Test my game. The Guy in Charge.

[totallyoklad9348]

Hey guys! I've been working on a game the past couple of weeks and could use some constructive criticism. It's the first game I ever made, I literally just picked up daz and ren'py a few weeks ago and started on the game. So before I release it I wanted you guys to test it out first, tell me what you like or don't like about it. Obviously the game is nowhere near release, there is a lot of content I wanna add but I thought "Hey if they think the game is trash why waste time on it?"

Design:
The game is designed as a sandbox in renpy. I wanted to do a full day/night cycle like in The Tyrant or Big Brother but it seemed a bit complicated for a complete amateur such as myself. So I decided to simply use an energy system. Every action costs energy, once the energy is depleted you have to go to sleep. There are "attributes" in the game such as physique, stealth, massage... I'm sure if you played games of similar genre you know what those do already. The main thing I wanted to focus on the game is branching paths. Each female has three statistics: Relationship, Lust and Pregnancy. Relationship is obviously how much the girls like you. Lust is the raw physical attraction they feel towards you. Pregnancy is an ending path but more on that later. Now, each stat works independently, meaning that if your relationship with a girl is low but the lust is high, you will still see sexual content (think of it as "hate sex"). So basically there are two "solo" paths and an ntr path. The only way to access ntr is if BOTH the girls relationship AND lust reach low values. The content of the game is incest and ntr (the ntr being completely avoidable).

The story:
The story is a bit generic but I think it gets the job done. It's fully explained in the intro of the game so I will give you the short version here. Basically, you and your brother were pervs when you were little and loved spying on your mom. Your brother took pictures, your mom found them, he blamed it all on you and she believed him cause he's mommy's little boy and you're kind of a cunt. She sent you to a high school in a foreign country and now four years later you're back home.

So there you have it. Test the game out and tell me what you think. All criticism will be much appreciated. By the way english isn't my native language so forgive me for the often retarded choice of words and moronic punctuation. Have fun!

File size: 145 MB
Windows 64

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[Katgza]

a few things.

• Introduction its a little long, you should consider add some Images during the MC's Explanation like "Brother Spying mom" or "Mom yelling MC" etc.
  
• Incest <this can give you trouble if you want to publish your game through patreon>, one option it can be that you can make the player to choose the type of relationship that the family have.
  
• "MC sleeping on the couch", he used to live there right? so why does the MC dont have his old room back.
• "Paying rent every day" maybe it can be change to Weekly?
• NTR Route Its fine by me aslong it's avoidable.

 

[totallyoklad9348]

a few things.

• Introduction its a little long, you should consider add some Images during the MC's Explanation like "Brother Spying mom" or "Mom yelling MC" etc.
  
• Incest <this can give you trouble if you want to publish your game through patreon>, one option it can be that you can make the player to choose the type of relationship that the family have.
  
• "MC sleeping on the couch", he used to live there right? so why does the MC dont have his old room back.
• "Paying rent every day" maybe it can be change to Weekly?
• NTR Route Its fine by me aslong it's avoidable.

Thanks for the response! Honestly during the introduction I was a bit worried about adding images of 13-14 year olds watching their mom naked. Thought I would maybe get in trouble for showing that. But maybe I can add images from first perspective and avoid it that way.
That's actually not the house they used to live in, I forgot to add that in the intro when the PC arrives (I'm an idiot )
Also I thought that would be a good reason for the whole "Can I sleep in your room" thing. But I can definitely add a player room that's not a problem.
Concerning the rent I will try to figure out a code to change it to weekly. I'm guessing it can't be that hard.

 

[Tataro]

Post some screenshots to get people interested from the story.

 

[totallyoklad9348]

NTR=HARD PASS

Honestly NTR isn't my flavor either, but I added it as a completely avoidable third option to the game, as there are many players who love that stuff.

 

[crazybeaver]

Well, had seen it now - maybe too much muscles on mom, bit of dark, main charcacter bit old and bald, but start is already good.

 

[totallyoklad9348]

By the way one thing I forgot to mention is the intervals between events. I coded it so that every 20 points of increase or decrease in relationship a new event starts. Do you guys think I should make it shorter or longer, or is it okay this way?

 

[Katgza]

I was a bit worried about adding images of 13-14 year olds watching their mom naked. Thought I would maybe get in trouble for showing that. But maybe I can add images from first perspective and avoid it that way.

It doesnt have to be an explicit image, maybe a image of both brothers checking bathroom door without showing mom or showing mom through the mirror at the wall but blurring her breasts etc.

That's actually not the house they used to live in, I forgot to add that in the intro when the PC arrives, Also I thought that would be a good reason for the whole "Can I sleep in your room" thing. But I can definitely add a player room that's not a problem.

Well that explaing a few things, and as for the computer since you mention BB + "Skills" I know it will appear soon or later
but it doesnt have to be a "Room" for example the Mc can start living at the Attic of the house and for some "Reason" it to unconfortable so he have ask to "Sleep on others room".

Post some screenshots to get people interested from the story.

Spoiler: Characters

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[Akatriel]

This game isn't a natural fit for me, so I'm focusing on the writing side. Your renders are really competent (Except for the mom's weird knees, smooth skin is more aesthetically pleasing than detailed skin) and you seem to have the technical side on point. Getting the technical basics right is super important, even for a small game. Well done!

Some notes I had about writing,

- The MC breaking the fourth wall to talk to me (Scene starts with "Alright listen up....") is not needed. Exposition dumps are usually considered a bad narrative technique. And I can learn everything the MC telling me through the characters talking to one another naturally.

"I just finished high school, in a different country mind you.." Who cares? It's not relevant and if it is super important later, one line of dialogue with a family member could cover this much more naturally. Same with the dead Dad. Just him not being around is far more interesting then you straight up telling the audience. You could build some intrigue as to why the Dad is not around, finally being revealed as an excuse for shitty behavior, not having a Father figure or something.

"I lived with my Parents and Siblings most of my life" Considering his age, this is true for 90% of the Western World. Irrelevant. Etc etc with all the other lines here.

"Show don't tell" If your adolescence and getting into girls with your brother is important. Have a playable little scene playing as the little boys peeking around the neighborhood. Or let the brother reminisce with you through dialogue.

Most amateur fiction writers fall into the trap of believing the backgrounds and worldbuilding will be super interesting to the audience right at the beginning, when the audience still has no investment into the world or story yet. You're wasting those precious first moments, when most people decide wetherer to quit or to continue by telling me shit im not invested in yet.

Why are you introducing the family in the exposition dump? Would be far more interesting to let the player meet these characters on their own, then the MC can remark on their looks, and their relationship etc. It's like you're showing me the credit screen before we've even started.

"I'm finally here! Being away for so long I almost forgot we're rich" MC is either crazy and talking to himself, or this is an inner monologue. Might be an idea to visually show the difference. He then goes on to shout "Is anyone here?" So he his talking out loud?

No-one forgets their family is rich. You could highlight that living as a poor student and then coming home is kinda nice, enjoying the creature comforts even though it means less freedom. You know, how did you feel when you got back from College/Uni? I'm sure you had mixed feelings, you were ambivalent. That's way more interesting then forgetting your family is rich.

The Mother feels really weird. She's super rich but needs rent everyday because? If she cares about her sons development, why is she oozing hatred towards him? A manipulative, successfull mother fiqure who wants the best for her children and will break taboos to instil her ideals would be a great character. This Mom is a non-intelligent Psychopath trying to sound professional.

And the MC thinks; "That's fair" No emotions, no thoughts about their Relationship or how it got like this. Maybe the Mom turned really cynical after the love of her life died, and you remind her of him. You're missing low hanging fruit here.

There's my notes on the first 5 mins. Should you keep working on this? As I learning project to develop your skills, defintely. Your technical quality and the scope of the game means you are likely to get far in development, but I haven't seen anything exceptional or unique here yet. I didn't get to any sex scenes yet, so I can give you some pointers there too if you want. Or just tell me to fuck off.

 

[totallyoklad9348]

This game isn't a natural fit for me, so I'm focusing on the writing side. Your renders are really competent (Except for the mom's weird knees, smooth skin is more aesthetically pleasing than detailed skin) and you seem to have the technical side on point. Getting the technical basics right is super important, even for a small game. Well done!

Some notes I had about writing,

- The MC breaking the fourth wall to talk to me (Scene starts with "Alright listen up....") is not needed. Exposition dumps are usually considered a bad narrative technique. And I can learn everything the MC telling me through the characters talking to one another naturally.

"I just finished high school, in a different country mind you.." Who cares? It's not relevant and if it is super important later, one line of dialogue with a family member could cover this much more naturally. Same with the dead Dad. Just him not being around is far more interesting then you straight up telling the audience. You could build some intrigue as to why the Dad is not around, finally being revealed as an excuse for shitty behavior, not having a Father figure or something.

"I lived with my Parents and Siblings most of my life" Considering his age, this is true for 90% of the Western World. Irrelevant. Etc etc with all the other lines here.

"Show don't tell" If your adolescence and getting into girls with your brother is important. Have a playable little scene playing as the little boys peeking around the neighborhood. Or let the brother reminisce with you through dialogue.

Most amateur fiction writers fall into the trap of believing the backgrounds and worldbuilding will be super interesting to the audience right at the beginning, when the audience still has no investment into the world or story yet. You're wasting those precious first moments, when most people decide wetherer to quit or to continue by telling me shit im not invested in yet.

Why are you introducing the family in the exposition dump? Would be far more interesting to let the player meet these characters on their own, then the MC can remark on their looks, and their relationship etc. It's like you're showing me the credit screen before we've even started.

"I'm finally here! Being away for so long I almost forgot we're rich" MC is either crazy and talking to himself, or this is an inner monologue. Might be an idea to visually show the difference. He then goes on to shout "Is anyone here?" So he his talking out loud?

No-one forgets their family is rich. You could highlight that living as a poor student and then coming home is kinda nice, enjoying the creature comforts even though it means less freedom. You know, how did you feel when you got back from College/Uni? I'm sure you had mixed feelings, you were ambivalent. That's way more interesting then forgetting your family is rich.

The Mother feels really weird. She's super rich but needs rent everyday because? If she cares about her sons development, why is she oozing hatred towards him? A manipulative, successfull mother fiqure who wants the best for her children and will break taboos to instil her ideals would be a great character. This Mom is a non-intelligent Psychopath trying to sound professional.

And the MC thinks; "That's fair" No emotions, no thoughts about their Relationship or how it got like this. Maybe the Mom turned really cynical after the love of her life died, and you remind her of him. You're missing low hanging fruit here.

There's my notes on the first 5 mins. Should you keep working on this? As I learning project to develop your skills, defintely. Your technical quality and the scope of the game means you are likely to get far in development, but I haven't seen anything exceptional or unique here yet. I didn't get to any sex scenes yet, so I can give you some pointers there too if you want. Or just tell me to fuck off.

First of all thanks for the reply! It was very constructive, which is always appreciated
On the topic of writing, I get it. I'm not a writer, so some nuances to make characters more interesting and the plot more engaging are unknown to me. Hopefully I'll get better with time
The whole thing about the MC looking like his father was supposed to come up later in the game. The mother was supposed to explain to the MC that the reason they always had a strained relationship was because everytime she looked at him she saw his father (the father was also a complete ass towards her, again that was supposed to come later). I just didn't want to add that dialogue so soon in the game.
Anyways, the reason I didn't just release the game was so that I could get some advice and yours definitely helped so thx
PS: If you have any more suggestions feel free to post, that's why I created this thread in the first place

 

[Akatriel]

Cool! I was thinking about how I would go about the very start of your story...

You heard of In medias res?

Start the game right in the middle of a dramatic and exciting scene. Something like the MC is balls deep anal fucking the Mother with dubious consent. Not the start of that scene, but at the climax of that scene. The dialogue between the MC and Mother can drop all the world building from your current start, "What would your Dad think? God rest his soul" "What happened to you in college? I don't recognize you"

MC orgasms and has a moment of clarity, asking himself how in hell did he end up here? Fade to... MC arriving at home at the pool scene.

Gives you a dramatic and exciting first scene, gives the audience some fan-service (It's a common complaint here that it takes way to long to get to some sexy times) and gives the story some tension. The audience knows where the MC will end up and how the story starts, but not how they got there.

You don't even need the story to reach that first scene, for extra audience-expectation-fuckery.

Or you could just rip out the MC breaking the fourth wall scene. Start at the pool and spend some time adding world building to the first couple scenes meeting the family.

Good luck!

 

[totallyoklad9348]

Cool! I was thinking about how I would go about the very start of your story...

You heard of In medias res?

Start the game right in the middle of a dramatic and exciting scene. Something like the MC is balls deep anal fucking the Mother with dubious consent. Not the start of that scene, but at the climax of that scene. The dialogue between the MC and Mother can drop all the world building from your current start, "What would your Dad think? God rest his soul" "What happened to you in college? I don't recognize you"

MC orgasms and has a moment of clarity, asking himself how in hell did he end up here? Fade to... MC arriving at home at the pool scene.

Gives you a dramatic and exciting first scene, gives the audience some fan-service (It's a common complaint here that it takes way to long to get to some sexy times) and gives the story some tension. The audience knows where the MC will end up and how the story starts, but not how they got there.

You don't even need the story to reach that first scene, for extra audience-expectation-fuckery.

Or you could just rip out the MC breaking the fourth wall scene. Start at the pool and spend some time adding world building to the first couple scenes meeting the family.

Good luck!

Thanks so much for this! It's a lot cooler than what I had so I'll definitely be using it (don't be mad when you see it pop up in the next update ). As a thank you note here is a little preview of the new and improved intro:

 

[skvllbro]

Cool! I was thinking about how I would go about the very start of your story...

You heard of In medias res?

Start the game right in the middle of a dramatic and exciting scene. Something like the MC is balls deep anal fucking the Mother with dubious consent. Not the start of that scene, but at the climax of that scene. The dialogue between the MC and Mother can drop all the world building from your current start, "What would your Dad think? God rest his soul" "What happened to you in college? I don't recognize you"

MC orgasms and has a moment of clarity, asking himself how in hell did he end up here? Fade to... MC arriving at home at the pool scene.

This is pretty good. There are so many plot devices that devs could use to make their games more interesting. It's a shame that some games look really good with awesome renders but then the story is so lacklustre...

 

[Akatriel]

Thanks so much for this! It's a lot cooler than what I had so I'll definitely be using it (don't be mad when you see it pop up in the next update ). As a thank you note here is a little preview of the new and improved intro:
View attachment 139620

Hey no problem. And it's cool, use whatever is useful to you. The ideas aren't valuable, it's your implementation of them that is.

This is pretty good. There are so many plot devices that devs could use to make their games more interesting. It's a shame that some games look really good with awesome renders but then the story is so lacklustre...

Thanks! I agree, we should learn lessons other people have made, no matter what the medium is.

I've made a little

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thread here, feel free to post whatever creative writing your working on, maybe share ideas or get inspired.

 

[lexx228]

I didn't understand anything about the game(and its mechanics), but Ophelia is the best milf model in DAZ:heartcoveredeyes:

 

[totallyoklad9348]

I didn't understand anything about the game(and its mechanics), but Ophelia is the best milf model in DAZ:heartcoveredeyes:

Basically every 20 points or so a new version of an event starts. So for example: when you start the game you have 0 points, after you raise it to 20 a new talking event replacing the previous one starts. And so on, and on...

 

[HopesGaming]

@Akatriel made some excellent points in the story department.

There is a belief that games that are not story focused do not need to be focused on. But the truth is, even the people who want a porn focused game still want the little story there is to be solid.
I was in the same spot as you, with not being a writer.
In fact, I never wrote a story of any kind myself. So I took the time to learn it.

My advice for you would be to hold the project for 1-week minimum and study the different techniques, the dos and don'ts. You be surprised how many things that are obvious once you learn it, but we miss without.
Infodumps, for example, seems to be your big con.

The renders are good and seem to be improving, so you got that down.

I do not know what to think about the way you have your navigation system. It seems somewhat cumbersome with the choice menu as the main part. Tho, that may just be an early dev thing.

Wish you the best with it.

 

[Tony_Stark]

NTR? yes, yes :eazyHype:

 

[Soccergod2666]

Dont give up on this game

 

[totallyoklad9348]

Hey guys! Just wanted to update you on how the game is progressing. Capitalism has been kicking my ass the last couple of months. I just got a new job so time has been a real issue. I've gotten a break over the holidays (yay!) so I'll have time to work on the game full time over the next couple of weeks!

So what have I been doing in the meantime:
- I reworked the intro, it's no longer such a huge information dump. Now you will find out thing about you and your family through dialogue rather than the intro.
- I removed the "energy" system. Quite honestly it didn't make sense immersion wise, so I added a day-night cycle the way it is in so many games (games like summertime saga and f.i.l.f.). Basically you have Morning, Late Morning, Afternoon, Late Afternoon, Night and Late Night. Depending on the time of day different events will be available to increase immersion.
- Added new events: Two new bathroom events (Mom Showering, Sister Showering)
Three new living room events (Talking to Mom)
A couple unique events regarding your brother. (Him talking to mom or sister depending on your relationship with them)

Right now I'm working on improving the interface to make it more accessible and easier to navigate. However if it proves too difficult I will just return to making new events so that I can get the first version of the game released before I have to start working again.

Once again I want to thank all you guys for the advice you have given me, it's been really invaluable!
See you guys in a couple of weeks, hopefully with the first official version of the game!

Oh yeah here is a little preview of one of the new events!