1.00 star(s) 2 Votes

super_tramp

Newbie
Jul 19, 2017
29
125
HER way, damn. I'm european, not english speaker, but her, his and its are teached at primary school.
That entire sentence doesn't make sense but I think it is supposed to say:


Original: 'Will she be faithful or guide will have his way.'
My translation: 'Will she be faithful, or will the forest guide (forest ranger) have his way.'

I don't know if there is a forest ranger or a faithful wife, for that matter, in a NTR game. Since it has to do with camping, though, that is my best bet.
 

EvolutionKills

Well-Known Member
Jan 3, 2021
1,047
3,313
Welp...

There's little there, and what is there just isn't good. The writing is awful, both creatively and grammatically. I've seen better sentence structure coming out of Google's translators. Spelling, punctuation, formatting, and capitalization errors are so common it feels more like you are reading someone's personal text messages rather than an actual serious attempt at delivering a narrative. Damn near every sentence has some glaring obvious mistake; and often multiple problems exist in a single sentence.

Also, all of the images just look bad. There is no rhyme or reason to their placement. Images are often severely pixilated, are weirdly stretched, or otherwise have had their aspect ratio altered for seemingly no reason. When you get room service, the image for the server is cropped at the top and stretched to fit the whole screen, giving you an image of a person in a tux who is wider than they are tall.

Additionally it commits one of the cardinal sins of narrative right off the bat, when the introductory sentences are all just listing attributes of the main characters (age, occupation, life is perfect) in just about the most explicit 'tell, don't show' way possible. Plus, it's boring. The premise is the bog standard tired as hell 'oblivious moron with equally oblivious hot wife doesn't fuck her when she practically begs for it' setup.

Give me corruption. Give me blackmail. Give me coercion. But don't give me idiots. I'm tired of idiots.


EDIT:

Also, why are we getting third person narration when the game explicitly sets out with option for the husband's or the wife's narrative? You are taking on the role of the husband explicitly with that choice, so how come you keep seeing other character's thoughts? Everyone you encounter who has lewd thoughts about your wife, you as the reader get to see them. That's not how first person narration works.

If you're gonna make the audience privy to everyone's internal dialogue, why even have separate paths? The dev is completely missing the purpose of a limited perspective. The husband, and by extension the audience, shouldn't know that seemingly everyone him and his wife encounters are borderline sex-offenders, their thoughts filled with the unconstrained dirty things they want to do to the FMC. You could choose to do the story with a third person narrative, but then you'd just include the wife's internal thoughts and dialogue, in the same way as all of the other secondary characters already do...
 
Last edited:

Parjial

Newbie
Jun 13, 2020
39
68
Welp...

There's little there, and what is there just isn't good. The writing is awful, both creatively and grammatically. I've seen better sentence structure coming out of Google's translators. Spelling, punctuation, formatting, and capitalization errors are so common it feels more like you are reading someone's personal text messages rather than an actual serious attempt at delivering a narrative. Damn near every sentence has some glaring obvious mistake; and often multiple problems exist in a single sentence.

Also, all of the images just look bad. There is no rhyme or reason to their placement. Images are often severely pixilated, are weirdly stretched, or otherwise have had their aspect ratio altered for seemingly no reason. When you get room service, the image for the server is cropped at the top and stretched to fit the whole screen, giving you an image of a person in a tux who is wider than they are tall.

Additionally it commits one of the cardinal sins of narrative right off the bat, when the introductory sentences are all just listing attributes of the main characters (age, occupation, life is perfect) in just about the most explicit 'tell, don't show' way possible. Plus, it's boring. The premise is the bog standard tired as hell 'oblivious moron with equally oblivious hot wife doesn't fuck her when she practically begs for it' setup.

Give me corruption. Give me blackmail. Give me coercion. But don't give me idiots. I'm tired of idiots.


EDIT:

Also, why are we getting third person narration when the game explicitly sets out with option for the husband's or the wife's narrative? You are taking on the role of the husband explicitly with that choice, so how come you keep seeing other character's thoughts? Everyone you encounter who has lewd thoughts about your wife, you as the reader get to see them. That's not how first person narration works.

If you're gonna make the audience privy to everyone's internal dialogue, why even have separate paths? The dev is completely missing the purpose of a limited perspective. The husband, and by extension the audience, shouldn't know that seemingly everyone him and his wife encounters are borderline sex-offenders, their thoughts filled with the unconstrained dirty things they want to do to the FMC. You could choose to do the story with a third person narrative, but then you'd just include the wife's internal thoughts and dialogue, in the same way as all of the other secondary characters already do...
Yes I know that, I made it in like 2 hr just to see how people will react and now I will work on to make the story better. I don't know how to draw and stuff that's why I chose those images. I will definitely try to make a good game. It's just I have story but lack of assets like images are the main problem.
 

EvolutionKills

Well-Known Member
Jan 3, 2021
1,047
3,313
Yes I know that, I made it in like 2 hr just to see how people will react and now I will work on to make the story better. I don't know how to draw and stuff that's why I chose those images. I will definitely try to make a good game. It's just I have story but lack of assets like images are the main problem.
That's unfortunate, cause you only get to make a first impression once. The promise to eventually make a good game rings hollow, when you admittedly released a not-good demo on purpose. Also, it's not labeled as a demo, nor would the v0.5 designation indicate it being an initial release. Nor is there anything in the OP that this was a rushed test project. Plus if you were looking for constructive criticism about the game, you need to at least achieve a bare minimum level of competence, lest that lack of competence become the be-all-end-all of the discussion. How can we talk seriously about the characters or plot, when the basic sentence structure is an absolute train wreck?

As of right now, your fundamental problem is your lack of fundamentals.

Your main problem isn't the images. If you actually have a story worth telling, then the writing alone should be able to carry it. I've seen a few such projects, though they are admittedly rarer than ones with bad or borrowed assets. Good visuals with bad writing gets you regular porn; at that point why play your 'game' rather than just watch porn? If you're gonna make a visual-novel type porn game, your writing needs to be up to snuff; images are ultimately optional (and at the very least, shouldn't be distractingly bad).

On the plus side, things can only get better from here; cause I don't think they can get much worse.
 

Oliz82

Active Member
Mar 15, 2021
756
689
Hello.

The summary and samples made me come but I wasn't expecting it to be just a proof of concept.

The worldbuilding is enough for a first release.
The characters are few and could be described better.
The plot seems interesting and more or less original (adult games are rarely taking place in nature).
The photos/gifs are correct, though some aren't at the right size, even with bad quality, and appear blurred.

I don't know what to say about this game. We only have one choice (the protagonist and his point of view) and everything is delivered like a film/tv series episode/book, so it's pretty much kinetic.
You did the male mc route only, which is fine for a start, but there are many flaws in it : we should see only what he can see (we shouldn't see the wife taking a shower but himself on the phone; we shouldn't see the wife bathing when he goes pissing...), have his thoughts and not others (the wife's ones in the wife's route and the guide's ones, though interesting, shouldn't be known or just some hints from the narrator which is, by the way, too present); the narration, thoughts and dialogs should appear differently.
The english needs some work ("Husaband Prespective" at the start don't give a good feeling about what's after).
The husband and the guide (when he introduces himself, he should give it) needs at least a first name (many would like the option to name the husband and the wife too though I'm fine with the default choice).

Don't forget to give the right name to the game application (I thought it was the wrong file seeing "first" for the folder and application).

For now, it's too all over the place to assess this game.

Also, it needs some explanations :
what is you want to happen? Cheating (the wife or the husband do it behind), sharing (they join the other when they see him having sex), swinging (exchange of partner), NTR (one is cucked in front of the other and is left outside and most of the time suffering), free fuck (everybody fucks everybody), something else?
The faithfulness works how? The wife/husband resist, the other can prevent it from happening, someone else passing by helping?
Also, bi/gay/lesbian planned (for example, the guide going after the husband too or the husband chasing the guide to divert his attention from his wife; the wife going after the girls we could meet)? Well, I ask that because, if the male MC do nothing sexual and the wife is having fun on her end, in the male protagonist route, there won't be many sexy scenes (here, you already prevent anything from happening in the shower to make a phone call). You can also make a mix (sometimes the husband, sometimes the wife though it's not well appreciated).

Well, those are just my thoughts, hoping to help you even a little.

Good continuation.
 

rb88

Member
Sep 21, 2018
416
149
That entire sentence doesn't make sense but I think it is supposed to say:


Original: 'Will she be faithful or guide will have his way.'
My translation: 'Will she be faithful, or will the forest guide (forest ranger) have his way.'

I don't know if there is a forest ranger or a faithful wife, for that matter, in a NTR game. Since it has to do with camping, though, that is my best bet.
Sorry. LOL When I think of something some times doesn't want comes out way I want to say it. I have sever ADHD that Why Spelling long words or how say certain is Hard for me.
 

kollsson

New Member
Nov 13, 2022
2
4
Hope you continue with this, look very promising. Love when the wife is very naive, which other men try to take advantage off much to the husbands horror.
 
1.00 star(s) 2 Votes