Just a question about quality of translation

Berlner

New Member
Jun 25, 2017
14
18
So,

Since a while now, I carried the idea of creating a game, that would fit this side. While I cannot promise anything about genres or that my game wouldn't be abandoned ( I already trashed about 50 ideas for games, I thought at first would be genius). But before uploading my first steps in this direction, I would like to know, if at least my english ( not my native language) is good enough, at least that it is understandable. I "played" some machine translated games and I came to the conclusion that those are not really playable. Also, when it comes to immersion and ambience, little things matters. So, I thought to just give you a small text to judge. Basicly I already did that by now, but I hope that you could point out grammar errors and phrases that are not used this way in english. And yes, I would use renpy for this, should be visible from the formation of the text.

P.S.: I noticed that this side already marked some words, but I will let them this way, so you could get an impression on how I think a text is translated. Also, I have not really an idea how to make a spoiler, so sorry for this extended post.

Narrator: "You close the door behind you, hearing with relief, how the door slums shut. Immediately you go through your mental checklist."

Inner thoughts: "1. Safety: The frontdoor is closed, nobody will be able to open it from the outside without trouble. But the door seems only to be made out of compressed wood."

Inner thoughts: "But at least two inches compressed wood. That will buy me some time. Now the other exits or entrys."

Narrator: "You rush through the apartment. All the windows are equipped with heavy curtains. You close them asap. Only the window in the kitchen is without curtains."

Narrator: "You grab a dark blue tablecloth from the table and open carefully the window. You then put the tablecloth into the window frame and close the window."

Narrator: "You don't waste time looking at the city, you already saw it."

Narrator: "You put some of the dead potted plants on the buttom of the tablecloth at the window sill to fixate it."

Narrator: "Suddenly you hear scratching sounds from the frontdoor."

Inner thoughts: "Safety: check. More bad then good, but at least for the moment I'm alone in this apartment."

Inner thoughts: "2. Weapons: There was a floor lamp in the livingroom."

Narrator: "You sneak, as silent as possible, back into the livingroom, while the scratching at the frontdoor continues."

Narrator: "Then you unplugged the floor lamp and remove the lamp shade."

Inner thoughts: "Weapons: check. Mostlikely only for a few hits and only with enough space to swing the floor lamp, but still better then my bare fists."

Inner thoughts: "3. Battle Preparations: Nothing I can do for now. Every action would make noise, that could make the possibly fight into a definitely fight."

Inner thoughts: "Only thing I can do for now, is to choose the battlefield."

Narrator: "You position yourself quietly a few foot away from the livingroom door, that leads into the the corridor with the frontdoor."

Inner thoughts: "At least here is enough space and i could fall back into the bedroom, i think. If that room over there is not something like a spare room."

Inner thoughts: "And now, nothing to do then waiting..."

Narrator: "You wait and it seems like a eternity to you until the scratching stops. Suddenly you hear a loud scream."

Narrator: "The sounds from the staircase tells you, that chaos broke out. A few big noisy stamps and the scream ends into gurgling."

Narrator: "You hear another voice yelling something, but the exact words are going down in a clash of flesh and wood."

Inner thoughts: "Seems like a neighbour, or two, tried to look what this noise from the staircase was all about."

Inner thoughts: "Nothing I can do about now. Better only them, then them and myself."

Narrator: "You wait again. The sounds of breaking bones and smacks, coming from the staircase, are telling you, that this neighbours are gone."

Narrator: "But still, being forced to hear this is not easy and you notice that your grip on the floor lamp is getting loose, caused by your sweat."

Narrator: "After another eternity, the noise is ending."

Inner thoughts: "Now is the point. Will they leave or will they remember me and this apartment."

Narrator: "You dry your hands, one after the other, at your pants and arm yourself."

Narrator: "But for the third eternity, nothing happens. A brief glance at your watch shows you, that only 20 minutes have past since your flight."

Narrator: "Suddenly, you almost drop the lamp, you hear movement from the staircase."
Narrator: "But the sounds of... footsteps? are leaving. Or at least, it seems that those sounds goes down the staircase."
Inner thoughts: "4. Crisis managed: As long as no other immediate threat is visible, wait for 30 minutes to be safe."

Narrator:"And that is what you do."
 

Grubb

Member
Oct 8, 2017
287
722
Well, it' mostly understandable. English is my L2, so I can't claim my english to be native-quality. I can see mistakes here and there, but I think I understand most of it. I would, however, choose different terms. First thing I'd would be check if the text has subject-verb agreement. Some parts it doesn't seem like it does.

As for the terms employed: be careful when using the same term too many times. Like this whole "eternity" thing you have going on there. "But for the third eternity, nothing happens." <- That sounds weird to me. XD

I do believe some improvement is necessary before writing the script. Unless you can find someone to review the text with you before publication.
 

xcribr

Active Member
Game Developer
Nov 7, 2017
624
3,407
As a native English speaker, writer, and self confessed grammar geek, I'd say that there's a lot of room for improvement.

However, you're nowhere near as bad as some of the games I've seen. While I could nitpick every single grammar issue there, let me offer some general advice. Taking one line in particular:
Narrator: "You sneak, as silent as possible, back into the livingroom, while the scratching at the frontdoor continues."
Instead try:
Narrator: "As silently as you can, you sneak back into the living room while the scratching continues."
You don't need to continually mention the source of the scratching after it's already been identified. Trust your readers to read. Also, for a tense situation like this, fewer words usually adds to the sense that the protagonist is really trying to be quiet.

Writing is an art, and the biggest problem with translations is that a particular turn of phrase in one language may be considered poetic, but in another, becomes either excessive or even nonsensical. My recommendation is to get another writer on your team, one who has some writing experience in English, but also knows your language. Between the two of you, both versions of the game would rock.
 

Chingonerio

Member
Oct 1, 2017
401
467
Use a text editor with spell-check capabilities for English (United States or British, whichever you prefer) enabled and pay close attention to any words that it highlights to save yourself some time. One with a good dictionary should at least highlight "entrys" for you. Watch out for unnecessary commas.

The inner thoughts you've written seem mechanical, but I suppose that could be part of your protagonist's personality.
 

KaraShah

New Member
Aug 6, 2018
3
0
There are some oddities in your text, but I'll just presume that some words in translation was false-positives - like in this section
Narrator: "You close the door behind you, hearing with relief, how the door slums shut. Immediately you go through your mental checklist."
"slum(s)" is a grammatically correct word that means "ghetto". I presume you meant the act of abruptly closing the door - which would be "slam(s)".

Your overall structure looks too mechanistic to me, completely shattering any attempt at immersion. Questionable usage of specific words alters the text into something difficult to not glance over and ignore in favour of anything other - but, hey, tastes differ. All I can offer, really, it to rewrite your example as my example ;)
Also, I seem to be unable to not rewrite some - read "most" - parts of the text even if I try, so...
With this in mind and a pinch of salt, under the spoiler

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Berlner

New Member
Jun 25, 2017
14
18
Well, thanks so far. Seems like I have to look more into the actual use of words, not only their translation. Also, this English spell-check idea will be somewhat helpful. Now I just have to find out what "subject-verb agreement" is.