VN - Ren'Py - Dysfunct [Demo] [Cummz]

Nice Cg's, the story is somehow tend to remind us of other games but there is the army, bodyguard element that is interesting. Rachel is a very interesting character, and the Krystal scene is a revenge made from heaven kind of a scene. Let's see where this goes but it certainly got my attention

Its an interesting start however it feels like two separate stories with the same MC to me. Bodyguard story v Moving in with his family story. So what is the MC's age? Text says he's young but in the pictures he isn't and he's an expert fighter with combat and intelligence experience? They don't seem to work together.

There's pace in a story which is good but everything felt really rushed. I think the story as you have it needs more explanation. You flew through the first plotline. The MC meets the client, finds that cameras, then immediately knows what's going on then stops the attack on the singer all with a few lines of dialogue. Then we barrel into human trafficking through your sister, which is connected somehow. You barely know what's going on then its over. These two plotlines have been the whole novel in some bodyguard stories. If your rushing through will you be showing more in flashbacks/dream sequences?

Then is he meant to be a hero or bad guy? Will there be choice. Isn't a bodyguard a protector personality type? Why is he thinking about taking over a drug trafficking ring. The story kind feels all over the place with no consistency of character in the MC. Are we supposed to decide? Is your narrative is suggesting a choice point at the end of the club scene? Do we want the MC to be good or bad? But then there isn't one. Then there's the suggestion of memory loss. There's so much going on!

The biggest issue for me is why someone who is a bodyguard and has been working for10 / 11 years would move back in with his family. He's like late 20's, early 30's? Even if that's the hook part of you story I still I can't understand why he would without a plot device such as he lost his flat, renovations, new job, new city? It would surely have to be short term. It just feels like an excuse to introduce an incest story line. Personally, I preferred the bodyguard narrative. Even though it has been done before, it was much more compelling. It would make more sense if he was sent to protect this family as a bodyguard not knowing they were his family due to his memory loss and they then discover they are related.

The visuals are okay. As far as LI's so far. The coffee shop girl is cute and the singer is beautiful but the family and his work colleague are all pretty average. Then there's Krystal who is just odd. Well ok she's a bad guy so I guess it doesn't matter. Yes it does, we are straight into a forced sex scene! Why don't you have the option here not to interact with Krystal. She's just tried to traffic your sister, who's unconscious on the floor. Why don't we care and aren't we checking on your sister? Why would you do that with Krystal??? Then the MC's text. Ok, are you the bad guy then????? Confusing! If the focus is more on the family will the incest be optional as the singer is far more beautiful and compelling as an LI than any of his family and it would frustrate me if you couldn't see her anymore and your just stuck with your family as your choices.

So as is normal for a demo there are loads of questions but I really hope you provide some great answers in the future updates. I know I have only given this 2 stars but there are bits and pieces in here that are good. It could be a really good VN but I think it needs a bit of work, particularly with the plot and the choices you can make. Even if all was done was to slow down a bit and explain what is going on better in a few scenes, it would be 3 stars.