Which version is better? Please help.

[Jessie von Raum]

"Realizing the mistake in her choice of partner and the inevitability of impending problems filled her with strong anxiety and fear. She struggled to hold back tears, fearing her husband would see this weakness!"

or

"As the weight of her mistake in choosing a partner dawned on her, and the looming inevitability of future challenges sank in, she was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. Desperately, she fought to contain her tears, dreading that her husband might perceive this vulnerability."

 

[Turning Tricks]

Hard to say...

Oddly, that first paragraph passes a basic AI grammar check, but without a comma between problems and filled, the whole thing makes no sense.

In your second choice, you need to remove the comma after "... dawned on her, ..."

I think I prefer the first option (with a comma added).

 

[peterppp]

Oddly, that first paragraph passes a basic AI grammar check, but without a comma between problems and filled, the whole thing makes no sense.

i disagree. that implies that "Realizing the mistake, filled her with ..." is a correct sentence. you really think so?

a comma after "problems" should only be there if you separate "and the inevitability of impending problems" with commas, so that would be two commas. like this:
"Realizing the mistake in her choice of partner, and the inevitability of impending problems, filled her with"

but if you want to split it up like that, i think it should be done like this
"Realizing the mistake in her choice of partner--and the inevitability of impending problems--filled her with ..."

 

[Turning Tricks]

Sorry.. I disagree. Using a comma before "and" when it's between two clauses that are both short and related is generally considered not necessary. You rarely see it in creative writing. Normally you see them in long lists of clauses or between clauses that are about different things.

The clauses "mistake in her choice of partner" and "the inevitability of impending problems" are related and both of them are factors that "filled her with strong anxiety and fear". That's why I think it's a correct sentence as long as that one comma is added. And the reason I prefer it to the other option is that it is shorter and more concise. These are Visual Novels and much of the communication is already there, in visual form. Dialogue should be there just to supplement the visuals presented and not to replace them.

That's my opinion. But English is English, and there's many ways to do it. It can also depend on the region as well. US English is quite a bit different than Canadian English, for example. Just as Canadian English is different than British English, lol.

I'm actually thinking about taking some night courses in creative writing to improve my writing. High school English classes were a long, LONG time ago!

 

[anne O'nymous]

Can I choose none ?

Of course, writing adult content do not mean that you've to write like you're talking to a 10yo. But you're also not trying to get a Nobel Prize in Literature.
The narration should stay light and smooth, to not cut the global pace established by the dialogs, and it's not the feeling I get from your two examples.

 

[peterppp]

Sorry.. I disagree. Using a comma before "and" when it's between two clauses that are both short and related is generally considered not necessary. You rarely see it in creative writing. Normally you see them in long lists of clauses or between clauses that are about different things.

The clauses "mistake in her choice of partner" and "the inevitability of impending problems" are related and both of them are factors that "filled her with strong anxiety and fear". That's why I think it's a correct sentence as long as that one comma is added. And the reason I prefer it to the other option is that it is shorter and more concise. These are Visual Novels and much of the communication is already there, in visual form. Dialogue should be there just to supplement the visuals presented and not to replace them.

That's my opinion. But English is English, and there's many ways to do it. It can also depend on the region as well. US English is quite a bit different than Canadian English, for example. Just as Canadian English is different than British English, lol.

I'm actually thinking about taking some night courses in creative writing to improve my writing. High school English classes were a long, LONG time ago!

i didn't say the clauses should be separated by commas, but that's the only way there should be a comma after "problems", imo.

maybe we see different clauses. consider this:
A) "Realizing the mistake, she was filled with anxiety." -- the comma here is needed

B) "Realizing the mistake, filled her with anxiety." -- the comma should not be here because "filled her with anxiety" must be paired with something else.

if we switch the clauses in B, we get "Filled her with anxiety, realizing the mistake." that sentence makes no sense.
but if we switch the clauses in A, we get "She was filled with anxiety, realizing the mistake." making perfect sense.

so the comma should not be in B. it should be "Realizing the mistake filled her with anxiety."

i'm not claiming i know this to be correct, but this is what appears correct to me

 

[Jessie von Raum]

The narration should stay light and smooth, to not cut the global pace established by the dialogs, and it's not the feeling I get from your two examples.

How would you write it?

 

[anne O'nymous]

How would you write it?

I don't know the context, so I can't give a proper answer to this question. But I guess that it would be something along the line of:
"Her bad taste, when it come to choosing a partner, now show its consequences, but all she could do right now was to hope that her husband wouldn't notice her weakness. This would only make things worse, and she clearly don't need this."

You are the witness of the story, and you are now telling it. But you aren't facing a jury, nor are you storytelling it to an eager audience in whatever auditorium. Instead you are at a coffee, telling it to a friend because it's an interesting anecdote.
And it's how you should write your narration parts.

 

[osanaiko]

My 2 cents:

The choice to write from an omniscient third person observer view is an unusual stylistic decision. It is something you are doing intentionally? If the woman the MC, I would suggest that you'd be far better to reveal this plot point via her own thoughts.

   "She suppressed a sob, lying with her back towards the man who she had come to despise."
mc "{i}(How could I have been so stupid...)"
   "Despite the warm blankets, a cold, heavy weight had settled into her chest, pressing down and dragging her mind with it."
mc "{i}(I just know that <something> is going to happen. But... there's nothing I can do about it...)"
   "Unable to tear her thoughts away from the dark spiral, she let the tears silently fall to the soft cotton of her pillow, terrified of making a sound."
mc "{i}(I can't let him know... that I know...)"

 

[Jessie von Raum]

It is something you are doing intentionally?

Yes. There will be a lot of this in the game.

 

[Jessie von Raum]

"She suppressed a sob, lying with her back towards the man who she had come to despise." mc "{i}(How could I have been so stupid...)" "Despite the warm blankets, a cold, heavy weight had settled into her chest, pressing down and dragging her mind with it." mc "{i}(I just know that <something> is going to happen. But... there's nothing I can do about it...)" "Unable to tear her thoughts away from the dark spiral, she let the tears silently fall to the soft cotton of her pillow, terrified of making a sound." mc "{i}(I can't let him know... that I know...)"

I like your language.