VN Ren'Py Abandoned Your Story [v0.01] [YaBoii]

[YaBoii69]

Your Story is a Visual Novel adult game. You'll play as the most left character in the image above. You're a young police officer who got recruited by some secret special agency. In this story your decision decide how your story will go. Please note that this is a work in progress it's the first version released right now so there is not much content.
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Thread Updated: 2023-05-21
Release Date: 2017-10-27
Develope: YaBoii -

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Censorship: No
Version: 0.01
OS: Windows, Mac
Language: English
Genre:

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Changelog:

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Installation:

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Developer Notes:

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[j3wed]

I'll steal the first post. Btw, this looks like garbage but let's try it.

 

[Katgza]

I'll steal the first post. Btw, this looks like garbage but let's try it.

please don't be disrespectful.

Well let's talk about the game, the gameplay doesn't last 5 minutes, with respect to the art within the game, well I guess it could be improved.

 

[YaBoii69]

I'll steal the first post. Btw, this looks like garbage but let's try it.

If there are some things you would like to see in the game im open for any suggestions. Got any tips for me to make it less garbage for you?

 

[YaBoii69]

please don't be disrespectful.

Well let's talk about the game, the gameplay doesn't last 5 minutes, with respect to the art within the game, well I guess it could be improved.

I know. Art is definitely not my stong suit, I'll be working on this project to increase the content, it was just a idea I came up with and wanted to see how many people were interested. Thanks for the feedback

 

[j3wed]

I know. Art is definitely not my stong suit, I'll be working on this project to increase the content, it was just a idea I came up with and wanted to see how many people were interested. Thanks for the feedback

Look, my boi, i suggest you to play some renpy games of other devs and copy their design. katies corruption and games like rad science seem to be one of the lowest of efforts in game progression and art that gets a pass from players - most likely be because of the female mc's and transformation stuff. You should try that out and make your game head in that direction. As for the current plot and fetishes, it looks pretty dull and uninteresting, to be sincere.

 

[YaBoii69]

Look, my boi, i suggest you to play some renpy games of other devs and copy their design. katies corruption and games like rad science seem to be one of the lowest of efforts in game progression and art that gets a pass from players - most likely be because of the female mc's and transformation stuff. You should try that out and make your game head in that direction. As for the current plot and fetishes, it looks pretty dull and uninteresting, to be sincere.

Alright I'll look into it.

 

[Demon Jhim]

please don't be disrespectful.

Well let's talk about the game, the gameplay doesn't last 5 minutes, with respect to the art within the game, well I guess it could be improved.

SO doesn't last 5 mins then my decision easier I'll be back.

 

[User_10739]

By the time I got to the bathroom I had, had enough. I don't want to shoot you down in flames but maybe some tough love?
First, find an artist to team up with! If art isn't your thing, don't do it... If you offer up png's with jagged edges on a background drawn in MS Paint you are going to incur some harsh criticisms.
If you are using photoshop at least apply some blur to the edges of anything you had to cut out. If you need images for your game google morguefiles and then just use a photoshop action or filter to alter them. Spend a few bucks and get a good one, don't just use poster edges & cut out like everyone else seems to.

 

[faaack]

Cool there is a Thread-Tool!

 

[Hung Gen]

I see potential for ntr, corruption, blackmail, group sex, multiple penetration and espionage. I haven't tried the game yet. You might be able to work around incest, if done up properly.

 

[goatwhisperer3]

To say it as nice as possible....... i have some kind of aversion against games that have basically no content but already a patreon page and even the patreon page seems to be made with... little effort. I get that this isn't planned as ur new main income, but u ask people to sponsor you and you should simply ask yourself "if the first thing i see is this page...would i choose to support this guy (over the dozen of other devs with 0.0.1 demos)?

If you really try to "sell" ur idea, why not actually really put some effort into a proper first build with some content? If the dev doesnt believe in his own project (thats how I interpret all those "I better do not put too much time into developing a demo. If in the end it doesnt work out, i want to waste as little time as possible with a potential failure" game-pitches) ...then why should other people believe in it?

 

[UncleVT]

I think you should take some time, develop something that explains the plot, present the characters, add some backgrounds (there are several free) and then show the game. The way it is now, I really do not want to play it, not to mention support it.

 

[User_186125]

Whatever you decide, don't feel discouraged! This is prime time to learn and such just my two cents.

 

[Salamatama]

This looks like it can go somewhere, art style could use a bit more work but I think it's pretty okay.

 

[pb03]

Art wise, aka daz stuff i assume, look up some of the fan art for DMD, Big brother, etc. they give good tips on how to make images better, but there is a lot of stuff to look through.

they r listed under popular game, then pick the game, then find the fan art thread.

 

[Volta]

@YaBoii69
I'm going to say a few things here that you may not like, i'll do my best to keep it reasonable and suggest work arounds and ways to fix some of the problems.

Firstly if this is going to be a VN, which characteristically live and die on the story and writing style you may want to change the order and wording in your intro, things like "After some tough moments" is this going to be explained in the game or is this sort of a placeholder? and "today is your first day of training. The undercover training. 4 years ago you applied for the police force." the order in this is not great, ideally you need to have explained who the PC is before saying he's going for undercover training, just saying at the beginning that you are a 24 year old cop would do fine.

There are some phrases i would suggest could use a slight change "Sgt Dickson: don't just stand there get in", "get in" would read fine for a vehicle "come in" works better for a building "Sgt Dickson: Welcome in paradise, ..." should read "Welcome to paradise". Basically a read through of you script for wording and spelling fixes would go a long way and if you feel like it perhaps get your self a proofreader or editor, i know it helps me a lot.

Also when the player has his flashback as to his GF cheating i'd suggest changing the background to something more relevant, perhaps a bedroom?

While i do like the use of thoughts you could perhaps use the PC's text box just in italics that way you can write and use the thoughts of anyone you come across by putting the text block into italics, that is a design choice and that is up to you just my suggestion.

As for the Daz work i have to ask are you using Iray materials in the Iray renderer? it seems to be the shine on the skin is a little off. Also the poses could use a little work but don't worry if this is your first try then it is way better than i did first time through and a little practise will fix that without a problem.

I don't want't to be derogatory but the backgrounds need changing, there are free stock photos on the net that you can use that would be an improvement over what i assume is paint, if you really need a free option to draw your own stuff in use Gimp and to be fair this is a pirate site, i don;t expect Photoshop would be hard to find if you put your mind to it, using something like that to produce a start page image could go a long way as well.

In summary:
+ story scenario has legs, you could go anywhere you want with this and flexibility is good.
+ Your obviously serious about this or you wouldn't be asking for feedback
+ Sex poses are pretty good for a first timer
+ player scores are tracked like fitness

- You really need to address the background images, as is it comes off pretty badly.
- Engrish needs work, it's a pet bug of mine.
- Daz materials need to be correct for the render engine you are using else they will come out oily/shiny looking

As a proof of concept i've seen worse and putting together a fully working bug free demo is a decent start, though i think this has a long way to go before i would be happy with releasing this for public consumption or patreon.

Good Luck with it.

 

[gay121314]

Lol. guys,

It's not a crime not being a veteran when it comes to making a game. It's only a very small crime to make a Patreon page, and ask for support if you aren't. So I guess Yaboii will not yet go to hell for it... in the meantime we'll watch how the game developes and we might wanna give him a thumbs up for trying, won't we?

 

[thecardinal]

@YaBoii69
- Daz materials need to be correct for the render engine you are using else they will come out oily/shiny looking

This x 1000. I was gonna say something along these lines, but you went above and beyond.

 

[Volta]

@carnalcardinal I have a tendency to go overboard with reviews and the like, though i'd roll with it this time.