Somebody liked
1: Establish the Status Quo & Character Flaws : We open with a scene that re-establishes a lot of what we know from the original series:
2: Establish what the characters Need & get the audience rooting for our flawed protagonists : Next, a scene that forces them out of the status quo, establishing the actual goal and stakes for the game, not just their Quest:
Their goal was just to clear the first room of a dungeon and recover an item that was in there, a lyre of sentimental value to an adventurer who dropped it when they were fleeing the boss, a powerful Lamia. But when they arrive, the room is empty. They start arguing about whether to go back to town or try and search the rest of the first floor for the item, it devolves into over-the-top bickering, eventually descending into pettiness and name-calling, and just when it's starting to look like in any other series it would come to blows, they hear a woman's scream echoing down the stone corridor.
Without hesitation, they leap into action to try and save whatever total stranger is apparently in peril. Even as they run, Kazuma mentally berates himself for how stupid this heroic stunt is, tactically speaking, but that doesn't stop him from running. They pass door after open door, but find no monsters. All the torches are lit, and treasure and food are strewn about. They all agree that this wasn't the scene they were expecting to find in a supposedly monster-infested dungeon like this one. It almost looks as if the place was invaded by humans who then proceeded to occupy it, rather than loot it. Very strange.
Soon, they arrive at the gigantic door to the Boss room. Kazuma remarks that based on all the other corridors they've explored around the Boss Room, it could be incredibly spacious inside. He notices that Aqua has already stepped on a pressure plate, but it hasn't sprung any traps. He surmises it might be part of a mechanism that would cause the door to slam shut after they enter the room? Just then, they hear a lyre begin to play.
Using the music as cover to converse using hushed whispers, Kazuma outlines a modified version of their plan to the girls: Darkness will use her great strength to smash open the door. Kazuma will rush forward, and try to get the Lamia's attention. This will hopefully buy Aqua just enough time to cast a healing spell if the human woman needs it, then they grab her and get the hell out of there. Darkness covers their reteat, then Megumin casts her Explosion past Darkness into the room. If Darkness dives back just in the nick of time, the door should slam shut, protecting them from the blast, which will hopefully defeat the boss.
(Hopefully, the fact that they're all willing to set aside their differences and risk their lives for a stranger, without even discussing it, shows that despite all their very obvious flaws, they're good people deep down inside. Likewise, the mystery of how un-dungeony this dungeon turned out to be will hopefully pique the reader's interest just long enough for them to want to see where this is going. Kazuma shows how resourceful he is, Megumin shows she's patient enough to be a team player and wait for her pyrotechnics, Darkness shows her serious side. I need something for Aqua to be repenting for here... maybe it's her fault they accepted the quest? TODO: SET SOMETHING UP FOR AQUA) Darkness, Kazuma and Aqua step onto the pressure plate together, while Megumin holds back.
Just then, the woman screams again.
Re-reading this, I see that I didn't actually establish any sort of Lack that ties into later events in the story. Maybe... yeah, okay... an earlier scene where Kazuma puts his foot in his mouth in a way that he regrets. And later, maybe in this scene, he lamets that he just doesn't understand what women want. Not even women as obnoxious as the ones in his own party.
3: Crossing the threshold: Now the characters commit the action that will suck them out of their comfort zones and into an adventure they weren't prepared for.
They burst, in and see the Lamia on a pile of cushions in the well-lit room. A naked human woman is clutched from behind by the Lamia. They both appear to be struggling. Megumin begins chanting her incantations. (Don't worry, it takes like five minutes to cast, this will be fine.) Aqua stands aghast looking at the scene. Kazuma shouts at her to "Hurry up, run forward! Just like we planned!" Then he looks where she is looking and experiences an anime nosebleed.
The woman is very clearly aroused, and it appears as if the Lamia behind her was having sex with her when they burst in.
Darkness rushes forward, shouting for the woman to "Get behind me! I should be the one in that monster's claws, not you!" Kazuma scolds Darkness for leaving her position, and darts forward to distract the Lamia, yelling at Aqua to stay on the pressure plate until they can get Darkness back on it. Aqua, meanwhile, darts forward, yelling at the woman she's supposed to be rescuing. "You hussy! How dare you expose yourself in front of Kazuma like this!?" Kazuma scolds her for leaving the pressure plate, and with no one standing on it, the door slams shut behind them. (Yeah... that'll do Aqua. That'll do.)
Out in the hallway, Megumin stares incredulously for a moment, before dropping her spell. She starts pounding on the door, shouting "KAZUMA!!!"
Kazuma finds himself between the human woman, Aqua, who is actively trying to punch her, and Darkness, who is struggling to pry the woman away from the Lamia. "She's surprisingly strong," she shouts. Thinking quickly, Kazuma stomps as hard as he can on the Lamia's tail. Then he looks surprised. "It can't be," he thinks, "That's not..."
Kazuma crashes to the ground as Aqua and Darkness try to pummel the woman and the lamia, respectively. Aqua's punches seem to bounce right off the woman's face, and Darkness can't land a punch to save her life. But as she swings, she notices the Lamia's relatively flat chest. "Kazuma! The Quest posting said this Lamia was a horrible monster that seduces and kills men and women alike!" Kazuma: "So!?" Darkness: "So why is it so flat-chested!?"
Darkness and Kazuma both shout "I can answer that!"
Aqua casts Sacred Break Spell on the woman, while Kazuma grabs the Lamia's tail and pulls hard.
The "tail" is pulled off, revealing it to have been a snakeskin blanket all along.
The woman is revealed to be a Lamia, as the Sacred Break Spell carries away the illusion that had been making her look human.
And Kazuma and Aqua stagger backwards, absurdly off-model and shouting "IT CAN'T BE!"
"THE LAMIA WAS A MAN ALL ALONG!?"
Aqua looks annoyed. "If you can call him that!"
4: The real Trials begin. - It's not quite obvious to the audience yet, but a parasite has just latched onto the party, and it will take the entire second act for them to dislodge it.
After a scene change, everyone has calmed down, and the Lamia and the man have gotten dressed. The man is a Bard, one of the many heroes Aqua sent from another world to try and save this one, before she sent Kazuma. She granted this man The Gift of Gab, a literal silver tongue that bestows upon him literally godly conversational skills. Worse, after she'd granted him the Gift of Gab, in Aqua's words,"He asked me for a cup of tea!"
"What's so bad about that?"
"While I was preparing the tea, he seduced one of my coworkers!"
We see a flashback of him sweet-talking an angel, while Aqua fumes and struggles to make tea.
Aqua: "And worse yet, after that, every time I asked him if he was ready for me to send him to this world, he would just ask me for another cup of tea! Then he'd seduce another angel!"
Kazuma: "You should have just said 'But thou must.' "
Darkness (attempting to be coy and failing misterably) : "Not that I'm usually into pretty-boys, but what exactly did he do with them?"
Megumin: "Can I blow him up?"
Lamia: "I don't see what the big deal is." (sets down a tea tray) "What's so hard about making tea?"
Aqua: "And the worst part of all, is what he said to me after he'd had his way with literally every female he could find in our section of the Afterlife!"
(Flashback) Bard: "Okay, I guess you can send me to the next world now."
Kazuma: "That sounds like what you wanted him to say."
Darkness (trying and failing to hide her blush) "My goodness! Such... endurance..."
Megumin: "Can I blow him up?"
Aqua: "You don't understand! That bastard must have used Silver Tongue on us! He used it to have his way with every female he could find... except me!"
Kazuma (thinking): "Honestly? That part's kinda relatable."
That's as far as I've developed the plot. Basically to roughly the halfway point. The rest is Kazuma trying to decide whether or not to fight this guy, then trying to figure out how to fight this guy when he can Charm Kazuma and the rest of his party with but a word. The twist comes when Kazuma manages to trick The Bard into using each individual aspect of The Gift of Gab in front of him, (usually on the girls in Kazuma's own party, which we now reveal was a plan the girls were in on the whole time,) then after much cajoiling, Kazuma finally manages to get him to say the words "I've taught you a lesson," at which point, Kazuma has technically been trained in the Gift of Gab by a master, so he can legally start putting Skill Points into it.
If I can keep up this pace, I think I can hit all the points I wanted to hit:
Which is funny as hell, BTW. If you haven't seen it yet, maybe check it out. (Also, if you read all this despite not being familiar with Konosuba, I must be doing something right, so maybe drop a reply, let me know I'm on the right track.)
Fan or not, if you see an obvious flaw in what I've written, please let me know about it. I'm not sure if I have what it takes to fully develop this project or not, but I'm gauging interest. Thinking about it was a fun thought experiment. Let me know.
You must be registered to see the links
on a
You must be registered to see the links
fan game, and I re-read the thread to see what Past Me was on about, and it got me thinking about how tricky it is to write a Konosuba porn game without completely breaking the "rules" that govern its comedy. Any Konosuba fans out there? Read this and let me know what you think:1: Establish the Status Quo & Character Flaws : We open with a scene that re-establishes a lot of what we know from the original series:
- Kazuma is a scumbag with a heart of gold teleported from modern Japan into a fantasy world with video-game like rules.
- Aqua's a proud Goddess with incredible power but low intelligence, both book learnin' and street smarts.
- Megumin is a member of a world-famous tribe of spellcasters, the Crimson Demons. Unfortunately, her character build is completely wack, optimized for casting the strongest attack spell in the game, but casting it depletes her MP and HP, rendering her incapable of fighting for the rest of the day.
- Darkess is a massochistic Crusader, optimized for tanking damage, to the point of being literally incapable of landing a hit in combat.
2: Establish what the characters Need & get the audience rooting for our flawed protagonists : Next, a scene that forces them out of the status quo, establishing the actual goal and stakes for the game, not just their Quest:
Their goal was just to clear the first room of a dungeon and recover an item that was in there, a lyre of sentimental value to an adventurer who dropped it when they were fleeing the boss, a powerful Lamia. But when they arrive, the room is empty. They start arguing about whether to go back to town or try and search the rest of the first floor for the item, it devolves into over-the-top bickering, eventually descending into pettiness and name-calling, and just when it's starting to look like in any other series it would come to blows, they hear a woman's scream echoing down the stone corridor.
Without hesitation, they leap into action to try and save whatever total stranger is apparently in peril. Even as they run, Kazuma mentally berates himself for how stupid this heroic stunt is, tactically speaking, but that doesn't stop him from running. They pass door after open door, but find no monsters. All the torches are lit, and treasure and food are strewn about. They all agree that this wasn't the scene they were expecting to find in a supposedly monster-infested dungeon like this one. It almost looks as if the place was invaded by humans who then proceeded to occupy it, rather than loot it. Very strange.
Soon, they arrive at the gigantic door to the Boss room. Kazuma remarks that based on all the other corridors they've explored around the Boss Room, it could be incredibly spacious inside. He notices that Aqua has already stepped on a pressure plate, but it hasn't sprung any traps. He surmises it might be part of a mechanism that would cause the door to slam shut after they enter the room? Just then, they hear a lyre begin to play.
Using the music as cover to converse using hushed whispers, Kazuma outlines a modified version of their plan to the girls: Darkness will use her great strength to smash open the door. Kazuma will rush forward, and try to get the Lamia's attention. This will hopefully buy Aqua just enough time to cast a healing spell if the human woman needs it, then they grab her and get the hell out of there. Darkness covers their reteat, then Megumin casts her Explosion past Darkness into the room. If Darkness dives back just in the nick of time, the door should slam shut, protecting them from the blast, which will hopefully defeat the boss.
(Hopefully, the fact that they're all willing to set aside their differences and risk their lives for a stranger, without even discussing it, shows that despite all their very obvious flaws, they're good people deep down inside. Likewise, the mystery of how un-dungeony this dungeon turned out to be will hopefully pique the reader's interest just long enough for them to want to see where this is going. Kazuma shows how resourceful he is, Megumin shows she's patient enough to be a team player and wait for her pyrotechnics, Darkness shows her serious side. I need something for Aqua to be repenting for here... maybe it's her fault they accepted the quest? TODO: SET SOMETHING UP FOR AQUA) Darkness, Kazuma and Aqua step onto the pressure plate together, while Megumin holds back.
Just then, the woman screams again.
Re-reading this, I see that I didn't actually establish any sort of Lack that ties into later events in the story. Maybe... yeah, okay... an earlier scene where Kazuma puts his foot in his mouth in a way that he regrets. And later, maybe in this scene, he lamets that he just doesn't understand what women want. Not even women as obnoxious as the ones in his own party.
3: Crossing the threshold: Now the characters commit the action that will suck them out of their comfort zones and into an adventure they weren't prepared for.
They burst, in and see the Lamia on a pile of cushions in the well-lit room. A naked human woman is clutched from behind by the Lamia. They both appear to be struggling. Megumin begins chanting her incantations. (Don't worry, it takes like five minutes to cast, this will be fine.) Aqua stands aghast looking at the scene. Kazuma shouts at her to "Hurry up, run forward! Just like we planned!" Then he looks where she is looking and experiences an anime nosebleed.
The woman is very clearly aroused, and it appears as if the Lamia behind her was having sex with her when they burst in.
Darkness rushes forward, shouting for the woman to "Get behind me! I should be the one in that monster's claws, not you!" Kazuma scolds Darkness for leaving her position, and darts forward to distract the Lamia, yelling at Aqua to stay on the pressure plate until they can get Darkness back on it. Aqua, meanwhile, darts forward, yelling at the woman she's supposed to be rescuing. "You hussy! How dare you expose yourself in front of Kazuma like this!?" Kazuma scolds her for leaving the pressure plate, and with no one standing on it, the door slams shut behind them. (Yeah... that'll do Aqua. That'll do.)
Out in the hallway, Megumin stares incredulously for a moment, before dropping her spell. She starts pounding on the door, shouting "KAZUMA!!!"
Kazuma finds himself between the human woman, Aqua, who is actively trying to punch her, and Darkness, who is struggling to pry the woman away from the Lamia. "She's surprisingly strong," she shouts. Thinking quickly, Kazuma stomps as hard as he can on the Lamia's tail. Then he looks surprised. "It can't be," he thinks, "That's not..."
Kazuma crashes to the ground as Aqua and Darkness try to pummel the woman and the lamia, respectively. Aqua's punches seem to bounce right off the woman's face, and Darkness can't land a punch to save her life. But as she swings, she notices the Lamia's relatively flat chest. "Kazuma! The Quest posting said this Lamia was a horrible monster that seduces and kills men and women alike!" Kazuma: "So!?" Darkness: "So why is it so flat-chested!?"
Darkness and Kazuma both shout "I can answer that!"
Aqua casts Sacred Break Spell on the woman, while Kazuma grabs the Lamia's tail and pulls hard.
The "tail" is pulled off, revealing it to have been a snakeskin blanket all along.
The woman is revealed to be a Lamia, as the Sacred Break Spell carries away the illusion that had been making her look human.
And Kazuma and Aqua stagger backwards, absurdly off-model and shouting "IT CAN'T BE!"
"THE LAMIA WAS A MAN ALL ALONG!?"
Aqua looks annoyed. "If you can call him that!"
4: The real Trials begin. - It's not quite obvious to the audience yet, but a parasite has just latched onto the party, and it will take the entire second act for them to dislodge it.
After a scene change, everyone has calmed down, and the Lamia and the man have gotten dressed. The man is a Bard, one of the many heroes Aqua sent from another world to try and save this one, before she sent Kazuma. She granted this man The Gift of Gab, a literal silver tongue that bestows upon him literally godly conversational skills. Worse, after she'd granted him the Gift of Gab, in Aqua's words,"He asked me for a cup of tea!"
"What's so bad about that?"
"While I was preparing the tea, he seduced one of my coworkers!"
We see a flashback of him sweet-talking an angel, while Aqua fumes and struggles to make tea.
Aqua: "And worse yet, after that, every time I asked him if he was ready for me to send him to this world, he would just ask me for another cup of tea! Then he'd seduce another angel!"
Kazuma: "You should have just said 'But thou must.' "
Darkness (attempting to be coy and failing misterably) : "Not that I'm usually into pretty-boys, but what exactly did he do with them?"
Megumin: "Can I blow him up?"
Lamia: "I don't see what the big deal is." (sets down a tea tray) "What's so hard about making tea?"
Aqua: "And the worst part of all, is what he said to me after he'd had his way with literally every female he could find in our section of the Afterlife!"
(Flashback) Bard: "Okay, I guess you can send me to the next world now."
Kazuma: "That sounds like what you wanted him to say."
Darkness (trying and failing to hide her blush) "My goodness! Such... endurance..."
Megumin: "Can I blow him up?"
Aqua: "You don't understand! That bastard must have used Silver Tongue on us! He used it to have his way with every female he could find... except me!"
Kazuma (thinking): "Honestly? That part's kinda relatable."
That's as far as I've developed the plot. Basically to roughly the halfway point. The rest is Kazuma trying to decide whether or not to fight this guy, then trying to figure out how to fight this guy when he can Charm Kazuma and the rest of his party with but a word. The twist comes when Kazuma manages to trick The Bard into using each individual aspect of The Gift of Gab in front of him, (usually on the girls in Kazuma's own party, which we now reveal was a plan the girls were in on the whole time,) then after much cajoiling, Kazuma finally manages to get him to say the words "I've taught you a lesson," at which point, Kazuma has technically been trained in the Gift of Gab by a master, so he can legally start putting Skill Points into it.
If I can keep up this pace, I think I can hit all the points I wanted to hit:
- It deconstructs escapist harem fantasy game tropes the same way the anime deconstructed isekai light novel and anime tropes.
- It maintains all of the characters' traits from the anime. (Albiet at the expense of creating a new lot of lore and backstory).
- I think I'm doing a halfway decent job at emulating their style of humor. (Though it needs some really big long-running callback'd jokes to really tie the whole arc together.)
- That secret touch of hidden wholesomeness the series is known for.
- Even while being charmed, the girls' personalities and motivations don't change.
- No rape.
- No NTR, although I'll admit some of Aqua's baggage and the struggle against The Bard feel kinda NTR-adjacent.
- Smart wins, stupid fails, terrible jokes that build on each other and compound over time
- And at the end of it all, Kazuma discovers that The Gift of gab allows him to see both his relationship levels with the girls, and what they truly want, thus setting him up to be THE Harem Protagonist in future games. Even if he's unlucky and surrounded by terrible women.
Which is funny as hell, BTW. If you haven't seen it yet, maybe check it out. (Also, if you read all this despite not being familiar with Konosuba, I must be doing something right, so maybe drop a reply, let me know I'm on the right track.)
Fan or not, if you see an obvious flaw in what I've written, please let me know about it. I'm not sure if I have what it takes to fully develop this project or not, but I'm gauging interest. Thinking about it was a fun thought experiment. Let me know.
Last edited:
Is that an option?