The game design and characters are on-point and I'm a big fan of the world being built here, the concepts are good. But it's a text based game and the writing just isn't there yet.
- Paragraphs longer than five lines are harder to read. More line breaks of simpler ideas would flow a lot better. 10 line paragraphs are gnarly.
- The text constantly double-talks and doubles back over itself. "Her hand - or rather, her lips." It's emulating coy speech patterns , I get that, but it's called 'correcting yourself' because you got it wrong the first time, and I'd rather a lot more descriptive lines correctly described things the first time. Too much garnish, not enough steak.
- Extremely guilty of trying to write 'how writers sound', when the truth is writers who can sound like this can talk like this naturally. If you can't nail talking like this in a casual manner, then it's like hearing an American attempt an Australian accent. Author, if you're reading this; your words and your ideas are good. If you put less effort into writing this at a line-by-line level, it'd take a lot less effort to read it and be way hotter and more enjoyable.
I'm putting this as a 3, but I'm also going to be following this series. This feels like an inexperience problem, which means I'm excited to be giving a future installment a 5 one day.
