Re: Adult material
Dear valued users: your safety during your online experience is of paramount importance to us and we wanted to take a moment, with so much currently being said in so many quarters regarding our policies on inappropriate material to dispel some of the myths and rumours that have been advanced on the internet and also give you some idea of where we will be going next in our ongoing efforts to make the internet a safer, more sanitised and family-friendly place.
Firstly, we would like to deal with the assertion that we have misused our hegemonic market position to force the hands of other companies. This is a gross misrepresentation. We have never told anyone that they can't take payments for something, we have merely reminded them of the ruin they face if they do. This is completely different, and consent is very important to us. It's silly to suggest that we possess some form of coercive power over people just because we can completely shut down their revenue stream at the flip of a switch! Companies just have a tendency to do as we say, because of the self-evident righteousness of our cause.
The second myth we wish to dispel is that we are somehow anti-sex. This is a gross and slanderous libel. All of us here enjoy rich and varied sex lives, having missionary-position sex for the sole purpose of procreation within the sanctity of marriage. What? The variation, you ask? Sometimes we do it on different nights, though that is highly irregular. We did recently have to fire Chad after he shared that he had done it doggy-style with his wife just to see what it was like, the filthy, degenerate... um... Anyway, yes, we do restrict certain things, but it's all to protect you from yourselves.
We reject entirely the assertion that we are some kind of Victorian prudes who are squeamish about the idea that someone somewhere might be getting their rocks off to something. Why, half of our managers are bonking their secretaries. (The other half, are, of course, impotent, as is our entire board of directors, but that is entirely unrelated to our crusade to stop anyone else from having a good time.)
We did also promise a sneak preview of the next phase of protections we'll be rolling out, so please read on as you count your rosaries for those impure thoughts you had just now while we were talking about immoral acts.
From today, we arebrowbeating working with partners to ensure that a raft of new immorality is vanquished forever, (or at least banished to the dark net where everyone uses crypto anyway.)
Harem
It is 2025 for god's sake. What is anyone doing still indulging in fantasies about polygamy? This is grossly disrespectful to women, whom our market research indicates make up as much as 50% of our customers. From now on, we will be debanking any organisation which hosts content in which the protagonist is able to court more than one "Love Interest" at the same time.
Anal
While we recognise that some people like this sort of thing, we here think its gross and icky, and if we think it's gross and icky, then clearly that is irrefutable proof that it must be banned. Just because everyone here at Visa and Mastercard was conceived this way does not for one second make it right.
Headpats
Degrading, dehumanising and insulting to women. Mumsnet has been going after this one for years, and now we finally step in to do their bidding. And it's because we want to, not because we're trying to white knight in the hope that they'll touch our inert winkies. How dare you suggest such a thing?
Hand Holding
Headpat-adjacent. This sordid act is incorrectly labelled as "wholesome" when it is surely anything but. Handholding leads to kissing. Kissing leads to touching. Touching leads to suffering. Suffering leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. I think I got that right.
NTR
We actually quite like this one, but our spies on your forums are just fucking sick of you arguing about it.
We here at Visa/Mastercard are committed to upholding our virtues of chastity, celibacy and vanillaness. We take the view that since none of us are getting any, no one else should be allowed to either.
Dear valued users: your safety during your online experience is of paramount importance to us and we wanted to take a moment, with so much currently being said in so many quarters regarding our policies on inappropriate material to dispel some of the myths and rumours that have been advanced on the internet and also give you some idea of where we will be going next in our ongoing efforts to make the internet a safer, more sanitised and family-friendly place.
Firstly, we would like to deal with the assertion that we have misused our hegemonic market position to force the hands of other companies. This is a gross misrepresentation. We have never told anyone that they can't take payments for something, we have merely reminded them of the ruin they face if they do. This is completely different, and consent is very important to us. It's silly to suggest that we possess some form of coercive power over people just because we can completely shut down their revenue stream at the flip of a switch! Companies just have a tendency to do as we say, because of the self-evident righteousness of our cause.
The second myth we wish to dispel is that we are somehow anti-sex. This is a gross and slanderous libel. All of us here enjoy rich and varied sex lives, having missionary-position sex for the sole purpose of procreation within the sanctity of marriage. What? The variation, you ask? Sometimes we do it on different nights, though that is highly irregular. We did recently have to fire Chad after he shared that he had done it doggy-style with his wife just to see what it was like, the filthy, degenerate... um... Anyway, yes, we do restrict certain things, but it's all to protect you from yourselves.
We reject entirely the assertion that we are some kind of Victorian prudes who are squeamish about the idea that someone somewhere might be getting their rocks off to something. Why, half of our managers are bonking their secretaries. (The other half, are, of course, impotent, as is our entire board of directors, but that is entirely unrelated to our crusade to stop anyone else from having a good time.)
We did also promise a sneak preview of the next phase of protections we'll be rolling out, so please read on as you count your rosaries for those impure thoughts you had just now while we were talking about immoral acts.
From today, we are
Harem
It is 2025 for god's sake. What is anyone doing still indulging in fantasies about polygamy? This is grossly disrespectful to women, whom our market research indicates make up as much as 50% of our customers. From now on, we will be debanking any organisation which hosts content in which the protagonist is able to court more than one "Love Interest" at the same time.
Anal
While we recognise that some people like this sort of thing, we here think its gross and icky, and if we think it's gross and icky, then clearly that is irrefutable proof that it must be banned. Just because everyone here at Visa and Mastercard was conceived this way does not for one second make it right.
Headpats
Degrading, dehumanising and insulting to women. Mumsnet has been going after this one for years, and now we finally step in to do their bidding. And it's because we want to, not because we're trying to white knight in the hope that they'll touch our inert winkies. How dare you suggest such a thing?
Hand Holding
Headpat-adjacent. This sordid act is incorrectly labelled as "wholesome" when it is surely anything but. Handholding leads to kissing. Kissing leads to touching. Touching leads to suffering. Suffering leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. I think I got that right.
NTR
We actually quite like this one, but our spies on your forums are just fucking sick of you arguing about it.
We here at Visa/Mastercard are committed to upholding our virtues of chastity, celibacy and vanillaness. We take the view that since none of us are getting any, no one else should be allowed to either.
