I would like to tell a story, will you listen? Please, come by.

S Pied_Piper

New Member
Dec 18, 2023
7
2
Hi guys. Im writing a story for a aVN and would like to share some details. I want to get feedback, your thoughts and suggestions on the story. But most importantly, I'm looking to get motivated. Maybe some of you will be really interested in a story like this and it will light a fire in me.

Firstly, tags. Keep in mind, here I will indicate the tags that will be in the final version of the game, of course, all of them will not appear at the same time.
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Plot in brief: The main character is a male protagonist, returned from the army where he served in military intelligence, lives in a big city, but alone. He has a family, but he doesn't communicate with them (the reasons will be revealed). Unemployment is rampant in the city, but the protagonist managed to snatch a job as a security guard in a jewelry center. He leads a degraded lifestyle, bored, lonely, drinking in the evenings and generally dissatisfied with his life. One day the jewelry store is robbed, but he recognizes in the robber his old fellow soldier from the army. After losing his job and getting in touch with him, in need of money, he decides to raise "easy money" and gets involved in a criminal gang. It involves other men, but also women (love interests). He gets drawn into the underworld, learns about his new "associates" and pretty quickly the desire to raise money grows into something more. He gets rid of the boredom, he has a goal and decides to earn a name for himself in the criminal world.

What follows:
The story revolves around the relationship between the protagonist and the people around him, given that the world of crime is not without strong feelings and emotions. The story is about rising to power in the underworld, thanks to the experience of a military hero and all the skills that come with it, the protagonist will be able to adapt and find his calling in a brutal, competitive world. Protagonist will climb the career ladder and earn the respect and friendship of other crime figures. This is not the classic Cosa Nostra, although much of it remains, but it had to transform into something new for the modern world.

About Me: I've been playing adult visual novels since 2019, found this forum in 2021, I've had the desire to create my own visual novel in my head since early 2023. Started learning DAZ3D and renpy this spring, still learning, but I think the skills I have at the moment are enough to create a first chapter. I enjoy making and telling stories, putting emotions and my experiences into words. I can't promise that it will be perfect from the beginning, but I will do my best to make it interesting. English isn't my first language, so I'll definitely be looking for a proofreader to review my text.

A little more about the story:
The visual novel will have choices. The choices will determine the fates and future of the characters, as well as the main character's personality. The protagonist is not a blank slate, he has his own backstory, persona, and preferences, but as the story progresses he will change and you will be able to steer him in different directions.

I think I've laid out everything I can lay out right now. If you have any questions about the story, please ask. If you have suggestions, I'd be very happy to hear them.

Attached is a portrait of one of the love interests. Her name is Elizabeth, but friends call her Lizzy.
elizabeth.jpg
 
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Jun 16, 2023
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I might be biased since I love crime genre AVNs.....with that established......I am certainly intrigued by your concept. Trying to climb up in the mafia ranks sounds badass and meeting LIs is cherry on top. Mc having the background certainly would come in handy in fight scenes and also during hostile situations. I just hope characters are written with depth and distinct personilities. I hope lewds are naturally paced rather than everyone just simping after MC from the get go.

You seem passionate about the project so I'm excited to see what you cook downthe line. Just remember that writing kinda makes/breaks games (I'm also not native either) so when/if you do release first version, make sure it's all banged up and ready rather than being riddled with errors.



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S Pied_Piper

New Member
Dec 18, 2023
7
2
I might be biased since I love crime genre AVNs.....with that established......I am certainly intrigued by your concept. Trying to climb up in the mafia ranks sounds badass and meeting LIs is cherry on top. Mc having the background certainly would come in handy in fight scenes and also during hostile situations. I just hope characters are written with depth and distinct personilities. I hope lewds are naturally paced rather than everyone just simping after MC from the get go.

You seem passionate about the project so I'm excited to see what you cook downthe line. Just remember that writing kinda makes/breaks games (I'm also not native either) so when/if you do release first version, make sure it's all banged up and ready rather than being riddled with errors.



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Regarding action scenes: There will be action scenes, I can tell you that. How badass they are will be for you to judge in the future.

Regarding gameplay: I don't have a lot of programming experience, so I don't think I can do sandbox, free-roam or additional gameplay without compromising the overall quality (and really, I'm not a big fan of sandboxes myself). It will be a visual novel with choices, I may be able to implement additional gameplay features like a phone for more immersion in the world, but I'm not sure about that yet. It's a visual novel, not a game (in the usual sense of the word).

I just hope characters are written with depth and distinct personilities.
I know how important well-drawn character personalities are to a good story, so that's one of the main focuses of my writing.

Thank you for your response. If there is anything else you want to know, please ask.
 
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♍VoidTraveler

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Apr 14, 2021
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Because it's nothing new, the story sounds like an absolutely average mafia slog.
Nor is it particularly interesting to me personally because i have very little interest in stories based on RL world since to see what RL looks like i need to simply put my foot outside the door. :whistle::coffee:
 
Jun 21, 2020
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About the plot...
Plot in brief: The main character is a male protagonist, returned from the army where he served in military intelligence, lives in a big city, but alone. He has a family, but he doesn't communicate with them (the reasons will be revealed). Unemployment is rampant in the city, but the protagonist managed to snatch a job as a security guard in a jewelry center. He leads a degraded lifestyle, bored, lonely, drinking in the evenings and generally dissatisfied with his life. One day the jewelry store is robbed, but he recognizes in the robber his old fellow soldier from the army. After losing his job and getting in touch with him, in need of money, he decides to raise "easy money" and gets involved in a criminal gang. It involves other men, but also women (love interests). He gets drawn into the underworld, learns about his new "associates" and pretty quickly the desire to raise money grows into something more. He gets rid of the boredom, he has a goal and decides to earn a name for himself in the criminal world.

What follows:
The story revolves around the relationship between the protagonist and the people around him, given that the world of crime is not without strong feelings and emotions. The story is about rising to power in the underworld, thanks to the experience of a military hero and all the skills that come with it, the protagonist will be able to adapt and find his calling in a brutal, competitive world. Protagonist will climb the career ladder and earn the respect and friendship of other crime figures. This is not the classic Cosa Nostra, although much of it remains, but it had to transform into something new for the modern world.
So I am not a big fan of VNs. I played many anyways because I don't dislike them, just not a big fan...
And plot-wise sounds great for a crime drama. But I wouldn't play a porn game like that. I just like simpler plots and usually with topics like love and romance when speaking of VNs.

As for the visuals...
Attached is a portrait of one of the love interests. Her name is Elizabeth, but friends call her Lizzy.
View attachment 3185956
Dayum! If I ever play this game it would be only for this.

To summarize, sounds great... but not for me. Again, not a big fan of VNs, so don't let my opinion let you down haha. I don't consider myself a "voice to hear" in this matter...
Good luck with your game!
 
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S Pied_Piper

New Member
Dec 18, 2023
7
2
About the plot...

So I am not a big fan of VNs. I played many anyways because I don't dislike them, just not a big fan...
And plot-wise sounds great for a crime drama. But I wouldn't play a porn game like that. I just like simpler plots and usually with topics like love and romance when speaking of VNs.

As for the visuals...

Dayum! If I ever play this game it would be only for this.

To summarize, sounds great... but not for me. Again, not a big fan of VNs, so don't let my opinion let you down haha. I don't consider myself a "voice to hear" in this matter...
Good luck with your game!
Thanks for your response.