So a week or two ago I posted here with some questions about a project I'm working on in my spare time, a weird, plotty, smutty text adventure, and received some very insightful feedback on what little I was able to share at the time. I now return with an excerpt hoping to pick your brains again. I'm really hoping for some feedback on the tense, as it's written in the second person, which is traditional for text adventures, but not usually like this. The main character is unique and perhaps difficult to relate to, so instead of the second person being used to insert yourself, its the story saying "hey see this guy, this guy is you. You are this man and these traumas are yours, these feelings are yours." That's the hope anyway, most resources I've consulted on writing in the second person amount to "if you're not producing technical writing or a short art piece don't do it" so I'm kind of worried that I'm wasting my time with something that just isn't working. Of course I'd appreciate any other feedback you deign to offer me, the excerpt is under the cut. You don't need to read the whole thing, but, I thought this exerpt would be best since it coveres a range of character interactions, and some smut at the end. Be aware that it's about 7k words long, NSFW, and still a work in progress, and for goodness sake read the content warning before you get upset at me about my choice in kinks because you have been told.
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