Opinions on First VN so far

[ltech]

Hello

I have started working on my first VN.
Please note that this is not a release therefore there is not much content, So far I have only introduced the first character, there are no sex scenes yet.

I need to tweak some of the renders(Eyes, Lighting, Poses). I also need to make improvements to the dialogue and writing.

I am wanting some feedback, good or bad as I beleive it will help me going forward. Just keep in mind this is my first VN so I still have alot to learn about Daz3d and writing.
For rendering I am trying to balance render times and quality. I am using a GTX 780 so I am sometimes going to have to make sacrifices.

The Plot:
You are a single 34 year old system admin at a technology company called OpenCode. Struggling to pay the mortgage on your own, you take in 2 new flatmates; Sera and her daughter Jessica. You do not have many friends other than Emma who is one of your co-workers at OpenCode.

PC/Linux

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Mac

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Thanks.
Regards, ltech.

 

[Papa Ernie]

@ltech
I like the premise, I'll check it out. Good luck with your game.

 

[Boogie]

Tried it, not a bad intro. The grammar needed a little bit of editing but it was ok for the most part.

I suggest that you post some of your renders in the following thread:

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There are some really helpful people that follow that thread and they can give you pointers on how to improve your renders.

From the little bit of story you have so far, the only jarring moment was when the big dude shows up out of nowhere. I suggest that you add one scene just before it with him in the background approaching you. Other than that, just keep plugging along.

 

[ltech]

Tried it, not a bad intro. The grammar needed a little bit of editing but it was ok for the most part.

I suggest that you post some of your renders in the following thread:

You must be registered to see the links

There are some really helpful people that follow that thread and they can give you pointers on how to improve your renders.

From the little bit of story you have so far, the only jarring moment was when the big dude shows up out of nowhere. I suggest that you add one scene just before it with him in the background approaching you. Other than that, just keep plugging along.

That is a good idea, he does kind of pop up out of no where hehe.

 

[Papa Ernie]

@ltech
Here's some feedback:

Images - Decent, especially for your first attempts.

• Like you already mentioned, the lighting could be better.

Interface - Standard Ren'Py.

• My only suggestion is that you make the mc's dialogue name a different color from the other characters.
  
• Also, perhaps italicize the text for internal dialogue.

Writing - Pretty good overall. Well paced and natural. I assume there will be more world building and information concerning the mc in future builds.

• I suggest using a source code editor with a spell check to avoid obvious typos (ex. Notepad++).
  
• Try to use more contractions. They sound more natural.
  
• Remember, don't use a comma if the sentence has two full ideas. Use two sentences or a conjunction (and,but,or,nor,etc).
• EXAMPLE: Original "She is a work colleague, I do not want things to become awkward."
• Edit "She's a work colleague (co-worker). I don't want things to become awkward."
• Edit Alt "She's a co-worker and I don't want things to become awkward."

Overall, pretty decent. Keep improving your skills and I think you'll make a fine game. Good luck!

 

[thecardinal]

Not bad for a demo. Work on your lighting and textures, put a few more scenes in and you got a decent 0.1 game

 

[Jai Ho]

I think you did a great job capturing how shy the main character is. It is a refreshing change from most games and something that could set your game apart. I agree with other posting above, especially the spellcheck. 'I trespassed him' maybe means 'I got a restraining order against him' ? Or maybe just 'He knows he's not allowed to come in here any more'.

 

[ltech]

@ltech
Here's some feedback:

Images - Decent, especially for your first attempts.

• Like you already mentioned, the lighting could be better.

Interface - Standard Ren'Py.

• My only suggestion is that you make the mc's dialogue name a different color from the other characters.
  
• Also, perhaps italicize the text for internal dialogue.

Writing - Pretty good overall. Well paced and natural. I assume there will be more world building and information concerning the mc in future builds.

• I suggest using a source code editor with a spell check to avoid obvious typos (ex. Notepad++).
  
• Try to use more contractions. They sound more natural.
  
• Remember, don't use a comma if the sentence has two full ideas. Use two sentences or a conjunction (and,but,or,nor,etc).
• EXAMPLE: Original "She is a work colleague, I do not want things to become awkward."
• Edit "She's a work colleague (co-worker). I don't want things to become awkward."
• Edit Alt "She's a co-worker and I don't want things to become awkward."

Overall, pretty decent. Keep improving your skills and I think you'll make a fine game. Good luck!

Thanks, those are some great ideas. I do have a bad habit of using too many comma's.

I will take this information on board going forward.

 

[ltech]

I think you did a great job capturing how shy the main character is. It is a refreshing change from most games and something that could set your game apart. I agree with other posting above, especially the spellcheck. 'I trespassed him' maybe means 'I got a restraining order against him' ? Or maybe just 'He knows he's not allowed to come in here any more'.

Cheers, I am glad that came across as it was one of my goals for the MC not to be over-confident. I will have to get a spelling and grammar plugin for my text editor.

 

[Chatterbox]

Not bad. I'm working on my own VN. Keep going and your renders will get better. You're father along in development than me.

 

[ltech]

Here is a render of the 2 flatmates. For those of you in the US a flatmate is a boarder/room mate.

 

[Boogie]

Very Nice!

Looks like you have also figured out the lighting as well.

 

[GuyFreely]

Here is a render of the 2 flatmates. For those of you in the US a flatmate is a boarder/room mate.

So, you've lit the characters decently, but the room is dark by comparison. Also, it looks weird to have the only light coming at seemingly table level. I think if you put a nice overhead light to cover the rest of the scene it will look a bit better. You might even be able to dial down the current light after adding another.

 

[ltech]

So, you've lit the characters decently, but the room is dark by comparison. Also, it looks weird to have the only light coming at seemingly table level. I think if you put a nice overhead light to cover the rest of the scene it will look a bit better. You might even be able to dial down the current light after adding another.

Thanks that's some good feedback but what about night scenes? We want to be able to see the characters but at the same time we do not want to eliminate shadows? What is the best way to achieve a night scene while not slowing down renders?

 

[GuyFreely]

Thanks that's some good feedback but what about night scenes? We want to be able to see the characters but at the same time we do not want to eliminate shadows? What is the best way to achieve a night scene while not slowing down renders?

Oh boy, night scenes are a bit of a bitch. I'm struggling with this myself on a current project (I'm going to write way less night scenes in the future). So far, here are some things I'm doing. Light the scene brighter than true night time in Daz then darken the scene later in a photo editor. Adjust the "crush black" render setting, this can help with things being super dark. Classic movie trick of blue lighting to simulate night. If at all possible, throw in a light source. Maybe there's a romantic candle. Maybe the moon is especially bright tonight. But yes, Daz doesn't like it when it's dark.

 

[ltech]

Oh boy, night scenes are a bit of a bitch. I'm struggling with this myself on a current project (I'm going to write way less night scenes in the future). So far, here are some things I'm doing. Light the scene brighter than true night time in Daz then darken the scene later in a photo editor. Adjust the "crush black" render setting, this can help with things being super dark. Classic movie trick of blue lighting to simulate night. If at all possible, throw in a light source. Maybe there's a romantic candle. Maybe the moon is especially bright tonight. But yes, Daz doesn't like it when it's dark.

Thanks, I will give darktable and gimp a go for that.

 

[ltech]

Oh boy, night scenes are a bit of a bitch. I'm struggling with this myself on a current project (I'm going to write way less night scenes in the future). So far, here are some things I'm doing. Light the scene brighter than true night time in Daz then darken the scene later in a photo editor. Adjust the "crush black" render setting, this can help with things being super dark. Classic movie trick of blue lighting to simulate night. If at all possible, throw in a light source. Maybe there's a romantic candle. Maybe the moon is especially bright tonight. But yes, Daz doesn't like it when it's dark.

What type of lights to you recommend for the walls? I do not want to completely get rid of the shadows.

 

[GuyFreely]

What type of lights to you recommend for the walls? I do not want to completely get rid of the shadows.

It might help to discuss what effect you want to create. Scene is called breakfast, I see breakfast foods. The angle of the light is pretty low. Is this supposed to be first light/sunrise? If so, I'd make the light yellow borderline orange and maybe even slightly less bright. If it's coming through a window, having the window cast a shadow would really sell it. It took me a bit to find a reference, but I think this works.

Of course I'm making a lot of assumptions. So feel free to tell me.

 

[GuyFreely]

Okay, here's kind of what I'm saying. Excuse the potato quality, I wanted to make the examples fast and didn't let them finish. Now I should state that I cheated. I used a prebuilt room and an HDRI sky dome. You can achieve similar effects with a distant light or a spotlight.

 

[ltech]

Okay, here's kind of what I'm saying. Excuse the potato quality, I wanted to make the examples fast and didn't let them finish. Now I should state that I cheated. I used a prebuilt room and an HDRI sky dome. You can achieve similar effects with a distant light or a spotlight.

View attachment 108504 View attachment 108505

Thanks, I did a quick test render. I added a spot light pointing to the wall and created some primitives to make it look like there was blinds, added another spot light outside window.