3.90 star(s) 108 Votes

Deleted member 1412183

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May 15, 2019
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ok, I believe you.

I used to tell my little brothers when we were kids and something really unlikely happened : "the chances of something unlikely happening at one point or another a very likely"

:)

oh, and here's the two banners so you get a quick view :
Ha, that's true what you told your brothers. And I'm sure there will be something similar in the future to mine.

I think this could have work with two MCs. Switching between the two or one update we follow one twin and the next the other. Shame I liked the idea. I might have to steal it :sneaky: (joking btw)
Haha, feel free to take it. I learned my lesson.

Since you were receptive to some of my past suggestions, I figured I would throw some out there with regards to the revamped Secret Summer.

There are a few things I would tweak story wise. I know you wanted to reuse what you could, but some of it doesn't seem to work now. For example, I didn't have the sense the relationship with the girls would be like you have been in close contact with them. You mention you are with Norah, but at the age and depending on when the split happen it would make sense if you drifted apart from the two younger girls. It might be worth adding some info about the girls in the conversation with Norah to make it feel like you talk to them all the time. Also it feels like the morning is the first day you are there and surprising them, but you also mention seeing them fight 5 times since you got there. It makes the pacing feel a bit rushed. The same goes for crushing on the older of the younger girls. It just feels like it went from 0 to 100 with no time for us to enjoy and get to know the characters. Even the conversation in the woods feels out of place since it doesn't feel like you are close coming into this.

If anything this almost feels like a second act which I didn't find in the first version. The first act would have been introducing us to them over the phone and video chat while dealing with the oldest male and the company. Then the second act would be going to see them once you are familiar. Then the third act of course is how it all plays out. With the twins it made sense why you were dumped in the deep end.

I will say honestly this new story doesn't hook me nearly as much as the freaky Friday/twinswap. It was fun and different. I get it people were somehow confused by it, but this feels very similar to what else is out there. It will be interesting to see how others feel who felt confused by the first version. Some seem to like this one better already so maybe it is just me. I do hope someone takes the freaky Friday idea and runs with it.
It's mentioned in the story a few times how the MC remained close with all the girls, and the story even starts out with a phone call with Norah, so I'm sorry you didn't feel the closeness. And when the MC is shown at the house, it's 2 weeks and he even goes into detail of all the problems he's seen while he's there. That's why he has seen them fight 5 times in those 2 weeks.

I accidentally hit enter as I was originally writing that post so I edited and finished my post after your quote.

I realize that was your intention, but for fun I tried something different since it didn't mention the two girls were related.

I did uncle for eldest male, cousin for youngest, sister for the 23 year old so MC is her brother, and aunt as Norah. Bimbo was bimbo. The MC is the son of the twin that went missing, ;), and was raised by the aunt and uncle before they split. The sister blamed the uncle as written so went with the aunt. The MC stayed with the uncle to run the business. Still works story wise, but it referred to everyone as cousin.
I get what you did, though the story is meant for brother, sister, mom, etc. Only have to define relationships because of silly Patreon.

SuperWriter
Hey can you change Nora's age little bit. She's 36 and oldest daughter is 23 so she got her at age 13 and that most likely means she got pregnant at age 12. What made me think was the “landlord” also a child or a pedophile. If he was a kid back then, then I find it hard to believe that now he run a successful company. When the youngest daughter is 19 that means they got 4 children before they turn 18. In that case I think he has to drop out school to work mcdonalds or something to support his family, there is no time to study and build a company. And if he was not a minor then, he should be in jail. :unsure:
So if you could make Norah 42 or something that would be much better, unless you have a story behind that she is 36.:)
Ah, I had tweaked her age and made her too young. My apologies! Norah did have them young though and dad was born rich, so no Mcdonalds Lol. Thanks for pointing that out

While I enjoy the premise of the game it would be way better game without the second dipstick...
Lol Glad you like the new version

2 of the download links are dead and Mega has over quota gain (FUCKTHISSHIT!!!)
I just checked the links and they seem to be ok. Can you try again?
 
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Rufus Maximus

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Oct 5, 2018
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You're supposed to put BROTHER when her picture shows in the beginning
The MC's picture doesn't show up at the beginning. It only asks to me to give him a name. If I named him brother, wouldn't everyone, including the mother and father, call him that?

It might be an issue with the android port, I'll try it on my pc when I get home from work.
 

gigan

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Nov 7, 2017
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The MC's picture doesn't show up at the beginning. It only asks to me to give him a name. If I named him brother, wouldn't everyone, including the mother and father, call him that?

It might be an issue with the android port, I'll try it on my pc when I get home from work.
not when you can give the mc his name.When you can wrote for the girls itself.It should be.First mc name.Second : dad. 3: sister. 4: brother. 5: stepmom. 6:mom. 7:mom. 8:aunt. 9: Family
 

SolarGuy

Member
Jul 24, 2018
241
125
Thanks a lot for the encouragement! Will not disappoint.



Thank you! Will update soon.

There was no need to ask what your relationship to Autumn is because it will be the same as the other girls. And i'm glad you enjoyed the Mortal Kombat line, haha.




Glad you enjoyed! Much more to come
I'll wait for it! And I will replay the game before leaving a review.
 

Look-see

Engaged Member
Aug 19, 2018
2,887
5,238
hmmm saw a list of your books. personally im interested if "The Ward" might get a vn? seemed interesting cuz every other vn where MC meets his daughter they're pretty happy/naive about it so seeing someone angry would be new. (for me at least). also "Why are you Running"

Aside from that i like the game so far (y)
 

RoadWulf

Engaged Member
Nov 18, 2018
3,966
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So I played through the reworked, non twin version by request.

Here's my take: It works well. The plot was a little easy to see, though there are few flaws in the delivery that I'll get to. The opening joke about the previous twin storyline is a nice little poke, but eventually it's not going to make sense to anyone.

Characters:
Mom: She's got a nice little southern twist to her, but don't make her seem like too much of an idiot. She's also a little too flirty with her own son, maybe?

Elder Sister: I love how serious of a character she is without coming across as the bitchy one. She definitely seems like the most normal person in the story. I look forward to a lot more scenes with her.

Middle Sister: Not really a lot of character interaction with her. Her sense of humor and overacting come through, but since most of her time is spent clutching the porcelain throne and making veiled sexual comments, her character seems a little 2D. I hope there is more to her than "Drunk Party Girl".

Younger sister: Closet Lesbian or Bisexual, who can tell right now. Though if I had to guess, when you ask her how kissing a girl is compared to kissing a boy and she gets flustered, it's because she's never kissed a boy before. So if that's true, I can see what the plot line will be like with her. "Teaching moments" and such. It should also be noted that you never actually introduce her as a sister until she's talking to him in the woods. As I sat there watching them fight in front of the mother I had questions if she was some childhood friend of his.

Step Mom: Gold Digging Cunt. No other factors shown. I can only hope you can find some way to blackmail her later to get her to shut the fuck up.

Dad: Power hungry jackass. No other factors shown.


So far it's not bad for a first release. The story could become compelling so long as it doesn't just become another "I have to fuck all of them." story without any outside plot.
 

anne O'nymous

I'm not grumpy, I'm just coded that way.
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Jun 10, 2017
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SuperWriter
Going for a "define your own relation with the characters", why not (even if, see below). But please, can MC's roommates/sisters stop using the same variable than him ?
When it's "roommate" it works, even if sentences like, "I don't know how I feel about my own roommate saying that [...]" make few sense. But at least they make more sense than, "I don't know how I feel about my own sister saying that [...]", when the said "sister" is the male MC !

There's many ways to bypass Patreon ban, but this one never failed to prove that it's the worst.
 

niennunb

Member
Jun 15, 2017
177
217
SuperWriter
Going for a "define your own relation with the characters", why not (even if, see below). But please, can MC's roommates/sisters stop using the same variable than him ?
When it's "roommate" it works, even if sentences like, "I don't know how I feel about my own roommate saying that [...]" make few sense. But at least they make more sense than, "I don't know how I feel about my own sister saying that [...]", when the said "sister" is the male MC !

There's many ways to bypass Patreon ban, but this one never failed to prove that it's the worst.
I think you made the same mistake as the guy on page 7 : when the game asks for the relationships, for one girl it says "who is she to the mc ?" or for the other "who is the mc to her ?". So for the 1st you need to answer sister, and for the 2nd, brother.
 

Deleted member 1412183

Well-Known Member
Game Developer
May 15, 2019
1,725
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SuperWriter
Going for a "define your own relation with the characters", why not (even if, see below). But please, can MC's roommates/sisters stop using the same variable than him ?
When it's "roommate" it works, even if sentences like, "I don't know how I feel about my own roommate saying that [...]" make few sense. But at least they make more sense than, "I don't know how I feel about my own sister saying that [...]", when the said "sister" is the male MC !

There's many ways to bypass Patreon ban, but this one never failed to prove that it's the worst.
I think you made the same mistake as the guy on page 7 : when the game asks for the relationships, for one girl it says "who is she to the mc ?" or for the other "who is the mc to her ?". So for the 1st you need to answer sister, and for the 2nd, brother.
Niennunb is right. Sorry about the confusion and thanks for explaining
 
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3.90 star(s) 108 Votes