Some things I would like to see:
- less 'fourth wall breaking' dialogues (no 'XXI century' words, like "french kiss") [more intelligent mc?]
Just started playing today and I would concur. I've never been fond of 4th wall breaking in VNs, particularly ones where the narrator tries to be a character (e.g Lewd Island, The Wish) because it feels like the writer is trying to show off how clever and "meta" they are and disrupts the natural flow of the narrative. There's a fine line between being funny and being a smartass. A character can get away with being a smartass. A story generally cannot.
Oh, I also have to agree that Ashur is, quite frankly, a moron to an almost aggravating degree. His inability to grasp that Darius has his life in his hands and, tactless as he is, is trying to help is annoying, as is his general disregard for his station. It is, quite honestly, unrealistic: he seems less like someone who was actually born and raised in this setting and has at least SOME idea of how things work, and more like some idiot fratboy from the modern day who's been transported to this feudal world and still thinks he can just go on acting like he always has because nothing bad can happen to him. Trying to address Darius' elder brother (who was OBVIOUSLY someone of higher rank than him) as "Hey asshole-" was so idiotic that I almost wanted him to have his head cut off just so a less stupid protagonist could take over.
Also, I dunno if I'm missing something, but there seems to be a bit of a discrepancy with meeting Tahir. The first time he appears, Ashur comments "Tahir sure grew up in... interesting ways", but when Beni is chasing Darius Ashur and Tahir talk like they've only just met for the first time ever. But then during the first sex scene they've clearly known each other for quite some time after all.
Oh, also I didn't initially get the joke about "Beni and the Jets" (although I should have, being something of an Elton John fan) because my first thought was that the gang wasn't named after "a stupid made-up word" but rather
You must be registered to see the links
(in the form of a gang name similar to, say,
You must be registered to see the links
).
Uh, in case this comes across as too negative, though, I should just add that I AM liking the game quite a bit. I just prefer to provide criticism rather than flattery.