Anyone care enough to test a simple demo of my visual novel?

[just a random guy]

It's the demo of a visual novel I've been working on. Quite short (~1 200 words) and lack of CG (only ~11mb for all images) since I have planned my script, but my renders are not fast enough to catch up and my GPU can't do well with the modeling. I still need feedback and bashes, however.

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Thanks.

 

[Goatface]

It's really too early to give a fair judgement based on what's available. Seems to be a gender-reversal story, of sorts. Premise seems interesting enough. The house looks really tasteful. I'd probably thin out the model for the wife just a hair, though.

 

[89tasker]

I'm going to try this one blind. Will come back and give my review.

You may want to include some simple tags. If your VN includes anything that is a complete no go for some people, you will get very negative feedback.

 

[89tasker]

The Lost One [Ren'py]

Grammatical errors throughout. Need a proof-reader: "is it" instead of "it is"; pant vs pants; Missing comas, losing prepositions, incorrect tenses, etc. English gets progressively worse. Developer not a native speaker?

Actions given in the game only have 1 choice. Checking to see the reader isn't skipping the text?

Subtle 4th wall break. Not much humor otherwise.

CG of Laura is okay. Good looking but is surprisingly 2D for 3DCG character. Complete lack of any sort of lighting effect flattens the image. Background images are the highlight of this game; good angles and interesting perspectives.

This is an introduction and nothing more. You find out the MC's name, what he does, and his home situation. There is a story hook, but it's pretty thin. The story relies completely on the reader's curiosity to find out more; which it can lose quickly if nothing interesting happens. Not sure if the plot device is an intentional 4th wall break. Could be interesting if it is....

Bottom line: There is nothing here yet. I spent more time on this review than on the game.

 

[captainJugs]

The Lost One [Ren'py]
CG of Laura is okay. Good looking but is surprisingly 2D for 3DCG character. Complete lack of any sort of lighting effect flattens the image.

+1 on 89tasker
Without proper lighting, the eyes don't show much reflection.
And when eyes don't have reflection or lighting flare it can make the person look dead. This is because dead people lose the moisture in the eyes.

Overall - Good start but lots of room for improvement.

 

[just a random guy]

It's really too early to give a fair judgement based on what's available. Seems to be a gender-reversal story, of sorts. Premise seems interesting enough. The house looks really tasteful. I'd probably thin out the model for the wife just a hair, though.

The Lost One [Ren'py]

Grammatical errors throughout. Need a proof-reader: "is it" instead of "it is"; pant vs pants; Missing comas, losing prepositions, incorrect tenses, etc. English gets progressively worse. Developer not a native speaker?

Actions given in the game only have 1 choice. Checking to see the reader isn't skipping the text?

Subtle 4th wall break. Not much humor otherwise.

CG of Laura is okay. Good looking but is surprisingly 2D for 3DCG character. Complete lack of any sort of lighting effect flattens the image. Background images are the highlight of this game; good angles and interesting perspectives.

This is an introduction and nothing more. You find out the MC's name, what he does, and his home situation. There is a story hook, but it's pretty thin. The story relies completely on the reader's curiosity to find out more; which it can lose quickly if nothing interesting happens. Not sure if the plot device is an intentional 4th wall break. Could be interesting if it is....

Bottom line: There is nothing here yet. I spent more time on this review than on the game.

+1 on 89tasker
Without proper lighting, the eyes don't show much reflection.
And when eyes don't have reflection or lighting flare it can make the person look dead. This is because dead people lose the moisture in the eyes.

Overall - Good start but lots of room for improvement.

It's true that I'm not a native speaker myself and I will definitely try to improve my writing skills. As for CG, I tried doing a full 1st view at first, but my GPU will not allow it, so I resorted to showing character's CG on background.

Again, thanks a lot for your feedback.

 

[Lt. Aldo Raine]

Im definitely curious as to how the story will unfold, id say run with it.