Looking for some honest critique on my script

[Conviction07]

Hey, guys! I'm currently in the middle of writing the script for a game I plan to make, and was wondering if there are any kind individuals out there who are willing to give it a read and tell me what they think. I'm asking this because I have some concerns, and was curious to see if they're mirrored by others. It's only a little more than half of what I plan to write for the initial release, but it's still quite lengthy, so I appreciate anyone willing to take the time on it. Thank you, and happy reading.

View attachment Untitled Project v1.pdf

 

[Canto Forte]

O.K. => clearly knocked off the start of dark phoenix ... doctor strange, autumn boulevard, gates, the opening, wolverine and countless others (crash plot devices -> some more intriguing than others)

 

[Canto Forte]

So oOOoo ... got through the bickering and the crash part ...

Spoiler: Meat and grits:

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[Canto Forte]

Mistake:
29. TESSA I'm just screwing around. Now go. I can hardly wait to see what she Selene picks to dress you in.

 

[I'm Not Thea Lundgren!]

Hey, guys! I'm currently in the middle of writing the script for a game I plan to make, and was wondering if there are any kind individuals out there who are willing to give it a read and tell me what they think. I'm asking this because I have some concerns, and was curious to see if they're mirrored by others. It's only a little more than half of what I plan to write for the initial release, but it's still quite lengthy, so I appreciate anyone willing to take the time on it. Thank you, and happy reading.

View attachment 372813

I thought it was pretty good, an excellent start to what looks like an interesting story.
There are a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but nothing major.
If you need help in the future with proofreading, let me know; I've done quite a lot.

 

[Conviction07]

I thought it was pretty good, an excellent start to what looks like an interesting story.
There are a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but nothing major.
If you need help in the future with proofreading, let me know; I've done quite a lot.

Thanks, I might just do that. Although it's just a first draft, so I'll definitely clean up any typos, grammatical issues, and wonky dialogue later on. I mainly wanted to know if it's engaging enough to keep someone interested, because I didn't plan any overtly sexual stuff until the very end, which I estimate to be after about an hour.

 

[I'm Not Thea Lundgren!]

Thanks, I might just do that. Although it's just a first draft, so I'll definitely clean up any typos, grammatical issues, and wonky dialogue later on. I mainly wanted to know if it's engaging enough to keep someone interested, because I didn't plan any overtly sexual stuff until the very end, which I estimate to be after about an hour.

The most important thing for me is the story; if the story is good and the writing is good, then I'll play it/read it/back it.
I thought it was engaging from the start and throughout, the premise and characters were believable, and I also thought it flowed well.

 

[megaplayboy10k]

Well, it's pretty dialogue heavy so far, it might be good to parcel it out more judiciously as the game progresses. 62 pages of single spaced dialogue script is at least 62 minutes worth of dialogue, possibly twice that much. In screenwriting, one page of screenplay = roughly one minute of screen time. Most screenplays run about 25-50% longer than the end product, as scenes get cut from the final film.

 

[RogueKnightUK]

So, the first thing of course that struck me is that Ethan is 36, but has a 19 yr old daughter. Given that pregnancy lasts 9.5 months, he pretty much got a girl pregnant at 14... Maybe 15 if he's about to have his 37th birthday. That in itself carries a lot of implications. It generally isn't the smarter kids that end up with underage pregnancies, so perhaps that's why he's so sure Selene won't have heard of any of his work as a writer - he's possibly not too bright. Unless there's some very solid and central reason to these specific ages, add a couple of years to the MC's age to increase the gap by at least 2 years. A 14 yr old baby-maker in a country where high-school ends at 18 is too big a deal otherwise to just be background.

Overall the writing is fair, with only a couple of small signs that English might not be your native tongue (or perhaps merely that your own origin is in a more slang-using social circle). Telling us that the wine 'costed' a lot was the clearest one. In English the wine would cost X amount, and after purchased it did cost that amount - no 'costed'. Don't think I have ever heard the word costed outside of business planning where they talk about "getting a project costed".

Honestly, I think your biggest challenge will be in pacing, which is always a challenge in any story with a mystery element. You have to bear in mind that a player/reader is often as familiar with the same sources that inspired you as you are. Also, they are aware that it is a story, and thus that it has a plot, etc. So as soon as that maid is trying to make Ethan leave, we've already worked out that these people are those whom 'pregnant girl in white dress' was fleeing from.

When Selene tells us that she has a brother, there's already a part of the reader's mind saying "Yeah, and if you invited us to a party with your husband and your brother, there's be only one guy there, right?". Pacing the story so that any 'reveals' are actually still revealing is one of the hardest things to do. Too slow and the story is frustrating, like when watching people do really stupid things in a horror movie. It's one reason that so many stories feature a particularly smart or experienced lead character, since that way anything revealed too soon is simply that the character is that smart as was ahead of you...

 

[Conviction07]

So, the first thing of course that struck me is that Ethan is 36, but has a 19 yr old daughter. Given that pregnancy lasts 9.5 months, he pretty much got a girl pregnant at 14... Maybe 15 if he's about to have his 37th birthday. That in itself carries a lot of implications. It generally isn't the smarter kids that end up with underage pregnancies, so perhaps that's why he's so sure Selene won't have heard of any of his work as a writer - he's possibly not too bright. Unless there's some very solid and central reason to these specific ages, add a couple of years to the MC's age to increase the gap by at least 2 years. A 14 yr old baby-maker in a country where high-school ends at 18 is too big a deal otherwise to just be background.

Overall the writing is fair, with only a couple of small signs that English might not be your native tongue (or perhaps merely that your own origin is in a more slang-using social circle). Telling us that the wine 'costed' a lot was the clearest one. In English the wine would cost X amount, and after purchased it did cost that amount - no 'costed'. Don't think I have ever heard the word costed outside of business planning where they talk about "getting a project costed".

Honestly, I think your biggest challenge will be in pacing, which is always a challenge in any story with a mystery element. You have to bear in mind that a player/reader is often as familiar with the same sources that inspired you as you are. Also, they are aware that it is a story, and thus that it has a plot, etc. So as soon as that maid is trying to make Ethan leave, we've already worked out that these people are those whom 'pregnant girl in white dress' was fleeing from.

When Selene tells us that she has a brother, there's already a part of the reader's mind saying "Yeah, and if you invited us to a party with your husband and your brother, there's be only one guy there, right?". Pacing the story so that any 'reveals' are actually still revealing is one of the hardest things to do. Too slow and the story is frustrating, like when watching people do really stupid things in a horror movie. It's one reason that so many stories feature a particularly smart or experienced lead character, since that way anything revealed too soon is simply that the character is that smart as was ahead of you...

Thanks for taking the time to read it. Yeah, the "costed" thing's quite embarrassing, especially since I am in fact a native English speaker. Although I'd like to think I'd have caught that on a re-read...
As far as the age thing goes, I'm not quite sure how your math works, because the difference between 19 and 36, is 17 years. And if we assume she recently turned that age, and he's soon to be 37, it's almost 18. But I might just make him 37, since it's not really a big deal anyway.

Speaking on the story itself, I'm not really trying to pull off any big reveals. Obviously, the protagonist would never assume that Selene's husband and brother were one and the same, or that the pregnant girl was somehow associated with them, but I'm fully aware that the player would. I'm not even sure if it could be possible to make those things a surprise? Regardless, the game isn't really supposed to be a mystery, but more of a suspense. So I intend for the protagonist to discover pretty quickly just how messed up the family they had the misfortune of crossing paths with, actually is.

 

[HopesGaming]

Can't say I read everything yet but so far it's really interesting.
Too critique some points;

Narration- I don't know if this is because it's a script or if it's going to be in the game as well but be careful of too much narration. In VN's it's better to show than tell. I rather see a storm then read that there is a howling wind going on. Too much narration and it stops people from really enjoying the renders. Same as you wouldn't want a narrator explaining the scenery at every scene in a movie. Subtlety works wonders with visual games aswell. It gives so much more to see a characters expression change instead of having it being told.

Profanity- nothing wrong with profanity and especially in dire situations and with some specific personalities, but too much profanity can make the script look amateurish.

But it is an interesting story and I look forward to the game.

 

[Conviction07]

Can't say I read everything yet but so far it's really interesting.
Too critique some points;

Narration- I don't know if this is because it's a script or if it's going to be in the game as well but be careful of too much narration. In VN's it's better to show than tell. I rather see a storm then read that there is a howling wind going on. Too much narration and it stops people from really enjoying the renders. Same as you wouldn't want a narrator explaining the scenery at every scene in a movie. Subtlety works wonders with visual games aswell. It gives so much more to see a characters expression change instead of having it being told.

Profanity- nothing wrong with profanity and especially in dire situations and with some specific personalities, but too much profanity can make the script look amateurish.

But it is an interesting story and I look forward to the game.

Too much narration was one of things I was worried about. So most likely I’ll cut down on it, and for the time being just keep it in as a reference when doing the art. And yeah, I agree about the cursing. I didn’t think I was overdoing it, but maybe I still did. Thanks.

 

[RogueKnightUK]

Too much narration was one of things I was worried about. So most likely I’ll cut down on it, and for the time being just keep it in as a reference when doing the art. And yeah, I agree about the cursing. I didn’t think I was overdoing it, but maybe I still did. Thanks.

I didn't really notice the cursing myself, apart from the line about the "cunty" backseat driver, and I was only thinking the same as was said in that instance.