City of Velvet - proto v0,1
This is what I found before running out of patience with crashes I can't re-create. I hope it helps.
Options page:
Problems
* "Dialogue Animation Speed" resets to default every game boot.
* [Customize\]"Cheat" resets to default (turns off) every game boot.
* Question: Is the "Double-click Threshold" choice necessary?
* Advice: if "Transitions" are *not* necessary for game-play, then clearly state this so players with slow computers can turn them off.
New Game page: (<--title should be corrected from "New game")
* Advice: Put *all* changeable text *and* clickable buttons/text in a colour(s) DIFFERENT from the colours used in the UI so players *easily* identify what they can choose.
Examples: "Edward, Ed, & Foster" are now the same colour as (1) the UI's unclickable "New game, Protagonist, Game Options, & Customize" or (2) the same colour as the UI's unclickable "Firstname, Nickname, & Surname;
: "Choice Hotkeys" is now a clickable colour but is not clickable;
: "Click or press Enter to confirm" is the same colour as the UI's unclickable "Firstname, Nickname, & Surname" and the information notes under other choices!
* Problem: Change "Firstname" to either "First Name" or "Given Name".
Welcome the the City of Velvet page:
*** NOTE: You will anger (outrage!) *many* players if you force Ren'py (1) to play slower than they want; (2) to play slower than they wish to read; or (3) unable to easily skip transitions/animations/useless information to get to the next scene or piece of "real story". (Also, forcing them to play through the game once before they can "Skip" anything will probably get you lynched—metaphorically, but possibly literallly, too.)
* "timespacing" needs to be changed. "time-spacing", "story pacing", or "scene spacing" are some ideas to consider.
First scene:
* Advice: Don't introduce the "Codex" until players can actually look at it. Until then it is a needless distraction.
Problem:
* "stranger" ... really??? He has been holding her torso on the motorcycle for two days and she still refers to him with air-quotes? OR we, at least, need an explanation why she deliberately refuses to use the name he told her to use.
* "Still a long way to go" needs punctuation (a period, an ellipsis, comma, whatever). Actually, almost *every* page needs punctuation of some kind
.
* "
Assistant Hi ... anything I can do for you sir?": the ellipsis is incorrect and needs to be a comma or period. You also need a comma after "you".
* Also, you will lose many players because of all the *needless* clicking in the game—like putting "You look a little lost" (again without punctuation) on the next page after "anything I can do for you, sir?"
. (You might be trying to "pace" the story as if it was a film but it is NOT a film. Your audience inherently knows this but YOU need to learn this! "The medium
is the message."
— Marshall McLuhan)
* The doctor's correct name and title is "Doctor Martinez" and she would *never* introduce herself in any other way unless she wanted to be addressed as such. "Bond. James Bond." is to be addressed as "Bond"; Dr. Martinez is NOT "Martinez".
* The MC can't be a "ward" (in the present tense) if he is an adult and legally competant! And, if he wasn't either of those, he wouldn't be allowed to stay alone with the patient while she's asleep (unless the hospital *wants* to be sued for criminal negligence & etc. ...).
Than vs. Then lesson:
"than" is a comparison. "then" is chronological order or is an intention (i.e.: "... then I will go now.").
Example:
"1 < 5 > 4". When written becomes,
"One is less than five and five is greater than four." When described becomes,
'Write "1" then a less-than sign, then a five, then a greater-than sign, and then, finally, 4.'
Take care of yourselves until next time.
