Hello again.
Since you've taken the time to look at my recent post, I thought it would only be fair if I had a look at whatever you've created and gave my own thoughts on it.
The first thing is something I've also mentioned in my own thread, that is the action descriptors.
I see that you are often falling back on the
"Yes" - [Name] agreed with her
"Hello" - [Name] answered.
"Same way" - [Name] Answered honestly.
style of writing. If used sporadically, this can work in a book, but in the visual novel medium, I feel like it comes off as clumsy. What do I mean by that - when two characters say "Hello" to each other, it is obvious that the second one answers the first one. And because it is obvious, your action description does not bring me any new, useful information, but rather it serves as something I believe the professionals call "padding" - an artificial way of making the script longer, without actually saying anything useful.
Also, consider this: you can convey an information without stating it outright - in fact, it is very often better to do so.
For example, you could write
A: We are having guests tonight - A has said
B: You are joking - B answered, surprised. She's just been out of the bath, and the information caught her unaware.
But you could also write
A: We are having guests tonight
B: You are joking - B's eyes opened wide, and she turned her head to look straight at A, with the sudden motion throwing off the towel, wrapped around her wet hair.
For one, you don't need to mention that "A" said something, because that is already self-evident from the dialogue.
As for B's answer, instead of saying "B was surprised", you can say "B raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth wide". Instead of saying "B got angry", you can say "B tightened her fists and clenched her teeth". By doing this, not only are you dodging the trap of writing like it's an elementary school essay ("Today I went to a park. There were a lot of flowers there. They were very pretty."), but depending on the words used, you can create a different sort of mood:
"B fell silent, and with a sharp look, she made it clear that she didn't appreciate this sort of news being sprung on her out of nowhere"
"B fell silent and turned back to her PC, continuing her work. Click. Click. She misplaced the folder. FUCK! - she cried out, throwing her mouse against the desk - she then slumped back into her chair, with one of her hands clutching the bridge of her nose, and the other wrapping around her waist"
"B's nostrils flared up, and as her blood's pressure rose, her face became red - I TOLD YOU TO MENTION THESE THINGS TO ME EARLIER, FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
These three all describe anger, but in a very different manner - depending on what sort of atmosphere you want to have, these sorts of descriptions might work better than a simple "B got angry" for example.
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Another thing is that, I don't know if I simply wasn't paying attention, but at least during the first scene, if I haven't seen your post above, I would have no idea which girl is which. This is a major problem for a visual medium, since if I can't connect the dialogue to the character's face, the characters will start to blend together, and as the end result, I will feel like they are just cardboard cutouts, placed there for the convenience of the story, rather than a representation of a living, breathing human being.
What I mentioned in one of my other posts, you want the reader to connect emotionally to the story, because that's how your story becomes memorable. In order to make the reader care about the story, they need to connect emotionally to the characters, though - and for that, the character needs to have a very vivid image in the reader's mind.
This doesn't necessarily mean you have to show their face - even a hooded, faceless character can become memorable, if he's the only hooded, faceless character. But when he's just one of one hundred hooded, faceless characters, people will stop caring about him, because in their minds he won't be distinctive any more. The same thing applies to characters with faces.
I would advise to not skimp out on the CGs so much, and get some more shots - as it is now, even adding a single talking CG per girl, would be MUCH better. It still wouldn't be great, but it would definitely be better than what you have right now. Either that, or somehow convey through the text which girl is which - I would say this is more important right now, rather than telling me a character B is answering character A when they say a line in response to something A has said first.
EDIT: OK, going past all the three first choices, I see that you do show the girls on the CGs, which is good, but I would still say that it is a little confusing.
If you find making and framing multiple CG shots a problem, you could always try going the classic VN style, and create a static sprite of the character talking, and use Ren'Py to show that sprite on the screen only when said character is actively speaking. This would make it much more readable, I believe.
