Give me feedback on my game idea.

[AktivVerblueff]

Give me feedback on my game idea.

The protagonist has killed himself through destructive behavior. He wakes up without memories in an in-between world. He meets a girl who explains to him that this world is between the afterlife and the world. She can't tell him anything about the afterlife, but she makes it clear that he needs to get his memories back and figure out what is holding him to this world. He thinks this is all a bad joke. But he has no choice but to go along with it. The girl seems to be all-powerful and puts him in a video game. He has to solve different levels in different video games to get a memory at the end of each level. The levels are very silly, jokes about the porn industry and parodies of other adult games. He always meets the same people, who seem like soulless NPCs. All the characters, including the girl, are people he cares about. On the whole, the game is supposed to be fun. However, that is only until he sees the memories that tell him something about his cruel past. The topics include wrong upbringing, drug abuse, homelessness or mental problems. The memories are also not always in a comprehensible order. So the viewer must work with the player to figure out what happened. The game is not consistent, and the sequence is of course not simply to get all the memories back. Again and again things happen that don't make sense, he thinks that the girl is responsible, that she enjoys fucking him, but it becomes clear that she has nothing to do with it, what could be the cause?

The game should be a point-and-click adventure, but if it serves the joke, it can change. The style also depends on the level. Depending on what game is being parodied. Too often it's the classic "get the person around and do this for them".

 

[Meaning Less]

I remember watching this,

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.

But still sounds enjoyable for a game as well.

 

[OsamiWorks]

I like it for an early concept and hope you make it!

 

[zapzero]

Do you have a target demographic? Or is this a passion project where your personal tastes come first?
Depending on which, the answer you seek is different.

I see the structure of a relatively complex Nolan style story, where time and memory are malleable and changing. Which is good, since I can't recall it being executed in adult games, maybe Atlus's Catherine? Though that is a mainstream non-H title.


The story seems interesting and challenging enough.
Making the gameplay loop fun tho, that is where the real battle lies. (and why most H-games end up as yet another straight forward 3D VN)

 

[anne O'nymous]

The protagonist has killed himself through destructive behavior. He wakes up without memories in an in-between world. He meets a girl who explains to him that this world is between the afterlife and the world. She can't tell him anything about the afterlife, but she makes it clear that he needs to get his memories back and figure out what is holding him to this world. [...] He has to solve different levels in different video games to get a memory at the end of each level. [...]

In short, we will help the guy to live again all the trauma in his life. Interesting plot, but not really encouraging.

But the main problem I have regard the finality behind all this. And I don't talk about the game itself, but about the need to get back all his memories.
Why did the entity that serve as god in this universe want to torture him ? Because it's what the story is about ; a guy who died and then is tortured, forced to revive every moment of suffering that led to his slow suicide. This is called "hell", not "in-between world".
And if it's just because he need to remember everything before going to "heaven", then why erase his memory and torture him ? It make no sense ; "Hey guy, you deserve to go in 'heaven', but like 'god' is a sadistic psychopath, you'll be tortured first". It make even less sense if he deserve to go in "hell", because then he's tortured before living a eternity of tortures.


It would works better if the story was more on a

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style.
He is in the "in-between world" because he don't deserve to go in "hell", but can't either go in "heaven" until he made peace with his past. It's why his memory have been erased, and why they come back in an, apparently, random order. It's through the long process of getting back his memories, and putting them in the right order, that he's expected to make peace with his previous life.
What also mean that the said memories should not be limited to his trauma. Whatever how harsh have life been with him, there were also beauty in it. A beauty that he wasn't able to see when he was alive, but that he'll slowly uncover now, through the piece of memories depicting it.
It's what will help him to finally "rest in peace", because he'll discover that, after all, his life wasn't just a full failure.

 

[anne O'nymous]

He has lost his memorys nobody has stolen them. That's why he is stuck.

Then why have he lost his memory, and why does this mean that he is stuck ?

Can you tell me why you think your idea is better I don't See it right now.
I don't get why it's better to tell the player something about Hav&Hel if you just need to give him abreason to collect memorys.

I didn't say that my idea is better, by itself it was just an illustration. What I said is that it would be better to not start the story by a big plot hole, and that it would also be better to not purely focus the story on MC's torments. Whatever if they are lewd or not, games are supposed to be an entertainment, and looking someone life back his torments isn't this entertaining.
It's also as illustration that I used the concept of "hell" and "heaven", as well as the concept of "god". Reason why they are in quotation marks.

Something else if the game is actually about the afterlife but it not.

The whole story will take place after the life of the MC therefore, whatever you believe yourself, it's about the "afterlife". Or perhaps do you believe that hell and heaven are the only representation of what the "afterlife" can be ? In which case you are wrong.

Also I think it's a small thing.

The whole story being based on a plot hole is far to be a small thing, and you are the one who asked for feedback. But well, it's your story...

 

[OldMoonSong]

Hello! Seems pretty unique and interesting for an adult game but ibhave a few comments / questions.

The protagonist has killed himself through destructive behavior. He wakes up without memories in an in-between world.

Does the character know he killed himself? Does the player know? Or is it discovered by both player and character through playing the game? Personally I think it's best if my own knowledge if the plot is anchored to what the character knows, and I also don't like it when the character knows relevant info that is secretly / deliberately hidden from the player. If I know something the main character doesn't know, it's annoying to watch him flail around in the wrong direction. If the character (through the narrator) is hiding information from me, it's annoying to be arbitrarily drip-fed important details the character, who I'm shpposed to be playing as, already knows. Just things to keep in mind story-telling wise.

He meets a girl who explains to him that this world is between the afterlife and the world. She can't tell him anything about the afterlife, but she makes it clear that he needs to get his memories back and figure out what is holding him to this world.

Who/what is she? Why is she helping the MC? What is her incentive/objective? Why can't she explain the afterlife? Does she know what's holding MC back?

The memories are also not always in a comprehensible order. So the viewer must work with the player to figure out what happened.

I'm not necessarily opposed to non-linear story-telling but I think you should have a very good reason to justify NOT telling the story linearly. One big reason NOT to use non-linear is that we will lack required information and contextual knowledge for making decisions. This can make decision-making frustrating, as the player will feel unequipped and unprepared for important t decisions.

On your latest comment:

He need to know what happend to leave the world

Why is memory required to leave the world?

I think the main idea is interesting but the foundation of the fundamental setting and character motivations needs to be fleshed out further, answering those "why?"
questions

 

[MidnightArrow]

It sounds like typical anime Buddhist afterlife. Guy wakes up in bardo with magical waif, has to purge himself of bad memories, is reborn. Besides the ones already mentioned, sounds like Angel Beats too.

Problem is, most people's lives aren't that interesting.

Can you make it more exciting?

Can you make it about a James Bond type who thinks back at his life of sex and violence, but also has to find a clue in his memories to warn people about a nuclear bombing from beyond the grave or something?

 

[Meaning Less]

Then why have he lost his memory, and why does this mean that he is stuck ?

That's a very common plot narrative element.

Basically sometimes it is trauma related or something the protagonist is running away from subconsciously. Therefore he himself might have erased his own memories in order to erase his guilty, but maybe remembering them is important part of repenting and continuing his journey.

The whole story will take place after the life of the MC therefore, whatever you believe yourself, it's about the "afterlife". Or perhaps do you believe that hell and heaven are the only representation of what the "afterlife" can be ? In which case you are wrong.

You are basically taking this too literally and relating it to your religion.

But it could be anything it's not like you are in religious hell, but maybe another dimension? a dream? a simulation? there are infinite possibilities really and honestly the least explicit the story is the better.

And yes this is common in isekai, everytime a protagonist dies irl they show up in the fantasy world...

 

[Geralt_R]

Questions I would ask...

- why the memory loss? What triggered it?
- why video games in the purgatory (what you describe is basically purgatory)?
- also... if the game is supposed to be fun, or suggests it's fun or begins rather lighthearted or fun... I don't think too many people would appreciate a sharp left turn when things like drug abuse, mental problems or wrong upbringing are introduced? This is the antithesis to fun. And suicide isn't fun to begin with either.

A few suggestions...

- maybe the MC should be someone who wasted his life away playing video games, that would explain why he has to play video games in the purgatory, instead of making it something the mysterious figure just decides out of the blue, it should be a major part of his character and issues and not just something that he has do do "just because"
- must it really be suicide? Either the game is "fun", or it's serious. If it's serious, then things like suicide and the less than happy past are ok, if it's supposed to be more "fun", I would say it's very wrong to include these darker topics
- memory loss should be explained right away as part of a mechanism in the "purgatory" that is intended to help the MC fix his issues

if FUN

- maybe the MC was once more wasting away time playing games, his console stopped working, he tried to fix it, forgot to unplug it and was electrocuted, or if it should be a bit less silly maybe he simply got a heart attack because of weight issues and lack of exercise (he can still be looking fit in the purgatory, the body is more like a projection of what the MC would want to look like etc), and instead of having all these super terrible things in his life like homelessness and drug abuse the past could include things like being the unpopular kid in school, getting turned down by a crush in a mean way, maybe he was the target of some (not too crass) humiliation, which resulted in the MC becoming a classic shut-in who has zero friends, no social life and wastes away at home in his room. Add asshole parents if needed (maybe too clichéd), mental problems are also ok, but they should not be of the super serious super crippling variety like schizophrenia etc, more a result of all the negative events in the MC's youth, so depression for example, combined with anxiety, lack of self-confidence etc. serious, but not a complete mood killer if it's meant to be fun

if SERIOUS

- just don't pretend it's "fun" in the beginning. Suicide, homlessness, drug abuse, severe mental issues are NOT fun. Make it pretty obvious this is super serious from the get go. In MY opinion the whole video game concept however is better suited to the "fun" approach without any really dark things like suicide, homelessness etc. If it's supposed to be serious maybe a movie / tv series setting would be more appropriate, so the MC is transported into various movies etc. Movies as a framing device are more "serious" than video games. What happens in this dreamworld can basically be the same as with video games, only instead of completing levels, the MC has to complete scenes maybe, and there are a bazillion movies/series (including adult movies) to parody as well, more than games even.

 

[MidnightArrow]

That's how the Buddhists afterlife works, so it is typical because that's what they believe happens.

Point is you'd stand out better if you went with a unique plot over some bland ordinary dude looking back at a sad sack life. Even based on that one paragraph I can tell you I've seen this same character dozens of times in manga and anime.

 

[Meaning Less]

Point is you'd stand out better if you went with a unique plot over some bland ordinary dude looking back at a sad sack life.

Well technically unique plots don't exist, everything is inspired by something.

Honestly I agree that the story sounds like something I already watched more than once but doesn't mean OP can't make a good game out of it.

That's why the story itself is hardly enough to judge the final product, I can see this turning into something very generic and silly or something pretty good depending on every other element of the game and the overall direction things go.

 

[Deleted member 229118]

Give me feedback on my game idea.

The protagonist has killed himself through destructive behavior. He wakes up without memories in an in-between world. He meets a girl who explains to him that this world is between the afterlife and the world. She can't tell him anything about the afterlife, but she makes it clear that he needs to get his memories back and figure out what is holding him to this world. He thinks this is all a bad joke. But he has no choice but to go along with it. The girl seems to be all-powerful and puts him in a video game. He has to solve different levels in different video games to get a memory at the end of each level. The levels are very silly, jokes about the porn industry and parodies of other adult games. He always meets the same people, who seem like soulless NPCs. All the characters, including the girl, are people he cares about. On the whole, the game is supposed to be fun. However, that is only until he sees the memories that tell him something about his cruel past. The topics include wrong upbringing, drug abuse, homelessness or mental problems. The memories are also not always in a comprehensible order. So the viewer must work with the player to figure out what happened. The game is not consistent, and the sequence is of course not simply to get all the memories back. Again and again things happen that don't make sense, he thinks that the girl is responsible, that she enjoys fucking him, but it becomes clear that she has nothing to do with it, what could be the cause?

The game should be a point-and-click adventure, but if it serves the joke, it can change. The style also depends on the level. Depending on what game is being parodied. Too often it's the classic "get the person around and do this for them".

Honestly it sounds boring too me.

1: Memory loss is a very boring trope and shoud die out.
2: Same with outsider conviently helps you trope.
Both of these are just bad story tropes that are often used as poor excuees why x is happening.
Also afterlife(yes i know it technicly isnt but still) is one of 3 things you shoud never do.
It just create's a mess.

From what i read this is how i would react to the game:
Ugh an other jar jar ambrans wannbie.
Being told nothing and expect to just follow the random events isnt fun.

I wish you luck but i wouldnt even download suchs a game.
It screams: Bad design to me.

 

[MidnightArrow]

Well technically unique plots don't exist, everything is inspired by something.

Honestly I agree that the story sounds like something I already watched more than once but doesn't mean OP can't make a good game out of it.

That's why the story itself is hardly enough to judge the final product, I can see this turning into something very generic and silly or something pretty good depending on every other elements of the game and the overall direction things go.

I've never seen a story about James Bond going through Buddhist afterlife. Uniqueness can come from combining already-used elements in ways nobody else has.

But here I mean, something not so mundane. I don't find anything interesting in the description. You play an ordinary guy who slowly learns learns people in his ordinary life really did love him? Maybe players who enjoy slice of life stories can get something out of it, but even professional anime screenwriters can't make this type of plot interesting to me. A simple change like turning the plain boring everyman into a sleezey porn producer looking back at his fractured domestic life or something would make the description intriguing. But right now there's just a big void of personality in the shape of the main character.

That's just my feedback. OP doesn't have to accept it.

 

[Deleted member 229118]

Okay, funny because similar story are good rated, one even compaired it to Inception.

There are a lot of people out there with bad taste.

My mom always said: Turn brain off and just watch.

To me that is the problem.
If i have to turn my brain off to watch it, it is a bad story.
The new star wars, star trek and even halo serries have people watching it because lets be honest here.
Very few people accauly think.
As long there are pretty lights and explosions there satified.

 

[Meaning Less]

But here I mean, something not so mundane. I don't find anything interesting in the description. You play an ordinary guy who slowly learns learns people in his ordinary life really did love him?

I'm not sure why you are assuming it is something that mundane, who knows I can see this plotline fitting into any genre, from dark drama to a light comedy.

That's why I mentioned, there is just not enough for us to know what OP is fully thinking about with so little information, we are all filling the gaps with our own interpretations.

That's why I believe there is little to no point in asking feedback when you have so little to show, make a small demo of your game first and then show it. Only at that point that you will get some actual construtive feedback.

 

[anne O'nymous]

Something is holding him like always with in-between world. But He doesn't know what. And I it doesn't matter why he lost them.

Where did I say that it's the MC that have to know what and why ?
As author you must have the answer to these questions. They are the foundation of your story, and you can't keep it coherent if you don't know that part.

I don't see these problems, i don't try to ignore. What is the plot hole?

I said it. So far there's absolutely no reason for the MC do be there and to do that.
At the opposite, since what he need to do is life again most of his traumas, he have all the reasons to do anything but what is expected from him. Of course, since he don't have memories, he would comply at first. But after three/four memories, he would just stop. Better be stuck here than remembering what clearly looks like a living hell (and it's not something religious) ; especially since he have no clue why he should do this.

I don't want to Spam the audience with a concept of Afterlife right at the beginning as a explanation, If the Afterlife doesn't matter for my game. And the world he is in, is not the Afterlife to me.

Is it so difficult to understand that the "afterlife" is whatever happen after one's life ?
I don't ask you to spam the audience, I don't ask you to talk about religion, I just state an undeniable fact: Your story take place after the life of your hero, period.

If your solution is better I want to make sure why it is.

Are you seriously answering this to a message where I wrote that "I didn't say that my idea is better, by itself it was just an illustration" ?

He lost his mind for whatever reason. That is why he is stuck in the world. In order to go to the afterlife, he must know what he regrets.

You started by saying that "the protagonist has killed himself through destructive behavior"... Do you really believe that someone living this way will regret the life he left behind ?
And once again it doesn't works anyway. There's a reason why he lost his memory, and it's something that happen often enough for your "in-between" to exist.

You are basically taking this too literally and relating it to your religion.

And you are literally pushing a religion that isn't mine in my throw. Sorry, I'm not catholic, in fact I'm not even monotheist.

And yes this is common in isekai, everytime a protagonist dies irl they show up in the fantasy world...

A fantasy world that happen after is life.

It's funny to read you reproaching me to take this too literally, while what I wrote is explicitly that "afterlife" isn't necessarily about hell and heaven, and can be many different things.

 

[Meaning Less]

A fantasy world that happen after is life.

That's the thing, how do you know it is even literal afterlife? It could literally be a dream happening while he is still alive, or he was just transported somewhere. Maybe he isn't even dead in the first place, there are so many possibilities like I mentioned.

A premise is just that, doesn't mean you are getting the whole truth.

 

[anne O'nymous]

That's the thing, how do you know it is even literal afterlife?

I wonder, could it be because the very first words of the pitch are "the protagonist has killed himself through destructive behavior".

 

[anne O'nymous]

So you say that with your solution the protagonist has a reason to recover his memories, can you explain it to me.

In other words than the "[he can't advance] until he made peace with his past. It's why his memory have been erased, and why they come back in an, apparently, random order. It's through the long process of getting back his memories, and putting them in the right order, that he's expected to make peace with his previous life." I started with ?

Of course I could, but despite me having said it, then quoted it, you still haven't understood the difference between "example" and "solution", so, I pass.