Too disjointed. There is a lot of potential here, but I'm rating this offering on what it is, not what it could become.
Spend a bit of time on developing the plot or just deliver a few explicatory paragraphs to set the present scene. DON'T force things along, leaving huge gaps that the reader is supposed to just accept. It breaks the immersion.
Spend a bit of time on developing the plot or just deliver a few explicatory paragraphs to set the present scene. DON'T force things along, leaving huge gaps that the reader is supposed to just accept. It breaks the immersion.