Awakening - Game idea dialogue.

[Deleted member 54063]

Hey folks,

For a while now, I've been planning and writing a story for a game. It has gone through a lot of evolutions, but before I take it any further, I thought I would post a glimpse of the idea here, to get peoples feedback on the concept.

I'm a 3D, graphic and web designers by trade. Having that wide wide scope gives me the confidence to take on a project like this, but I've never written a story of any kind before, and I've never created a game. But I am resourceful, and would love to take this challenge on.

Below is a demo of the dialogue I have so far (Just the prologue, Day 1 and Day 2). It's a demo of version 3, of which there is 30kk plus words. I have however started planning a V4, in which the wife has been removed.

As the story progressed, I felt that the wife's direct inclusion overcomplicated everything.

Anyway, I would love to hear opinions and critiques. I'd be happy to PM/DM the full dialogue so far, I just don't want to make it all public.

You must be registered to see the links

Thanks,
Pixel.

 

[Whitenicky]

I wish you all the best for your project!

 

[Deleted member 54063]

Thanks @Whitenicky - would love to hear any opinions your have if you read the dialogue demo.

 

[Whitenicky]

So Dad and two beautiful daughters, i dont have problems with it or playing it but i guess there is alot of them games! That you play as dad with one daughter or more, maybe i am wrong.I dont know, atleast i would make Abby 20 and Evie 18.. My suggestion is to make Ren-Py game for this, i did read a little from the Dialogue V3

If i am good with making games i would make something in style of Vampiric Family x)

 

[Deleted member 54063]

Yeah, Renpy would be a no-brainer for me. I have been learning the engine.

As for the basis, playing as the dad, having 1 or more daughters. Yeah, has been been done, nothing new. Not going to break any new ground.

But as a first game, we've all seen games, fall short of promises, suffer with slow development, or lack quality. So I thought, play it safe for this first attempt, offer it 100% free, no patreon. It would serve not only as a demonstrations, but maybe could also serve as an introduction to a "connected universe" of stories.

Making it 100% free, is a risk of course, so it would have to be limited to a short, liniar, noval... maybe.

 

[Deleted member 54063]

There are no solid plans in place, only ideas. Which is why I'm here, and asking opinions.

I don't like the current climet of people throwing money at unknown developers, with no security of an end product. At least this way, I get to introduce a level of skill, with no risk, while asking nothing of supporters but their honest opinions.

 

[DarthSeduction]

Hey folks,

For a while now, I've been planning and writing a story for a game. It has gone through a lot of evolutions, but before I take it any further, I thought I would post a glimpse of the idea here, to get peoples feedback on the concept.

I'm a 3D, graphic and web designers by trade. Having that wide wide scope gives me the confidence to take on a project like this, but I've never written a story of any kind before, and I've never created a game. But I am resourceful, and would love to take this challenge on.

Below is a demo of the dialogue I have so far (Just the prologue, Day 1 and Day 2). It's a demo of version 3, of which there is 30kk plus words. I have however started planning a V4, in which the wife has been removed.

As the story progressed, I felt that the wife's direct inclusion overcomplicated everything.

Anyway, I would love to hear opinions and critiques. I'd be happy to PM/DM the full dialogue so far, I just don't want to make it all public.

You must be registered to see the links

Thanks,
Pixel.

Right off the bat I'd rework your entire prologue. Find a way to show us this and not tell us. Also, if this is an incest game, I'd suggest you write the characters as if they were 18 and 16, but when age come up, if you ever actually state it verbatim make them 18 and 20. You're asking for trouble otherwise.

For instance, My prologue shows Frank, the father of Alexander and Alexis, the twin protagonists of my game, enter into Alexander's room, start stroking off to him, straddle his face, penetrate his mouth, waking him up, then shoving his cock deep into his throat to stop him from screaming. Then shifts to Alexis who just got up to pee, but stumbles on this scene. Their father, a police officer, had left his pants on the floor, coming in after a late night on a case. On the belt of his pants was his service weapon. Alexis stunned at first goes into action and fires 3 rounds into their father's back. He dies, Alexander is saved, and because of this interaction the two of them have this new more intimate relationship than would be typical of twins.

In this, you meet the twins, learn a hell of a lot about their characters, learn why their father won't be around in the game, set up the existential crisis Alexis will have over whether her feelings for her brother make her the same as her father, set up the reason Alexander clings to his sister as if she was his goddess, meet their mother when she comes screaming into the room after the gunshots. And have a pretty good idea of who the people we are dealing with are. All with no boring exposition. I then do have a small amount of exposition that covers the aftermath of this incident, where the twins take turns telling us something major about the next 3 years. Alexis say's a line, Alexander says a line, etc etc. In this, we get a glimpse into the common twin dynamic of being in perfect sync. It allows me to do a little necessary exposition while hiding it behind some interesting character building.

After reading your prologue it looks like you're doing a lot of exposition with narration as well. Instead it would be a good idea to have most of what's said here said by a character, but not so in your face about it... in fact... I'm gonna link a youtube video here that will explain what I'm talking about much more concisely than I can.


This is from a channel I really like called Lessons from the Screenplay. Seeing as porn games are also a visual storytelling medium, movie rules are generally really close to what you need for your own writing, and this particular topic is a general rule of thumb for any type of storytelling.

To be really specific, the only place it is ever acceptable to use very strong Expository narration or dialogue to explain what's going on in your plot is in a heavy fantasy environment where you have to introduce us to a world outside the scope of reality. And even then you want to keep it to a minimum, like the Star Wars Scroll or the scene at the beginning of LOTR where Galadriel tells us the story of the rings.

 

[Deleted member 54063]

That's a lot to take in, but I appreicate the input.

The naration throughout the entire story, is - at least my intetion - from the fathers perspective. Him filling in the blanks of story.

Granted, readying back on that V3 demo myself, I even cringe at all of the mistakes and errors. It's why the story is an ongoing evolution, and not written into stone.

RE the anotomy of the story and the characters. It's why I eventually decided to cut the wife. She was there intially because, a father generally has a wife. But her roles in the story was always forced, and her peresence was always an obsticles to the overall story. I always felt that I needed to justify her existence, until I decided, she must be cut.

I originally wanted wanted the wife to the the person the secrets are kept from. But she quickly and easily became apart of the secrets. I honestly felt it was too easy to write her into the taboo, which in the end, made her worthless to the overall story.

Hence why there is a V4 of the story with her excluded.

Also, a change from V1 to V2 of the story; the older daughter was originally an older son. Which would late in the story, lead to the father having a sexual encounter with his son and daugter. While I found interesting, some people didn't, so he became a she.

 

[DarthSeduction]

That's a lot to take in, but I appreicate the input.

The naration throughout the entire story, is - at least my intetion - from the fathers perspective. Him filling in the blanks of story.

Granted, readying back on that V3 demo myself, I even cringe at all of the mistakes and errors. It's why the story is an ongoing evolution, and not written into stone.

RE the anotomy of the story and the characters. It's why I eventually decided to cut the wife. She was there intially because, a father generally has a wife. But her roles in the story was always forced, and her peresence was always an obsticles to the overall story. I always felt that I needed to justify her existence, until I decided, she must be cut.

I originally wanted wanted the wife to the the person the secrets are kept from. But she quickly and easily became apart of the secrets. I honestly felt it was too easy to write her into the taboo, which in the end, made her worthless to the overall story.

Hence why there is a V4 of the story with her excluded.

Also, a change from V1 to V2 of the story; the older daughter was originally an older son. Which would late in the story, lead to the father having a sexual encounter with his son and daugter. While I found interesting, some people didn't, so he became a she.

Ok, I'm gonna actually post my full prologue so that you can see what I'm talking about, maybe that will help.

Key really quick

a = Alexander

A = Alexis

D = Frank, or dad

M = Colbie, or mom

[mom_name] is a substitution so that if incest is enabled it will write mom, if not Colbie.

## lines are just notation for me and the artist... some of that isn't accurate anymore, but it's pretty close.

## scene will start here in a doorway with the door cracked open to reveal a sleeping teenage boy (Alexander) in boxer briefs
label family:
    "(Door creaks ever so slightly)"

## scene change here, now in room above boy in bed
## As I said in his description, he's a cop. His gun is a necessary plot item, so it should be holstered to his belt.

    D "Oh, my sweet boy."
    "Whispers the man, as he looks down on his sleeping son."
   
## show dad, His pants should be in a pile on the floor, the gun clearly visible,

    D "You look so sexy sleeping there"
    "Still whispering, he admires his son, sleeping out of the covers on this hot summer night."
    "The man's lecherous eyes trace the teen's figure, starting at his feet, rounding up his thighs to his manhood, hidden behind his underwear."
    "He continues tracing, up the boys exposed navel, his youthful stomach showing hints of the abdominal muscles he could develop."
    "Along up to his chest, wide for his youth, strong, like his father."
    "Still, tracing, his eyes run up the boys neck, the line of his jaw, and to his lips, luscious for a boys lips, meant for kissing, or, for something more vile?"
    "The man brings his strong, calloused hand to the boy's soft chin. He carefully twists the boys head, so that it rests facing the ceiling."
    "The man traces those luscious lips with is fingers, then, reaches for his belt buckle."
    "He reveals his manhood, flaccid but growing with anticipation, he begins to stroke, gently."
   
## show dad's flaccid penis hovering over boy
## show dad's penis become engorged
## show dad begining to stroke his penis

    D "Daddy had a long day at work."
    "He whispers as if it justifies this unholy act."
    "Carefully, quietly, the man kneels on the bed with the boy, straddling his face."
    "His stroking slows, penis twitching already, as if he is holding back a powerful orgasm."
       
## show dad straddling boy's face, back must be to the door. So depending on how you have Alex situated on his bed will determine how you position dad

    D "Don't wake up, I'm going to use your mouth."
    "Indeed, it appeared he was, saving it for this dispicable intrusion."
    "The man again grips the boys chin, but this time, pulls his lower jaw down, opening the boys mouth."
    "Hesitantly, not wanting to wake him, he lowers himself into the opening."
    "A shiver of ecstacy runs through the man as his glands reach his sons lips."
    "Slowly, carefully, he pushes forward into the moist cavern of his adolescent boy's open maw."
    "As his shaft brushes along the tounge his glands reach the roof of Alexander's mouth."
    "Slowly, gently, he strokes, not quite pumping, but still moving, working his penis with the boy as his own sex doll."
    
    
## show dad reach out and open boy's mouth
## show dad penetrate mouth, just the tip

    D "Ohhhh yeeeessss."
    "He fails to supress his moans of relief, as his throbbing member sends shivers up his spine."
    D "If you only knew, son, how much daddy loves you."
    "Indeed, it would appear that the man was on the verge of cumming with even this lightest of contact."
    "Only through sheer force of will is he keeping it at bay."
   
## show dad begin to thrust deeper, shaft 1/3 of the way in
## show boy's eyes flutter open

    "Alexander is awakened. the putrid smell of unwashed manhood assaults his nostrils."
    "A strange sensation, a warm, fleshy rod between his lips."
    "He opens his eyes, there, staddling his face is the figure of his father."
    "He screams, his cries muffled by the cock assaulting his mouth."
   
## show dad thrust cock deep, into boy's thoat, gagging him

   
    D "Oh Alex, I can't have you waking everyone else up"
    "His father says, thrusting his full manhood into the boy."
    "Alexander's untrained throat rejects the intrusion, gagging, his scream is cut off almost as quickly as it begins."
   
## show dad pumping boys thoat

    D "Yeah, Alex, baby, let daddy use your throat, everything will be fine in the morning"
    "The gagging, gurgling boy beneath him is now giving him such exquisite pleasure."
    "Even as his throat attempts to reject his entry, it clamps down on the tool that ravages it."
## show dad's face, an animalistic pleasure, sick, sadistic.

## scene Alexis' bedroom
## show Alexis in cute bra and panties combo sleeping
## show her face as she begins to wake

    "Elsewhere in the house, roused, by coincidence of her bodies needs, Alexis opens her eyes."
    A "I can't sleep."
      
## show Alexis sitting up in her bed or with her legs hanging over the side, ready to get up

    A "Gotta pee"
    "The hot pinching feeling of a full bladder, of course, it cannot always be ignored."
    "Wobbling slightly, the drowsy girl rises to her feet and heads to her bedroom door."
   
## show alexis from behind get to feet and head to door

## scene hallway with Alexanders door ajar

    A "Did Alex leave his door open?"
    "Thinking she should probably close it for him, Alexis approaches his room before heading to the bathroom."
   
## show Alexis approach

    "A muffled scream, followed by gagging and gurgling emanates from the open door."
    D "(whispered) Oh Alex, I can't have you waking everyone else up."
   
## show Alexis peek into Alexanders room this can be either third or first person. Your choice.

    A "\(What is daddy doing in Alexander's room?\)"
    "Alexis almost doesn't believe her ears, she gets closer, peering through the cracked door."

    "Alexis lets out a gasp, slight, too slight to carry into the room."
    "The sight she's greeted with, her father's bare ass hovering above Alexanders chest, the gagging and spasming boy beneath him squirming to get free."
    "On the floor were her father's pants, he'd come in straight from work."
   
   
## show Alexis from behind, in alexander's room her father straddling her brother's agonized and fighting form

    A "\(I have to do something.\)"
    "On his belt she sees the solution, the holster carrying his service pistol."
    "Alex moves, unbidden. With each step her mind screams why."
    "She continues, her mind feeling like a trapped observer watching someone else in the first person."
    D "Oh yeah baby, here it cums!!!"
    "She reaches for it."
   
## show close up of fathers crumpled pants and gun
## show Alexis trembling pick up gun
## I think I'll fade to black for the gunshots and have a white flash or something for each... haven't decided yet.
   
    "BANG! {p} BANG! {p} BANG!"
    "..."
    "...."
    "Time seemingly stands still. Alexis feels the weight of the pistol in her hands."
    "The image before her, her father bleeding from three holes in his back,"
    "Her brother, struggling still under the weight of their father."
    "The pistol, the one her father, the man she just killed with it, had taught her to use years ago, smoking still pointed at her father."
    a "*coughing and sputtering*"
    "Alexander feels the weight of his father collapse onto his chest, and then slide, sideways onto the floor beside his bed."
    "he coughs up the semen and saliva he was choking on."
    "Through a haze of tears and fearful darkness he sees her standing there."
    "Alexis, his twin sister, his guardian angel."
    "He runs to her, collapsing to his knees and wrapping his arms around her waist he lets loose, terrible sobs tear from his violated throat."
    "Struck suddenly from her stupor by this, Alexis too collapses, the gun falling to the floor."
    "She wraps her arms around her sobbing brother, cradling his head in her shoulder."
    "She too begins to sob."
   
## show dad, with three holes in back, bleeding, still, for the moment straddling Alexander
## show dad fall to the ground
## show Alexis gun (smoking from the barrel) still pointed at where her father had been
## show Alexander sliva drenching his chin gasping and gagging for air
## show Alexander run to his sister
## show Alexander wrap his arms around Alexis's waist, falling to his knees sobbing
## show Alexis' face as she comes back to reality
## show Alexis look down at her brother
## show Alexis fall to her knees too, wrapping her arms around him, and sobbing.

    $ TwinAffectionAlexander += 20
    $ AlexanderRomance += 5

## Sceme Master Bedroom
## show Mom(Colbie) sitting in bed terrified
    "From down the hall Colbie is forced awake by three thunderous bangs."
    "She launches herself up."
## show Mom lauch from the bed towards the door
    M "MY CHILDREN!"
## scene hallway, 2 doors open
## scene Alexis' room empty
## scene hallway, from Alexis' room perspective
## scene Alexander's room
## show third person mom looking in on the scene we left off with, the twins in eachothers arms, dad dead on the floor in a pool of blood
    "She shouts as she rushes from her room, Alexis' room lies open and empty, she advances on Alexanders room"
    "A scream of pure horror tear's through her throat as she enters."
## show a closeup of dead dad
    "The sight that greeted her was more horrifying than any she could imagine. There on the floor was her husband, his pants removed, bleeding out."
## show a closeup of the twins, from behind Alexis, Alexander looking up at mom, cum drooling from his mouth mixing with his tears
    "Closer, on their knees sobbing madly were her two children, her reasons for existing."
    "Her beautiful boy facing her direction had, drooling from his mouth some pearlescant substance."
    "Of two minds she tried furiously to deny the scene in front of her."
    "Impossible, my husband isn't dead, he didn't assault my boy, my daughter didn't kill him."
    "Its a nightmare, it isn't happening."
## show pretty much exactly the next dialogue line, I'll probably remove it entirely if the image works.
    "Breaking down herself she falls to her knees, her arms falling limply at her sides palms face forward."
    "From her there's no sobbing, instead she faces the scene blankly as tears flow freely down her face."
   
## scene titlecard we'll work on this at some point

    A "It goes without saying, that night... when I... well, it changed everything."
    a "Alexis had been my savior, she'd killed our... Frank, after so many years of his abuse, she'd been the one to free me."
    A "All three of us were broken."
    a "[mom_name] had it bad. She learned her husband was a pervert who'd been abusing her son while watching him bleed out on the carpet at the surprisingly sure hands of her daughter."
    A "Alexander had been a mess, I'd known something was wrong for a while, he and I used to share everything but I could tell he was hiding something, if only I'd pried earlier."
    a "Alexis was so strong... I... I couldn't leave her side... But I could tell she was feeling different now too, how could she not be?"
    A "Alexander never slept in that room again. For the first few nights he was supposed to sleep on the couch, but he kept coming into my room to sleep on the floor, eventually I just shared my bed, after all, he's my twin."
    a "The first year was the hardest. We didn't go back to school, setting us a whole year back, but really neither of us were willing to be apart."
    A "I insisted that Alexander be there when I met with the court appointed trauma counselor, and I held his hand as he met with them as well."
    a "[mom_name] was almost never home."
    A "Dad had been the only one working."
    a "He'd been making enough when [mom_name] got pregnant that she was able to simply quit."
    A "Going back into the workforce 15 year later couldn't have been easy."
    a "She had lots of part time and temporary jobs."
    A "As the years went by and what little savings we had dried up, [mom_name] lost a lot of weight, the dark circles beneath her eyes became more and more common."
    a "Eventually we found out we would be losing the house."
    A "Its been 3 years. We're 18 now."
    a "Our [mom_name] reached out to our Aunt, her twin sister, recently."
    A "She had married a successful older businesssman, he left her a lot of money when he passed."
    a "I could tell it hurt [mom_name] to ask... Pride... But her love for us, and need to provide for us won out."
    A "So now here we are. The last day of the school year was yesterday, and we leave tomorrow."
    a "Our aunt, Caitlyn, invited the three of us to come live with her."
    C "There's plenty of room."
    A "she'd said."
    a "We hadn't really spent any time with our extended family, dad, being a cop rarely got time off."
   
## This sequence will be a multitude of quick scene transitions, no fade or dissolve, its meant to be jarring.
## For example there will be a simple one of Mom at table looking at bills, The light is dim and everything but mom and the table is black"
## Scenes showing both Alexis and Alexander at the shrink, with the other holding their hand
## A sequence that shows Alexander enter his sister's room and sleeping on the floor, followed by Alexis finding him there in the morning
## That sequence ends with them spooning in her little Twin size bed, Alexander the little spoon.
jump moving

 

[DarthSeduction]

Also, I'd suggest you don't cave to pressure on the gay relationship. I personally would love to see more homosex in games. Simply make it all optional. For instance, you don't have to sleep with Elena in DmD but it's an option. Guys who only want a girl to fuck have the other daughter.

 

[Palanto]

You only read the prologue @darthseduction right? Because the real game only starts 2 years later

Edit: Hmm, well the story has some potential, it's quite good to read this far. Of course there are the obligatory typos! One thing would be that you buy a bottle of "wife" for your Amy and poor her a glass of wife. The other would be that day 1 ends, or better said the forward between day one and two, with the best friends name being "Lana" while from day 2 forward it's "Lena" or in one case even "Lane"
Nothing to worry about though. It's just some minor stuff.

I can't tell you what to do with the wife, but I think she fits in there for all I've read up to now (everything inside the google document). So if you think she's overcomplicating things... But in that case you could have just jumped the daughter while she was 16 instead of waiting till she's 18, who would tell on you? Where's the risk of being caught when the other daughter is in college?

Well you didn't ask for anything specific, so I'm just blabbering on....
It's of course "another" incest story, it seems quite popular atm, but you'll also have to deliver in that case. Because most people will compare it to games like Big Brother or DmD, that's unavoidable.

I'd like to read the rest of what you have if possible, I'm not a great writer myself so I'm actually just looking at it as a player. And I can't yet see what you're up to with that story. It could go from there to well, anything... It could get to a harem like teenage girls fuckfest or to a romantic drama ending up in the daughter killing her best friend because she fucked you or whatever the heck Like I said it has potential so far And to see where you want to take it makes it probably easier figuring out what you could change or shouldn't change (reffering to the mom getting deleted )

 

[DarthSeduction]

You only read the prologue @darthseduction right? Because the real game only starts 2 years later

p.S.: Still reading so can't actually say much yet

I kinda stopped when it kept being a story we were told not one we were shown... The forward he has is very similar to my own, however I can't help but feel the prologue should focus on this relationship leading up to that fateful conversation... I mean, because I was expecting an incest game, the conversation was fine, but because I know nothing about the characters other than expository narration, I don't feel much from it.

I think I'd keep that dinner scene, just dad and the girls. But I'd trash the entire opening narration which I'd replace with a third perspective showing Evie spying on the MC as he pleasures her mother, touching herself, setting the stage for the conversation... If you still wanted it to be the father that was narrating, you could start with him saying something like, "let me tell you a story..." then he relating the story he's heard from Evie at this point about a girl who'd watched her dad fuck her mother and wish it was her. Then I'd segue that into a story of the father waiting at Evie's soccer practice, and kinda losing himself, as she jogged across the field, her perky 16 year old breasts bouncing, essentially feeling a lust for his daughter that he didn't know was there.

Then take the girls to dinner. Have him, in those narrative thoughts about his anger, question whether that anger was that of a caring father, or of the man who he'd been at the soccer field, lusting after her himself. A little small existential crisis of his own. Have the dialogue and story progress as it does, only maybe have Amy talk about the art class she was in before you guys picked her up... Make her animated and excited about what they were working on... Smart bet, have her working on nude models, that way it can cause dad's mind to wander to seeing Amy drawing a nude Evie. This way you continue this idea that all of the sudden dad is totally lusting after Evie, and then when Evie later springs her feeling on him we can actually feel the tension and battle within him. Also, we get to know Amy, what she's interested in, how she behaves and kinda just a smidge of who she is, without you having to tell us.

Now, when Dad and Evie have this final conversation about things, about how the reason she isn't into having sex isn't the sex itself, it was the boy... how there is a person she'd like to be with, how she touches herself thinking about it, make her be a little graphic and make dad squirm. His little girl is desperately, painfully offering her virginity on a platter. Its a dish that he desperately wants. Yet all he can do right now, as the good father, as the good man, is turn her down until she reaches 18 and is old enough to make this decision on her own. Make him grab her as she gets all teary and desperate and pull her tight, then have him promise her, that if she still wants him in two years, he'll be there for her.

Now, unless you want a cheating aspect to it, I'd also have mom and dad's relationship fall in the gutter over the two years, have her decide to divorce him, and have Evie, obviously, choose him over her. Not that I don't like your little blowjob exhibition story... I just know that a cheating relationship will get tricky and you've already expressed a desire to get rid of her... two years of Dad lusting after someone else is bound to kill a relationship. Again, this suggestion is totally optional, as I'd read either version, just saying it's a great opportunity to get rid of mom, especially since you already have an Evie voyeur scene in the prologue now.

Now, all of this is just an interpretation, an example of how to show what you want the audience to see, rather than telling them. If you want to show us in a different way, go for it. But show us, don't tell us. Because if we are told we will feel nothing, if we are shown we will empathise with the story and beg for more.

 

[DarthSeduction]

or to a romantic drama ending up in the daughter killing her best friend because she fucked you

mmmm yandere, and incest... I'll take two please.

 

[Palanto]

Man you're overkill with your big ass wall of text Well it's a nice wall of text since it's pretty fleshed out and probably a big help to the OP Keep it up darth

 

[Deleted member 54063]

Thanks for the feedback @Palanto Games. Yeah, there are plenty of typos in that version. Mainly because I just spilled out thoughts and dialogue. Also, with this pass, I gave little thought to the structure of the dialogue, as I had all these ideas about the story, and I just wanted to get it on paper first. Before I got a chance to reivew, chop or change it, I moved on to V4.

I originally wanted the wife in the story, because I thought taboo could be kept from her, adding an element of risk and interest to the developing relationships. However I quickly found, that because of the "open" foundation of the family, she fit perfectly into the taboo, and it very quickly devolved into a mindless fuck fest with no end goal to reach, other than it, it's self.

 

[Palanto]

You're welcome! Yes that with the wife makes perfectly sense Well I didn't think of it as "such" an open relationship More like a little exhibitionism fetish of them

 

[anne O'nymous]

After reading your prologue it looks like you're doing a lot of exposition with narration as well. Instead it would be a good idea to have most of what's said here said by a character, but not so in your face about it... in fact... I'm gonna link a youtube video here that will explain what I'm talking about much more concisely than I can.

There's a trend which annoy me in VN style game, they start to be too verbose. I know that it's not easy to do, but too many authors seem to forget that pictures also convey information. Most of the time in adult games, the only thing they show is the character's generic mood and what generic act, whatever sexual or not, they are doing, while everything else is wrote.
There's also too many games where what you see even contradict what you read. It's a made up example, but something like a girl standing naturally, exposing her full body, while the MC thoughts are like, "oh, she don't seem at ease, she's trying to hide her body". We are all supposed to be adult here, so we can understand what we see, no need to explain it to us like if we were children ; especially if what you explain isn't what we see.
Of course, it will mean way more works to do, and way more time needed. But in the end it's what will make your game be liked by the public, instead of being the umpteenth average porn game this month.