Need help with my story!

[SatinAndIvory]

TLDR: I have two siblings, the MC who has his memory erased and his sister hasn't seen him in a long time so she doesn't know who he is. When they first meet, MC gives her his fake name because of reasons (below). Should sister reveal her true name, thus revealing who she is to the audience, or should I try to play the long con and attempt to hide her identity from the audience until later to attempt to get a much more emotional reaction of their reunion?

Hey, I'm currently writing a visual novel which plays similarly to a stop-motion movie or even a comic. It's set in an urban fantasy world where mages must preserve "The Veil" which is a way of staying hidden from the world at large who don't know magic exists. All mage children, when born, are put into a dossier and the moment they are of age, they are sent, willing or not, to a magic school system. Think Hogwarts but no one is able to leave until they prove that they won't violate the veil, which is like a 10 year ordeal.

Years before the start of the story, the main character's mother is tasked to kill a mage, but instead of doing so, she falls in love with him. She fabricates his death and for a few years they live in peace. She has two kids, the main character and his older sister. Seeing as the birth of their children draws the Order, the magic society in charge of preserving the veil, to them, Dad leaves to prevent them from realizing he is alive. Skip a few years and the older sister is starting to exhibit signs of magic and as such, the Order wants to send her to the magic school. This is a massive point of contention for Mom, being a legendary mage and monster hunter, has previously negotiated to raise her kids as she see's fit. They ignore this and she fights back. In the midst of the fighting, they successfully portal the sister to the school. Enraged, she demands a friend send her after her daughter, but her friend tries to reason with her that going after her would end up killing her and all her children. It's a one way trip and the school is in a pocket dimension where 1 person controls who comes in or out. The best choice would be to leave her, since it's where the order wants her anyways and she'll be safe there, while she plots to rescue her later. Meanwhile, she can keep the MC safe. Being that children are highly likely to violate the veil (they blabber on a lot and they have no control over their magic), MC's Mom does the unthinkable and wipes all his memories of his sister and that day. Thus for the next 7 years, he grows up with headaches (side effects from the memory loss) and no knowledge of his sister. During this time, his mom is attacked full force in broad daylight from the Order who have decided that she is such a big threat, they are willing to violate the veil to get rid of her. Seeing that her son is no longer safe as long as she is around, she fakes her death to the MC so that she can fight the Order in the shadows and away from him. Her two trusted friends raise the MC in her stead.

Three years later, once the MC is 18 (for adult reasons ofc), he tries to commit suicide by jumping off a skyscraper but is instead portaled to the magic school as a last resort. A last resort because he would have survived the fall because of magic (mages only die through contact with magical items or beings), but would've been immediately executed do to violating the veil.

There at the magic school, he meets a few love interests. He also meets his sister, neither of whom know they are siblings. MC uses fake names a lot because he's learned not to trust strangers and every person he's met so far, he has used a fake name to mask his real one. On one fateful night, on the first episode of the VN, MC and his sister, who are still strangers take a walk. Sister notices that he looks homesick and tells him that everyone there is homesick, having been sent there with no way to leave. She recalls her brother and her mother and that she can only recall their names and not their faces. He notices that it looks like she thinks he could be her brother and, since he thinks he has no siblings because his memories of her were erased, he tells her he has no siblings, to tear the bandage off the wound, so to speak. He gives her his fake name, deliberately telling her its a fake name because bad things seem to happen to those who know his real name. Here comes the dilemma and reason for the thread. At this point, it'd make sense for the sister to tell him her name, whether she chooses to give her real name or a fake name can change the impact of their reunion significantly. (She'd give a fake name to mock him for giving her a fake name.)

I have this idea for their reunion a few episodes later where his headaches keep giving him flashbacks to his memories of his sister but in them, she's always missing because she's been deleted. However, as he continues to learn magic at the school, whatever magic his mom put in place to erase his memories start to erode and like puzzle pieces, memories of his sister start to get put back together. One fateful day, those memories will all come back to him and he'll remember the night that his mom gave his sister an heirloom and later, his sister snuck into his bed to show him that heirloom. The exact moment those memories come back, he see's the girl in front of him fiddling with the same heirloom as if all hope is lost. Thus they are finally reunited at last.

But, like I said, the sister telling her real name can affect this scene significantly, but mainly on the impact to the audience. If she tells her real name on the first night they meet, the players will know that she's his sister and he won't know. That shapes their interactions significantly as players will be making decisions knowing she's the sister. I also am unsure how this will impact the reunion when they do realize who one another truly are, whether it will be less of an impact if the players already knew she was the sister versus if the players are also just finding out for the first time that she is the sister. The only thing in modern cinema that's similar to this is probably that of Vi and Jinx's reunion in Arcane and I feel as though knowing that they are both alive and well and so close to meeting one another doesn't detract from the experience.

What do you think? I think I can successfully hide her identity from at least half of the player base because there's at least one other girl who looks similar if I choose to go that route. Would it enhance the moment when they find out they're siblings if you, the players also didn't know, or would it just irritate you if you were there for the i-content and you didn't know which one was the sister?

 

[Count Morado]

TLDR: I have two siblings, the MC who has his memory erased and his sister hasn't seen him in a long time so she doesn't know who he is. When they first meet, MC gives her his fake name because of reasons (below). Should sister reveal her true name, thus revealing who she is to the audience, or should I try to play the long con and attempt to hide her identity from the audience until later to attempt to get a much more emotional reaction of their reunion?

Hey, I'm currently writing a visual novel which plays similarly to a stop-motion movie or even a comic. It's set in an urban fantasy world where mages must preserve "The Veil" which is a way of staying hidden from the world at large who don't know magic exists. All mage children, when born, are put into a dossier and the moment they are of age, they are sent, willing or not, to a magic school system. Think Hogwarts but no one is able to leave until they prove that they won't violate the veil, which is like a 10 year ordeal.

Years before the start of the story, the main character's mother is tasked to kill a mage, but instead of doing so, she falls in love with him. She fabricates his death and for a few years they live in peace. She has two kids, the main character and his older sister. Seeing as the birth of their children draws the Order, the magic society in charge of preserving the veil, to them, Dad leaves to prevent them from realizing he is alive. Skip a few years and the older sister is starting to exhibit signs of magic and as such, the Order wants to send her to the magic school. This is a massive point of contention for Mom, being a legendary mage and monster hunter, has previously negotiated to raise her kids as she see's fit. They ignore this and she fights back. In the midst of the fighting, they successfully portal the sister to the school. Enraged, she demands a friend send her after her daughter, but her friend tries to reason with her that going after her would end up killing her and all her children. It's a one way trip and the school is in a pocket dimension where 1 person controls who comes in or out. The best choice would be to leave her, since it's where the order wants her anyways and she'll be safe there, while she plots to rescue her later. Meanwhile, she can keep the MC safe. Being that children are highly likely to violate the veil (they blabber on a lot and they have no control over their magic), MC's Mom does the unthinkable and wipes all his memories of his sister and that day. Thus for the next 7 years, he grows up with headaches (side effects from the memory loss) and no knowledge of his sister. During this time, his mom is attacked full force in broad daylight from the Order who have decided that she is such a big threat, they are willing to violate the veil to get rid of her. Seeing that her son is no longer safe as long as she is around, she fakes her death to the MC so that she can fight the Order in the shadows and away from him. Her two trusted friends raise the MC in her stead.

Three years later, once the MC is 18 (for adult reasons ofc), he tries to commit suicide by jumping off a skyscraper but is instead portaled to the magic school as a last resort. A last resort because he would have survived the fall because of magic (mages only die through contact with magical items or beings), but would've been immediately executed do to violating the veil.

There at the magic school, he meets a few love interests. He also meets his sister, neither of whom know they are siblings. MC uses fake names a lot because he's learned not to trust strangers and every person he's met so far, he has used a fake name to mask his real one. On one fateful night, on the first episode of the VN, MC and his sister, who are still strangers take a walk. Sister notices that he looks homesick and tells him that everyone there is homesick, having been sent there with no way to leave. She recalls her brother and her mother and that she can only recall their names and not their faces. He notices that it looks like she thinks he could be her brother and, since he thinks he has no siblings because his memories of her were erased, he tells her he has no siblings, to tear the bandage off the wound, so to speak. He gives her his fake name, deliberately telling her its a fake name because bad things seem to happen to those who know his real name. Here comes the dilemma and reason for the thread. At this point, it'd make sense for the sister to tell him her name, whether she chooses to give her real name or a fake name can change the impact of their reunion significantly. (She'd give a fake name to mock him for giving her a fake name.)

I have this idea for their reunion a few episodes later where his headaches keep giving him flashbacks to his memories of his sister but in them, she's always missing because she's been deleted. However, as he continues to learn magic at the school, whatever magic his mom put in place to erase his memories start to erode and like puzzle pieces, memories of his sister start to get put back together. One fateful day, those memories will all come back to him and he'll remember the night that his mom gave his sister an heirloom and later, his sister snuck into his bed to show him that heirloom. The exact moment those memories come back, he see's the girl in front of him fiddling with the same heirloom as if all hope is lost. Thus they are finally reunited at last.

But, like I said, the sister telling her real name can affect this scene significantly, but mainly on the impact to the audience. If she tells her real name on the first night they meet, the players will know that she's his sister and he won't know. That shapes their interactions significantly as players will be making decisions knowing she's the sister. I also am unsure how this will impact the reunion when they do realize who one another truly are, whether it will be less of an impact if the players already knew she was the sister versus if the players are also just finding out for the first time that she is the sister. The only thing in modern cinema that's similar to this is probably that of Vi and Jinx's reunion in Arcane and I feel as though knowing that they are both alive and well and so close to meeting one another doesn't detract from the experience.

What do you think? I think I can successfully hide her identity from at least half of the player base because there's at least one other girl who looks similar if I choose to go that route. Would it enhance the moment when they find out they're siblings if you, the players also didn't know, or would it just irritate you if you were there for the i-content and you didn't know which one was the sister?

TL;DR - Yes, hide it from the readers/players as well as the MC.

That is, unless you are very good at writing storyline, plot, and scenes without creating obvious loopholes and fractures where your fanbase would harangue you, "oh, come on, even an idiot would know this is his sister - there's no way for him not to know except that you don't want him to know. That's bullshit. That's bad writing." etc etc etc. Now, if you can live with that more than the fanbase constantly asking you and attempting to make you slip up, telling them in a game thread or chat that "yes, this is his sister" - then you know your choice.

Also, I assume you are going to create this game under a different username - because this username is now associated with the summary of the game. Once something goes on the internet, it's there forever and you've basically laid it all out.

 

[SatinAndIvory]

Also, I assume you are going to create this game under a different username - because this username is now associated with the summary of the game. Once something goes on the internet, it's there forever and you've basically laid it all out.

I'll just have to beg the mods to nuke this thread once the game comes out

 

[Count Morado]

I'll just have to beg the mods to nuke this thread once the game comes out

Good luck. the best they may do is lock it. Also, there's the web crawlers of the internet search engines that cache content.

 

[Nicke]

I'll admit I didn't read all of it. If it was me, I'd want the audience to know the two were getting into an incestuous relationship without the two knowing. Incest is a big draw for adult games, but you don't get that draw if players don't know.

You'll still get the shock value later anyway, at the reveal when the MC finds out.

 

[GNVE]

I don't see how you'd get the players grounded in the story and the world without showing a lot of it off and thus revealing the sister to the audience. The story seems very complicated and you can't just infodump somewhere as that will disengage players. (it is fun to discover things while playing the game it is not fun having one character drone on for ages to get the player up to speed).

 

[eosar]

Both can work as each situation has its charm. If you can get some professional statistics going, you'll be able to see which option has the bigger draw, otherwise it's 50/50.

 

[anne O'nymous]

Should sister reveal her true name, thus revealing who she is to the audience, or should I try to play the long con and attempt to hide her identity from the audience until later to attempt to get a much more emotional reaction of their reunion?

It totally depend: What do you want to achieve as effect ?

Who know who's who is an important point that define how the story will goes and how it will be perceived by the players.


By revealing her real name, you'll open an "okay, soon or later they'll uncover the truth" story arc. It's the easiest approach in terms of writing.
Accordingly to what you said, the sister will often switch between acknowledging that he his not her brother, and sticking to what she want to believe, perhaps because it's what her heart tell her. This will excuse the possible inconstancy in the writing and, more globally, don't need much subtlety.

By revealing her real name only to the players, but not to the MC, it will open an "she perhaps know, but the MC don't" story arc. This is a way more subtle approach in terms of story building. Something that need a delicate and finely crafted writing, including the CG composition.

By hiding her real name to everyone, you'll be fine until the moment the plot twist will happen.
Then, you'll look like a cheap writer that needed an artificial trick to keep the players hooked. Not only the brother she was searching for was right in front of her since the starts, but she even said it early in the story. What was strongly denied happen to in fact be the truth.
And fear the players who will uncover it by themselves, and complain about the inconstancy between what the story claim (he's not the brother) and what the story tell (he's the brother).
Strictly speaking this also could works, but not with the writing skills you shown in your post.


Note that I'm not saying that the story is bad, or that you are a bad writer. It's just that you clearly don't have yet the maturity needed for a story as subtle as an efficient plot twist that wouldn't looks cheap and frustrate the players.
Most of what you wrote, in intent to help us come to a decision, is in fact meaningless in regard of the question. And if you can't handle this when it's irrelevant, you'll have a hard time to handle it when it's one of the most important point of the story.
You'll more surely drown yourself in irrelevance, in order to hide the obvious truth. All this for no other reasons that a late plot twist that could perfectly be avoided, and in fact would have led to a better story if it was avoided.

The way you talk about it, your "I think I can successfully hide her identity from at least half of the player base because there's at least one other girl who looks similar if I choose to go that route", make it looks like you want it to be an "oh !" moment for the players. This while it totally discard the other half, who will impatiently wait the moment when you'll finally decide to state the obvious.
This is clearly not the right way to approach your story.


Keep It Simply Stupid do not limits to the code, it also apply to the story.

Useless convolutions will always lead nowhere, complicating everything while more disadvantaging the story than improving it. And when it's not handled with care by someone good enough, it generally end with an anti-climatic apogee that deceive everyone.
WVM did it with MC's sister. Pointing with a blinking arrow in the direction of one girl, then abruptly getting the real sister out of a wtf hat. And no one cared... It was seen as the cheap move it was, when not purely uninteresting, not as a wonderful trick.


Edit: too obvious typo

 

[SatinAndIvory]

I don't see how you'd get the players grounded in the story and the world without showing a lot of it off and thus revealing the sister to the audience. The story seems very complicated and you can't just infodump somewhere as that will disengage players. (it is fun to discover things while playing the game it is not fun having one character drone on for ages to get the player up to speed).

I never said any of this will get info dumped on the player, the info dumping is only to get whoever is reading this up to speed on what might be relevant information for the question at hand. I promise that exposition is handled way better in the writing in my story than an unedited first draft of a forum post asking for help .

 

[SatinAndIvory]

It totally depend: What do you want to achieve as effect ?

Who know who's who is an important point that define how the story will goes and how it will be perceived by the players.


By revealing her real name, you'll open an "okay, soon or later they'll uncover the truth" story arc. It's the easiest approach in terms of writing.
Accordingly to what you said, the sister will often switch between acknowledging that he his not her brother, and sticking to what she want to believe, perhaps because it's what her heart tell her. This will excuse the possible inconstancy in the writing and, more globally, don't need much subtlety.

By revealing her real name only to the players, but not to the MC, it will open an "she perhaps know, but the MC don't" story arc. This is a way more subtle approach in terms of story building. Something that need a delicate and finely crafted writing, including the CG composition.

By hiding her real name to everyone, you'll be fine until the moment the plot twist will happen.
Then, you'll look like a cheap writer that needed an artificial trick to keep the players hooked. Not only the brother she was searching for was right in front of her since the starts, but she even said it early in the story. What was strongly denied happen to in fact be the truth.
And fear the players who will uncover it by themselves, and complain about the inconstancy between what the story claim (he's not the brother) and what the story tell (he's the brother).
Strictly speaking this also could works, but not with the writing skills you shown in your post.


Note that I'm not saying that the story is bad, or that you are a bad writer. It's just that you clearly don't have yet the maturity needed for a story as subtle as an efficient plot twist that wouldn't looks cheap and frustrate the players.
Most of what you wrote, in intent to help us come to a decision, is in fact meaningless in regard of the question. And if you can't handle this when it's irrelevant, you'll have a hard time to handle it when it's one of the most important point of the story.
You'll more surely drown yourself in irrelevance, in order to hide the obvious truth. All this for no other reasons that a late plot twist that could perfectly be avoided, and in fact would have led to a better story if it was avoided.

The way you talk about it, your "I think I can successfully hide her identity from at least half of the player base because there's at least one other girl who looks similar if I choose to go that route", make it looks like you want it to be an "oh !" moment for the players. This while it totally discard the other half, who will impatiently wait the moment when you'll finally decide to state the obvious.
This is clearly not the right way to approach your story.


Keep It Simply Stupid do not limits to the code, it also apply to the story.

Useless convolutions will always lead nowhere, complicating everything while more disadvantaging the story than improving it. And when it's not handled with care by someone good enough, it generally end with an anti-climatic apogee that deceive everyone.
WVM did it with MC's sister. Pointing with a blinking arrow in the direction of one girl, then abruptly getting the real sister out of a wtf hat. And no one cared... It was seen as the cheap move it was, when not purely uninteresting, not as a wonderful trick.


Edit: too obvious typo

I think this is true. Thinking back on it, maybe I am too married to this idea of the reveal that it conflicted me. Ultimately I know what the right choice is (reveal her true name) but maybe I was here seeking validation for the other choice.

 

[anne O'nymous]

[...] but maybe I was here seeking validation for the other choice.

And there's nothing wrong with this.

So far you are at the most difficult parts of the game development. You're facing your ideas, starting to make them real, but you are still deprived from the public feed back. Asking for an external opinion time to time when you're at this step of the development is also a way to keep your sanity.