v0.03 It's an interesting concept and start. There are some issues but they can easily be overcome. Visually it doesn't have enough images which would help to break up the text and aid the story. I really hope more detail can be added to enrich the story, so we can see where this goes. Please can we rename the MC too.
The main issue is the writing; it feels a little rushed and underdeveloped. This results in the story jumping around a little from one sentence to another, leading to some confusion as you're reading. For example Sam calls you from behind to talk to you. You're outside on a bench chatting through a lot of text about the day, then there's "well, well, well" and you're inside helping Sam move a bed with no real break in the text, an image or an introduction to the next scene. How does "well, well, well" help to say you're now inside moving a bed? Why can't Sam just ask your to help move the bed? In one sentence it tells you what's going on, ends the outside scene and starts the next scene in the dorm. It's clear and simple for the reader. The picture choice doesn't really help either. A basic picture of a bench, followed by a picture of a dorm, breaking up the text would help here. Good storytelling creates a visual image in your mind as you read, however the detail to do this is missing in places here too. Other examples are; as you get out of bed and into class, in the toilet scene as others come in, when taking to Miss Carmen the second time, as well as the last scene with Sam. In all of these moments, it felt like I was trying to work out what is going on rather than enjoying the story. Some proof readers before release who offer suggestions would solve this quickly, so it's a small issue, that's easily solved.
There's not enough content to discuss anything else such as the choices, the points system, as they don't seem to matter yet, it's too early. It will be interesting how many paths there will be, as it looks like there's only be one at the moment. Can the dev increase this to broaden the appeal? For example, why is Cadey Mercury, a well known star, who is definitely not trans, one of the real models used in the cast of characters, alongside the four other well known trans stars? Is this deliberate to create a new 'stowaway/secret' a girl in a boys school, she shouldn't be there plotline. It would be great to have VN that had straight, trans and gay plotlines and allowed the readers to choose, so it can appeal to all. It also would be nice to see a friendship only option, to see if this could work as a route between a straight MC and Sam, as they are roommates. This could be emotional and work really well. Or will rejection and bullying be an option here either by or against the MC? It would be really great to see something different in this genre. It's an open and inclusive school, so why not have an open and inclusive story with something for all.
The main issue is the writing; it feels a little rushed and underdeveloped. This results in the story jumping around a little from one sentence to another, leading to some confusion as you're reading. For example Sam calls you from behind to talk to you. You're outside on a bench chatting through a lot of text about the day, then there's "well, well, well" and you're inside helping Sam move a bed with no real break in the text, an image or an introduction to the next scene. How does "well, well, well" help to say you're now inside moving a bed? Why can't Sam just ask your to help move the bed? In one sentence it tells you what's going on, ends the outside scene and starts the next scene in the dorm. It's clear and simple for the reader. The picture choice doesn't really help either. A basic picture of a bench, followed by a picture of a dorm, breaking up the text would help here. Good storytelling creates a visual image in your mind as you read, however the detail to do this is missing in places here too. Other examples are; as you get out of bed and into class, in the toilet scene as others come in, when taking to Miss Carmen the second time, as well as the last scene with Sam. In all of these moments, it felt like I was trying to work out what is going on rather than enjoying the story. Some proof readers before release who offer suggestions would solve this quickly, so it's a small issue, that's easily solved.
There's not enough content to discuss anything else such as the choices, the points system, as they don't seem to matter yet, it's too early. It will be interesting how many paths there will be, as it looks like there's only be one at the moment. Can the dev increase this to broaden the appeal? For example, why is Cadey Mercury, a well known star, who is definitely not trans, one of the real models used in the cast of characters, alongside the four other well known trans stars? Is this deliberate to create a new 'stowaway/secret' a girl in a boys school, she shouldn't be there plotline. It would be great to have VN that had straight, trans and gay plotlines and allowed the readers to choose, so it can appeal to all. It also would be nice to see a friendship only option, to see if this could work as a route between a straight MC and Sam, as they are roommates. This could be emotional and work really well. Or will rejection and bullying be an option here either by or against the MC? It would be really great to see something different in this genre. It's an open and inclusive school, so why not have an open and inclusive story with something for all.