- May 14, 2019
- 365
- 722
Interesting start....
I think you need to get a proof reader.
The VN needs to find its voice. It seems to switch between Old English, 3rd Person, 1st Person, and "modern".... I think you need to be consistant in the way you tell the story. Also, It almost comes across as if it was fed into a translating program... from xyz to English.
Lots of verb tense issues and, you need a bit more punctuation to make it easier to read.
If you are not a native English speaker, it might be worth your while to enlist the help of one to make it flow better.
Some of the Renders are really nice.... but others really miss the mark. You are at your best with close-up work. But the wider shots (like when you meet the chief/Mike could benefit from some re-rendering. Specifically, in that scene, I wouldn't show the ground in that scene. The grass looks fake when set against the hard edges of the building and wall, which result in a scene that looks like you just dumped assets into a box and hit render.
You don't need to show their feet, so move your camera up to avoid shots like that.
Its a good start, but folks are going to ding you on the English/Dialogue when they start to review. I'd get ahead of it now by getting help.
I think you need to get a proof reader.
The VN needs to find its voice. It seems to switch between Old English, 3rd Person, 1st Person, and "modern".... I think you need to be consistant in the way you tell the story. Also, It almost comes across as if it was fed into a translating program... from xyz to English.
Lots of verb tense issues and, you need a bit more punctuation to make it easier to read.
If you are not a native English speaker, it might be worth your while to enlist the help of one to make it flow better.
Some of the Renders are really nice.... but others really miss the mark. You are at your best with close-up work. But the wider shots (like when you meet the chief/Mike could benefit from some re-rendering. Specifically, in that scene, I wouldn't show the ground in that scene. The grass looks fake when set against the hard edges of the building and wall, which result in a scene that looks like you just dumped assets into a box and hit render.
You don't need to show their feet, so move your camera up to avoid shots like that.
Its a good start, but folks are going to ding you on the English/Dialogue when they start to review. I'd get ahead of it now by getting help.
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