So, who wants to read a my weird smut thing and maybe give me some feedback? I have porn!

SmallAngryLizardMan

New Member
Feb 2, 2019
7
1
So a week or two ago I posted here with some questions about a project I'm working on in my spare time, a weird, plotty, smutty text adventure, and received some very insightful feedback on what little I was able to share at the time. I now return with an excerpt hoping to pick your brains again. I'm really hoping for some feedback on the tense, as it's written in the second person, which is traditional for text adventures, but not usually like this. The main character is unique and perhaps difficult to relate to, so instead of the second person being used to insert yourself, its the story saying "hey see this guy, this guy is you. You are this man and these traumas are yours, these feelings are yours." That's the hope anyway, most resources I've consulted on writing in the second person amount to "if you're not producing technical writing or a short art piece don't do it" so I'm kind of worried that I'm wasting my time with something that just isn't working. Of course I'd appreciate any other feedback you deign to offer me, the excerpt is under the cut. You don't need to read the whole thing, but, I thought this exerpt would be best since it coveres a range of character interactions, and some smut at the end. Be aware that it's about 7k words long, NSFW, and still a work in progress, and for goodness sake read the content warning before you get upset at me about my choice in kinks because you have been told.
 
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Obscure

Active Member
Game Developer
Jul 15, 2018
833
1,412
Why not give the idea?

No one wants your idea and even if they did steal your idea they would do it completely differently.
 

SmallAngryLizardMan

New Member
Feb 2, 2019
7
1
Well I had the post up for a couple days and got no reply so I figured I'd take it down and work on it some more before I asked again, since I couldn't delete the post I just edited it out. If you want to take the time to give me some feedback I'd be happy to put it back, I just didn't want to leave it floating round here when I'd decided I was gonna try posting elsewhere after more work. What made you guys decide to reply if I may ask? Seemed very little interest when It first went up.
 

Meaning Less

Engaged Member
Sep 13, 2016
3,539
7,178
It differs from person to person, I've seen some 2nd tense games gaining heat because they are "breaking the 4th wall".

But imo it can work perfectly fine in most cases. Especially if the game is focused around the player.
 

LadyLilith-3D

Newbie
Dec 16, 2020
79
245
I saw your post and honestly, it was just too long. Take a small snippet of that (the best part or two) and put it up. People can gauge your "style" from that and it will hold people's interest more than reading a 7k word post.