Rate My Overview

[SatinAndIvory]

Damn, this is probably the dumbest idea I've had... But hey, games on here have an overview section where the games will sorta pitch their premise to you / tell you what it's about. Seeing as the overview, along with the preview images and the tags, all constitute the first impressions a potential player has towards a new game, I'd like to show my overview and, if possible, have you give feedback on it.

To help keep things structured and give you a direction of the feedback I'm looking for, you can give feedback on the points below:

1. Readability (1-5) - 1 being unclear and hard to understand grammar-wise and/or with poorly constructed sentences. 5 being easy to read and understand.
2. Interest (1-5) - 1 being the premise is boring, while 5 being the premise is highly interesting and makes you want to play. If the story isn't your cup of tea, just do Not Applicable.
3. Conciseness (1-5) - 1 being the overview is way too long, verbose, or convoluted, while 5 being the overview is directly to the point without leaving details out.

Any other feedback you have is appreciated as well.

Spoiler: Overview

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[Evizzy89]

Damn, this is probably the dumbest idea I've had... But hey, games on here have an overview section where the games will sorta pitch their premise to you / tell you what it's about. Seeing as the overview, along with the preview images and the tags, all constitute the first impressions a potential player has towards a new game, I'd like to show my overview and, if possible, have you give feedback on it.

To help keep things structured and give you a direction of the feedback I'm looking for, you can give feedback on the points below:

1. Readability (1-5) - 1 being unclear and hard to understand grammar-wise and/or with poorly constructed sentences. 5 being easy to read and understand.
2. Interest (1-5) - 1 being the premise is boring, while 5 being the premise is highly interesting and makes you want to play. If the story isn't your cup of tea, just do Not Applicable.
3. Conciseness (1-5) - 1 being the overview is way too long, verbose, or convoluted, while 5 being the overview is directly to the point without leaving details out.

Any other feedback you have is appreciated as well.

Spoiler: Overview

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1. 4*
2. Not Applicable
3. 1*


Language is fine, and I can understand that this isnt my type of game, but the description is too long and off putting my personal preferences is straight to the point

Spoiler: Example

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of course I would tidy it up a bit but honestly when I saw the overview I pretty much forced myself to read it for the sake of your post <_< you can elaborate more on the personalities rather than the situations

your sister hates you? cool maybe shes a sadist I like femdom
your mother is hot? okay milf, and your a simp for her neat
hot girl next door and you have a crush on her? cool

I am dumb, simplify things in a way my dick understands <_<

 

[desmosome]

Is NTR avoidable?

 

[fitgirlbestgirl]

It's well written, which is good, because it compares favorably to other games with barely coherent Engrish trying to tell you what the game is about and it implies your general writing quality is above average.

But it's kind of... too well written. Like, it makes me feel marketed to in a creepy way. It's trying too hard to be enticing and funny instead of simply conveying information. I'd trim it down to half the length and lose some of the fluff.

 

[Wankyudo]

It's well written, which is good, because it compares favorably to other games with barely coherent Engrish trying to tell you what the game is about and it implies your general writing quality is above average.

But it's kind of... too well written. Like, it makes me feel marketed to in a creepy way. It's trying too hard to be enticing and funny instead of simply conveying information. I'd trim it down to half the length and lose some of the fluff.

Pretty much this in a nut shell. The only thing it's missing is a "Tune in next time on Dragon Ball Z!"

The problem is you're trying too hard in the wrong areas. You give people an idea of what kind of person you are through about mes and your general interactions with the community, and even through the content within the game itself. When it comes to overviews, you have to market it towards one of two groups.

Group one is the monkey-minded dick in hand people who are going "OOOoo....ooo? Tits?" That group just wants to know if the game is something that is aimed towards their particular fetish. They ain't got time for all the funny funnies and ha-has.

The other group is the story-focused or gameplay focused people. Those people, they'll be glad to see the literacy in your overview but the problem is they're also going to go "...Am I going to have to deal with jokes like these the entire story of the game?"

To go off of your metrics,
3: You have some sentence fragments in your overview, some cases of "Doing too much," etc. You know William Shatner's fragmented way of talking? "The fiddler. On the roof. He waits. For the cats to stop yowling." Yeah. Read your overview in that voice. It sounds way too natural that way, which isn't necessarily a good thing.
"Your older sister, who hates your guts, has, to your shock and dismay, chosen to adopt you as part of her sorority’s adopt-a-freshman program." is a good example.
Not Applicable
1.

Basically, you said it yourself. "games on here have an overview section where the games will sorta pitch their premise to you / tell you what it's about. " The overview is for the game to tell players about itself. Games don't know shakespeare. They can't recite Hamlet or "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo."

 

[anne O'nymous]

Damn, this is probably the dumbest idea I've had... But hey, games on here have an overview section where the games will sorta pitch their premise to you / tell you what it's about. Seeing as the overview, along with the preview images and the tags, all constitute the first impressions a potential player has towards a new game, I'd like to show my overview and, if possible, have you give feedback on it.

To help keep things structured and give you a direction of the feedback I'm looking for, you can give feedback on the points below:

1. Readability (1-5) - 1 being unclear and hard to understand grammar-wise and/or with poorly constructed sentences. 5 being easy to read and understand.
2. Interest (1-5) - 1 being the premise is boring, while 5 being the premise is highly interesting and makes you want to play. If the story isn't your cup of tea, just do Not Applicable.
3. Conciseness (1-5) - 1 being the overview is way too long, verbose, or convoluted, while 5 being the overview is directly to the point without leaving details out.

Any other feedback you have is appreciated as well.

Readability: 5
Interest: 0
Conciseness: 0

You are way too verbose, mostly telling things that have nothing to do here. It's supposed to be the overview of your game, and you are writing its whole background.


Here's how I read it:

"New school, new you. So they say."
We don't know the old MC, so we don't care if it decided to change or not. Unless the story will depict him fighting against his old behavior and trying hard to be someone new, this is totally useless. But the second sentence clearly say that it's not what will happen.

"As much as you want to clam up and spend the rest of your days jerking to porn and coasting through college, fate has other plans for you."
A strange way to say that MC will not be able to be the lazy looser he want to be.

"Your older sister, who hates your guts, has, to your shock and dismay, chosen to adopt you as part of her sorority’s adopt-a-freshman program. You’ll be working together… A lot. Doing whatever the hell sorority girls do these days."
Yeah, this can be relevant.

"Have I mentioned that she hates your guts?"
Yes you have, and saying it twice will just make me stop here and pass to another game.
Your sister will be you designated official bully at school and she really hate you, well, there's not many things that hide behind this. Either she'll be a bitch that will interfere with everything you try to do, or it's a game that confuse man hating and femDom. In both case it's not for me.

"That’s not all; You’re taking Psychology 101. With your mom.. The hottest professor in school…"
This, yes, it's relevant.

"Half of her students say it’s an easy A, the other half can’t focus long enough to check."
You already said it, she's the hottest professor in school.

"It looks like you’ll be in the latter half. Being your mother’s white knight is a tiring job after all, plenty of lecherous stares and preposterous dark rumors to swat away. Whatever the rumors are, they're just rumors, right?"
Totally useless. If the mother is the hottest professor and it's an incest game, well, we know what to expect.

"You won’t be alone though. You’ll have your fellow freshman, the gorgeous girl-next-door and forever-best-friend-and-nothing-else, to help you along the way. Maybe you can get her to help you chase tail if you’ll ever stop chasing hers. And also, there's some dude named Frank."
By chance the 18yo virgin MC you are will not be alone. The girl that haunt all his night long fap session will be here too, as well as another loser like you. Would this scooby gang achieve something ?

"It won’t be an easy journey. There’ll be lots of blood, sweat, and tears. Napkins, towels, or socks, whatever your weapon of choice, bring plenty of it. For your tears, of course."
And it will be a confusing story that don't really know where it goes.


And here's how it could be wrote to be more alluring:

"It finally happen, this year is your first one in College. Your promise will come true, less jacking off, more acting. Frank and your childhood crush will also attend this school, two sidekick to help you on this journey. Cherry on the cake, Psychology being your main course, your teacher will be the hottest one on the campus, your mom. You'll surely have to keep many students away from her but, who know, being a white knight will perhaps be rewarding.

At least this were your thoughts until the news came, abruptly, crush all your dreams, your sister's sorority have an 'adopt-a-freshman' program, and she choose you ! Last years where the best of your life because she wasn't there, and now it seem that 'Queen bitch', as you call her, but only in your mind, is back again..."

 

[Deleted member 440241]

Your older sister, who hates your guts, has, to your shock and dismay, chosen to adopt you as part of her sorority’s adopt-a-freshman program.

This sentence is a mess. Cut it down to just the needed information about her adopting you as a freshman. We shouldn't need to be told she hates the MC, we should see it in her actions. Second, this whole "adopt-a-freshman" plot point feels horribly contrived even in the overview. Why is a sorority adopting male freshmen to do "sorority things"? This isn't an interesting question that draws people into the story. It's just a red flag that the game is loaded with nonsense excuses to force the MC and his LIs together.

You’re taking Psychology 101. With your mom.. The hottest professor in school… Half of her students say it’s an easy A, the other half can’t focus long enough to check.

It's a porn game, obviously she's hot. Focus on the awkwardness of getting stuck in his mother's class. Not in a "everyone calls my mom a MILF" way, but in a "she's going to constantly call on me and everyone thinks I have it easy" situation.

girl-next-door and forever-best-friend-and-nothing-else

Way too wordy. Just call her the MCs childhood friend and move on. If you're setting up an NTR plot with this then it's not needed because people will see the tags when you make a thread for the game. For sites without tags you should include a list of pairings and fetishes with your overview.

Overall your summary gives me the impression that this is just a quick fap game. There's a heavy reliance on tropes, not much plot set up, and 2 of the 3 female characters brought up are described as hot. I also get the impression there's going to be a lot of femdom, NTR, and maybe sissification in the game. If that's not an accurate impression you've got some major rewrites to work on. If it is accurate you might get more help at

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since that describes about 90% of the games there.

 

[Doorknob22]

It's very good, but could use some trimming. A bit too long. Good luck!

 

[trex999999]

I don't really disagree with the critiques other people have given you so far, but I would also stress that just having an idea like this and putting it out there for feedback puts you ahead of a good 50% of devs.

The overview is perfectly readable, so:
5/5
The interest isn't that relevant - I don't know the tags. Reading the subtext makes me say mother NTR, so for me it's:
1/5

It's concise enough. I think perhaps you are putting too much weight on the overview, most people don't read them in the first place. The game's tags and preview pictures are far more important I think. Some people have said that your overview style is grating, but I think it's down to people's preference. I'm sure some people would enjoy that kind of writing style.

 

[fitgirlbestgirl]

I think perhaps you are putting too much weight on the overview, most people don't read them in the first place. The game's tags and preview pictures are far more important I think.

I don't play games with badly written overviews, but then again, I'm a huge weirdo.

 

[trex999999]

I don't play games with badly written overviews, but then again, I'm a huge weirdo.

I think we are all a bunch of weirdos, but I would guess that the bulk of the thousands and thousands of people playing VNs - most see booba on the banner picture and proceed straight to the download. Me being an intellectual; I see booba, then check tags, then download . It seems at least half aren't english speakers anyway, too.

I could just be projecting as its more based on my experience with trying to get people in the general public to read just about anything, even vital instructions.

 

[Jaike]

5, * (unless you can surprise me with the tags), 2. Not much feedback to add to what others said. Except that I'm tired of the bitchy older sister trope, at least if it's done straight.

e - One thing, I don't think the overview is way too long, but I'd appreciate a short tldr summary at the beginning with a longer overview. Like something that succinctly communicates "male MC college setting incest" and then I skip.

Is NTR avoidable?

I don't think the overview mentioned the dad's perspective.

It's well written, which is good, because it compares favorably to other games with barely coherent Engrish trying to tell you what the game is about and it implies your general writing quality is above average.

But it's kind of... too well written. Like, it makes me feel marketed to in a creepy way. It's trying too hard to be enticing and funny instead of simply conveying information. I'd trim it down to half the length and lose some of the fluff.

Have to say, "satin" is well chosen for a silver-tongued dev(il) who puts out glossy overviews like that.

"Have I mentioned that she hates your guts?"
Yes you have, and saying it twice will just make me stop here and pass to another game.
Your sister will be you designated official bully at school and she really hate you, well, there's not many things that hide behind this. Either she'll be a bitch that will interfere with everything you try to do, or it's a game that confuse man hating and femDom. In both case it's not for me.

Or you can get her

You must be registered to see the links

, truly fitting an older sister?

 

[desmosome]

I don't play games with badly written overviews, but then again, I'm a huge weirdo.

Na, that's the ideal way to filter out Engrish garbage.

 

[fitgirlbestgirl]

Na, that's the ideal way to filter out Engrish garbage.

It is, but it definitely seems to be a minority concern. Most people either don't read and just look at screenshots and tags and then get disappointed by the shit writing in-game or they don't care about shit writing in the first place because they just want to see pretty pictures.

 

[desmosome]

I don't think the overview mentioned the dad's perspective.

I'm something of an NTR guru, and let me tell ya. You don't need a romantic relationship to get NTRed (different from cuckolded).

I'm definitely not talking about absurd stuff like...
"REEEE MC's mom and dad who are in a healthy relationship are having sex!"
or
"Damn this potential LI who doesn't know the MC exists has been shown to have sex."

But an intentionally crafted NTR story revolving around the mother or childhood friend is a staple of Japanese NTR.
"Damn... my mom who was so responsible and gentle got gangbanged by all my classmates and abandoned our family to go live as a cumdump. That's really fucked up and sad."
or
"My loving mom got corrupted by my bully and is now some gyaru bitch who does whatever he says!"

And when I look at this overview, I definitely see it as a set up for NTR/femdom/MC humiliation. If it's not, there is some serious issues with the subtext.

 

[fitgirlbestgirl]

And when I look at this overview, I definitely see it as a set up for NTR/femdom/MC humiliation. If it's not, there is some serious issues with the subtext.

I didn't actually read it that way at first, but yeah, you definitely could.

As much as you want to clam up and spend the rest of your days jerking to porn and coasting through college

MC is a beta virgin loser.

Your older sister, who hates your guts, has, to your shock and dismay, chosen to adopt you as part of her sorority’s adopt-a-freshman program. You’ll be working together… A lot. Doing whatever the hell sorority girls do these days.

Older sister is going to femdom the shit out of you and maybe make you watch her fuck your bully.

Being your mother’s white knight is a tiring job after all, plenty of lecherous stares and preposterous dark rumors to swat away. Whatever the rumors are, they're just rumors, right?

Rumors, eh? So mom is a huge slutbag and gets passed around by the students. And you're her "white knight" aka cuck.

You’ll have your fellow freshman, the gorgeous girl-next-door and forever-best-friend-and-nothing-else, to help you along the way. Maybe you can get her to help you chase tail if you’ll ever stop chasing hers. And also, there's some dude named Frank.

And nothing else. So, she's never going to fuck you, but maybe she'll fuck Frank (?).

It won’t be an easy journey. There’ll be lots of blood, sweat, and tears. Napkins, towels, or socks, whatever your weapon of choice, bring plenty of it. For your tears, of course.

Tears because you get cucked so hard.

 

[desmosome]

I didn't actually read it that way at first, but yeah, you definitely could.



MC is a beta virgin loser.



Older sister is going to femdom the shit out of you and maybe make you watch her fuck your bully.



Rumors, eh? So mom is a huge slutbag and gets passed around by the students. And you're her "white knight" aka cuck.



And nothing else. So, she's never going to fuck you, but maybe she'll fuck Frank (?).



Tears because you get cucked so hard.

My read was that it's either a full on MC humiliation game or at least have a significant "beta" path. To be fair, it could also be one of those "start at the absolute bottom and rise up" situations, but the innuendos seemed pretty deliberate to me.

 

[danarchist_lewd]

Is this your pitch for the game before the player downloads it? If so, it's far too long. Knock it down to two paragraphs. One paragraph for story and one paragraph for gameplay. You've got the tone right though, keep that best you can.

If this is meant to be in game before the game begins, get rid of it. You're better off showing the player rather than telling them. eg. why tell the player that their mom is the teacher when you can have the player show up to the class and have some interaction with the teacher that makes it clear they're MC's mom.

In terms of interest... Honestly it's pretty generic. Like, paint-by-numbers incest playbook. If you have good presentation (art, writing, etc.) that'll be fine, but... yeah I wouldn't seek this out just based on the description.

 

[Nutluck]

Damn, this is probably the dumbest idea I've had... But hey, games on here have an overview section where the games will sorta pitch their premise to you / tell you what it's about. Seeing as the overview, along with the preview images and the tags, all constitute the first impressions a potential player has towards a new game, I'd like to show my overview and, if possible, have you give feedback on it.

To help keep things structured and give you a direction of the feedback I'm looking for, you can give feedback on the points below:

1. Readability (1-5) - 1 being unclear and hard to understand grammar-wise and/or with poorly constructed sentences. 5 being easy to read and understand.
2. Interest (1-5) - 1 being the premise is boring, while 5 being the premise is highly interesting and makes you want to play. If the story isn't your cup of tea, just do Not Applicable.
3. Conciseness (1-5) - 1 being the overview is way too long, verbose, or convoluted, while 5 being the overview is directly to the point without leaving details out.

Any other feedback you have is appreciated as well.

Spoiler: Overview

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Need work. Just a few things you didn't answer that is pretty important IMHO.
1) Are you playing as a male or female? I assume male but it is not very clear
2) Why does your sister hate you? I mean there needs to be at least some reasons for it
3) Why could you not focus while taking your moms class? Does the MC have a sexual thing for their mom?
4) What is the core of the story? I mean what is it you are suppose to be doing? Is it just a life sim? is it a sissy story? femdom story? harem story? What will the game be about?

 

[whizwart]

Readability:3. Some of your sentence structure is a little tortured. For example: "Your older sister, who hates your guts, has, to your shock and dismay, chosen to adopt you as part of her sorority’s adopt-a-freshman program." It's easy to understand, but not necessarily to read.

Interest: 4. It's college....again, but the whole sorority thing and mom's your prof give it enough of a twist that I'd play it. Especially if the mechanics are fun.

Conciseness: 2. Ok, this is really where it kinda falls off. I totally get you're wanting to put some flair into the summary, but it makes it a bear to read. I kinda want to stop reading in the middle of the second paragraph. Keep in mind you don't have to do a DVD/Netflix level summary, and it's doesn't have to be boring. My counter description would be

"You got into college, and honestly, you'd be fine studying and jerking off for the next four years. But fate has other ideas. Your sexy mom is your professor, your best gal pal is out to set you up with hotties, and your bitch of a sister suddenly (and suspiciously) has "adopted" you for her sorority. Buckle up, cause Freshman year is won't be an easy A, but it might be an easy O."

Now, i certainly would not want to you change your voice per se, but the above paragraph hits most of the key points while keeping things moving. The summary is really almost an "elevator pitch". If you felt you need more detail on something, you could always have an "extended description" spoiler tab under the Summary like I've seen people do.

This really does sound interesting, and I'm looking forward to playing it.