HTML Molly's Legacy - I need feedback

[Sopra]

Hi there,

I always wanted to try to write some (porn) stories but I don't feel very confident in my writing skills or my english as a non-native speaker. I tried to put one of my idea of a story into existence through Twine and I would like to know what are your thoughts on it.

It's only a prologue and the first few passages of the first chapter, and it's mainly text-only, but it should be a decent read enough to get a feel of what I'm doing (I hope).

 

[Nagozo]

Hi!
I'm a bit late to this thread but I felt compelled to reply since I know it sucks to post your work and not get any feedback.

Here's my thoughts on your story:

The good:
I like the prologue. It immediately fleshes out Molly's character and gives us a feel for some of the relationships and experiences she has. The premise itself is also cool, Molly's ability gives you a bunch of creative ways to have her be influenced by other characters (as you've already explored in some scenes).
The presentation is simple, but for a story like this it doesn't need anything more.

The bad:
The writing makes it very clear that you're not a native speaker. I wish I could downplay this issue, but since you're creating a text-only (almost) game, your writing needs to be good (I have the same issue in my own project). Google is your friend when trying to use expressions you're not familiar with. Also, check out some of the common rules of how text is formatted, especially when it comes to writing dialogue.

General thoughts/opinions:
The cut to the alien invasion is pretty abrupt; one second we're in our normal lives, the next there's suddenly an insectoid in the kitchen. Consider smoothing the transitions between your scenes.
Right now it very much feels like reading a novel instead of playing a (CYOA) game. This can be a hard to stay focused on as a reader, especially when you're not familiar with the story yet. A tip that helped me was to chop up your larger scenes by putting some more ('forced') interactions in them, so that the player/reader feels a little more involved.

Good luck with the project!

 

[Rafster]

I'm also a non-native english speaker and I have that issue on my game. One tool you can use, is Grammarly. The free version can help you with grammar issues you may run.