Would you play this game?

[TacoHoleStory]

Story pitch:

A retired drug smuggler moves in with his shy roommate, but after months of peaceful off the grid living, things are shaken up as his roommate begins to act strange. He fears she's gotten herself into trouble and investigates to make sure she's safe, but soon finds out that he's the one in danger.

Can he find a way to clean the stacks of cash hidden under his bed? Will his roommate find out about his past? And what's with this girl he's seeing?

 

[TacoHoleStory]

 

[おい！]

No.

 

[Affogado]

I don't think there's anything wrong with the core plot, so it'd come down to the quality of the writing, visuals, and what kinks were involved.

 

[TacoHoleStory]

I don't think there's anything wrong with the core plot, so it'd come down to the quality of the writing, visuals, and what kinks were involved.

The poll results are pretty indecisive so I had the same thought. I have a clear idea in my head on how to structure it, so hopefully it works out.

 

[anne O'nymous]

Would I play this game ?

Well, honestly no. Not because I'm not interested by the theme, but because your pitch do not offer a coherent place for lewd content.

Your MC is a retired drug dealer. What mean that he know perfectly how dirty life of the streets can be, and he decided to quit this life. No one who made this decision by himself will want to go back on there. You don't quit by caprice, you quit because you realized how stupid/unhealthy/unworthy this life is, and once you had this realization, you'll prefer to have an average boring life that this one again.
There's a reason why, outside of rap, most retired gansta works on social or justice, preaching against the street life. They want to save people, knowing perfectly that life is better outside of the streets, whatever can be this life.
This imply that, the moment his dream of a peaceful life is threatened, the moment where streets risk to grab him back, your MC will have one and only one thing in mind, saving this dream ; and also apparently saving his roommate. For him, it's a life threat. Either he achieve to avoid the trap, or he'll die inside. As for saving his roommate, he probably see it as a redemption for his past. Especially since he don't seem really proud of it ; there's a difference between not wanting to talk about your past (it's a dirty one), and wanting to keep it hidden (you're ashamed of it).

And all this raise a question: who would think about sex in such context ?
He know the streets. He know that a single second of inattention can change everything, that being distracted at the wrong moment can make the difference between success and a total failure. Yet he would spend time flirting/corrupting/fucking ? No, just no.

 

[TacoHoleStory]

Spoiler

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You're making a lot of assumptions I don't blame you for, and you mistook drug smuggler for drug dealer, which are two very different occupations in terms of street involvement. If you do a quick YouTube search for drug smuggler interviews, you'll realise it's about a 50/50 split between people who were "gangsters" and regular people who just gave it a try to make a quick buck. He isn't ashamed because he was never involved on the street level and he never got caught.

Thinking about sex in this context isn't actually his primary concern at the start, he gets pulled into it.

Spoiler: Major spoilers for episode 1 of my game

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Also, he got out scott free with a ton of money and has found settling down to be boring because of his previous risky life. I think sex would be a good escape from boredom.

This is frustrating, but I need to find a way to communicate this in the final pitch so the nuances of the theme are conveyed properly.

 

[anne O'nymous]

You're making a lot of assumptions

I can read your pitch, but can't read your mind. But it's not assumptions, just psychology applied to the few information you gave.

a 50/50 split between people who were "gangsters" and regular people who just gave it a try to make a quick buck.

Then either he was a gangster, or he isn't retired because it was never a career for him ; you stop an occasional occupation, you don't retire from it.

He isn't ashamed because he was never involved on the street level and he never got caught.

Then he have no reason to really care if his roommate discover his past or not. Yet you made it an important point, since it's one of the few information you gave. Or he care more than reason for his roommate, and then there's missing information in your pitch.

Also, he got out scott free with a ton of money and has found settling down to be boring because of his previous risky life.

He could go to Bengal, hunting tigers. As long as he don't brag about it, no one will know, and obviously no one will ask the origin of his money, nor wonder how much he spent when he were there. He can learn sailing, no boredom here, and once again anytime he reach a port, no one will care about his money. Why not learning how to fly a small plane ? There's a lot of works in Africa. Excitement guaranty, you works when you want, and here again no one will care about the origin of your money.
There's so many places, outside of the western world, when you can spend you illegal money without problem, while not being bored a single second, and totally forgoten. This before you come back to the west with valuable possession that everyone will take as granted, then decide to stop in some pacific paradise, where you'll have peace and adventure, and where no one will really care about how much money you still have.
Yet he have a roommate and live in what seem to be a regularly populated place, while needing a way to deal with the money under his bed.

I think sex would be a good escape from boredom.

Honestly ? Not if he's bored because of his previous risky life. Not enough adrenaline and not long enough.

This is frustrating, but I need to find a way to communicate this in the final pitch so the nuances of the theme are conveyed properly.

If you can't write a good pitch for your story, then it's that yourself aren't sure to know its main points and their importance.


Just one point by example: Why is he a retired drugs smuggler ?

Because he have a lot of money that he can't use directly ? Because he need a past that will come back to him ? Because he need something to hide from his roommate ? All this will not being necessarily a bad guy ? He don't need to be a retired drugs for all that.

He can have been gardener for a rich white supremacist. One day he found his boss dead, cardiac arrest while he was putting money on his safe. The safe being opened, he took all the money. After some times continuing to works a gardener, in order to not raised suspicion, he moved at the other side of the country and changed his life.
All points are covered, including the roommate who could take it badly if she knew that he had no real problem working for a well known white supremacist.
And this is just one of the many possible reasons that would cover all the point needed.

If he's a retired drugs smuggler, it need to be for a precise reason, a reason that wouldn't make the story works as well if he was something else. Or else, then him being a retired smuggler have no importance, and so have no place in your pitch.
Your pitch then don't talk anymore about a "retired drugs smuggler", but about a "guy with a mysterious past". This whatever how mysterious will this past be, or not, for the player, because it's not what matter, but the fact that he have money to launder, and that his past can potentially come back knocking at his door. Well, obviously as long as this is really what matter in your story.
Know what matter, why it matter, and how it impact your story, and you'll know how to express it in your pitch.

 

[Sphere42]

All the details aside I agree with anne that no matter how well you tell the story pitched in the OP I simply don't see how porn content will meaningfully fit in beyond the normal excuses ("dev" by day, party animal or pimp by night...)

More specifically focusing on the spoiler you provided, that turn of events is nowhere near what I would expect based on the OP and not in a good way. A mostly sitting-in-your-home-doing-digital-stuff setting does not match my expectations of a smuggler (nor a dealer/gangster ofc) and if you don't spoil it I would be rather disappointed if all the sexual content centred around the roommate. As a smuggler I would expect him to travel a lot or do social engineering, probably both. Date a cop or charm his way into a tour group, maybe hook up with a mafia MILF or something if he did have any "professional" contacts back in the day. Also I don't see how your money laundering scheme would work, if he can convert to crypto he's basically won already because further transactions will be very hard to trace, right?

 

[anne O'nymous]

Just an (almost) off topic note, that still regard people wanting to take a look at comment regarding story pitch in order to finalize their own, or to ensure that their story script is realistic enough :

Also I don't see how your money laundering scheme would work, if he can convert to crypto he's basically won already because further transactions will be very hard to trace, right?

Crypto-currencies do not really change something here.
It's a good news for all the bad guys that need to transfer money, because your millions can travel side to side of the world without worries. But once "at destination" you'll still need to justify how you got them, what is the role of money laundering.
If, so far, IRS (and equivalent outside of the US) don't investigate this much, they would still be really suspicious, and ask a lot of questions, if you take a million out of your crypto-hat. Even the 15% to 20% moves, that bitcoin can have sometimes, imply a big initial investment. This while mining such amount of money would imply a really high energy consumption that would clearly be noticeable.

I assume that the reason why the roommate is a camgirl is clearly linked to the MC having money to launder. Whatever which one came to his mind first, OP probably seen the roommate occupation as a way to launder the money.
In a way he isn't wrong. The abusing percentage took by cam-sites make them a perfect way to launder money, and I don't know to which extend it's not already what happen. But it works because there's thousands of girls from all over the world. Having a double accounting book is not really difficult, and increasing the girls income by 1% should already generate a descent amount of cash.

But applied to a single person this isn't an effective way to launder money.
Nowadays, the most successful

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don't show her earning, but she have 3.367 patrons, against the 28.810 of DarkCookie. Assuming that the average pledge is the same, it make her earn around 9.000/month. If you achieve to fake 10% of her earning, what is already an unrealistic number, it would still make you launder only 10.800/year ; it's bellow the highest minimal wage in the US, that is around 12.000/year.
The fact is that you don't need a laundering scheme for so few. Spend few hundreds more, while putting 200 more on your bank account, each month, and no one will notice it.
Even assuming the fiction part of the story, you can't goes really further than 30.000/year without falling in the pure fantasy. And honestly in a Western country, 30.000/year offer you a decent life, nothing more.

Plus, must be addressed another flaw on the pitch. It seem to be assumed that her being a cam girl will be the corruption factor for the MC. But this also imply that all person doing this are pervert by nature, what is far to be the case ; in fact you can't even assume that they are exhibitionist by nature.
You aren't a sex craving person just because you works, more or less, in the sex industry. Most people doing it are just people that need to eat and are comfortable enough with their body and/or sexuality.
The pitch will need more for the lewd parts to happen, this especially if, like it seem to be the case, the MC really care for his roommate. It's not rare that close friendship turn into romance, but here it feel like this care is a brother/father-like one, what will make the move more difficult to handle.


All this being said, note that it's not a criticism of your pitch, TacoHoleStory , more an analyze of it as you presented it.
At no time my intent fall along the line of, "your idea is stupid". I point what seem to be the flaws, explaining why I see them as it, in order for you to have the strongest possible story when you'll finally start your game.