Others Corruption of Champions II [v0.7.32] [Savin/Salamander Studios]

[atomicp]

Hi! Writer himself here.

I can't talk about other writers, but in my case I'm pretty open to any idea on critique about my character.

It's pretty hard to say this without sounding like a douchenozzle... but without doubt... The fact you're willing to accept criticisms already makes you one of the best writers in the team.

And also, don't worry about not being a native english speaker... uh... writer. The really terrible ones are native, afaik!

 

[Fleep]

Hey, so just because of this post I decided to go back and play though her content and seriously consider it. (I didn't bother finding a buttplug to continue, I'm not sure how much more is gated behind that.)

If she's so corrupted, then something about that needs to be foreshadowed. Our first encounter is an orderly camp with a woman studiously maintaining her sword and upon first hearing and sight of some one else, she leaps up, crosses how much distance there is between us in the time it takes to glance down and back up again. These are the actions of some one who means business, and isn't particularly fussy if some one's in the wrong place at the wrong time. Also, she kind of jumps from guarded to life story pretty quick. There's no inclination of any kind of interest except for when she looks you up and down at sword point and bites her lip, but that could just as easily be taken for indetermination. And then after a frankly depressing backstory, where she pretty much puts up a wall between you, you immediately ask for sex. It's kind of out of the blue and she laughs at you, but not because your suggestion is ridiculous, it's because "I'm the boss of this gym."

There's no real arousal or chemistry. And frankly, in a world with Kasyrra in it, she's a little plain jane to be expecting us to beg her for the privilege of her affection. You haven't actually established that it's worth anything yet or why we even want it.

I think there are some interesting things you can do to spice up her dynamic. Make her earn her attitude by introducing her as a combat encounter, and let's see how she really stacks up against the main character. Combat for example could reveal alot about her character, she could have unique versions of those dominant special moves, where she tells you about how she's going to humiliate you after the fight if she wins. Atleast you'd have time to pepper hints of her personality in there that make the actual sex less jarring. There are a few good tense first encounters in the game but hers goes a little too far I feel like.

So I think the most constructive criticism I can offer is either take it a little slower to introduce her character and establish why we want her to humiliate us in the first place. A below average (relatively, considering some other characters) penis, isn't really justification enough. At least Eryka has her mood swings, and they're pretty close to the same character. I think something your girl will struggle with is really distinguishing herself, especially as the cast grows. Humiliation is a rough niche, because I can get that by basically loosing any fight.

Either way, good luck in your endeavours!

Corruption in this game is as lack of empathy and care for others, which is the path Lyla is slowly walking. She's out there everyday, killing demons not because it's the right thing to do, not because there's some village to protect, she's doing it just for herself. I can add this in future talk options, if that counts as foreshadowing.

The combat is something I wanted to add, more like an alternative to the "friendly approach" option where you approach her camp with fighting intentions but now that you've said this maybe I could also make her sparr with you when you ask for sex. Maybe that can be a test for her to see if you're good enough and it is when you fail that you get humilliated, which may count as a slower introduction. Still, the reason I'm not doing the combat scene yet is because I'm struggling with the fighting system, there's lot of numbers and stuff and I don't fully understand so it won't happen soon.

Anyway I hope the combat and the new, slightly changed introduction (where she's less hostile) is enough to make her sex less jarring.

(Here you can see some of her alteration and new ways to encounter her if you're interested:

You must be registered to see the links

)

(And here you can check some of her new talk options and scenes:

You must be registered to see the links

)

 

[Duarchy]

Corruption in this game is as lack of empathy and care for others, which is the path Lyla is slowly walking. She's out there everyday, killing demons not because it's the right thing to do, not because there's some village to protect, she's doing it just for herself. I can add this in future talk options, if that counts as foreshadowing.

The combat is something I wanted to add, more like an alternative to the "friendly approach" option where you approach her camp with fighting intentions but now that you've said this maybe I could also make her sparr with you when you ask for sex. Maybe that can be a test for her to see if you're good enough and it is when you fail that you get humilliated, which may count as a slower introduction. Still, the reason I'm not doing the combat scene yet is because I'm struggling with the fighting system, there's lot of numbers and stuff and I don't fully understand so it won't happen soon.

Anyway I hope the combat and the new, slightly changed introduction (where she's less hostile) is enough to make her sex less jarring.

(Here you can see some of her alteration and new ways to encounter her if you're interested:

You must be registered to see the links

)

(And here you can check some of her new talk options and scenes:

You must be registered to see the links

)

That's interesting. I suppose your idea of corruption is consistent with the game's at its core. It's just represented in a more sexually charged way with other characters. Still, that's only something apparent with hindsight and you pointing it out, I don't think it's something that's overly obvious from the start. Especially when you're playing one handed and there's a little less blood flowing around up top. So, her attitude comes off as rather sudden, given its kind of extreme nature, you'd expect some kind of visual or behavioural forewarning you're dealing with some one that only cares about themselves. New ways to approach her that shed lights on different aspects of her character is a good step towards improvement.

Thinking about it now, part of what makes the sex to jarring is there's no indication prior that she's even inclined. Something that might help this would be something like a scene before you even meet her, where you just so happen to be exploring nearby, and happen to see her getting off on sexually humiliating some one else, like one of the kitsunes perhaps. I don't know how exclusive you want the character to be, but probably very given that our crew is never around to meet her, so something like that might not work, but I hope you kinda get the gist.

Maybe I'm the only one that feels like this, I dunno. Either way, good luck.

 

[throbzombie]

Corruption in this game is as lack of empathy and care for others, which is the path Lyla is slowly walking. She's out there everyday, killing demons not because it's the right thing to do, not because there's some village to protect, she's doing it just for herself. I can add this in future talk options, if that counts as foreshadowing.

The combat is something I wanted to add, more like an alternative to the "friendly approach" option where you approach her camp with fighting intentions but now that you've said this maybe I could also make her sparr with you when you ask for sex. Maybe that can be a test for her to see if you're good enough and it is when you fail that you get humilliated, which may count as a slower introduction. Still, the reason I'm not doing the combat scene yet is because I'm struggling with the fighting system, there's lot of numbers and stuff and I don't fully understand so it won't happen soon.

Anyway I hope the combat and the new, slightly changed introduction (where she's less hostile) is enough to make her sex less jarring.

(Here you can see some of her alteration and new ways to encounter her if you're interested:

You must be registered to see the links

)

(And here you can check some of her new talk options and scenes:

You must be registered to see the links

)

Hey, as long as you're taking suggestions, could you modify her intro scene to take corruption into account? She's all, "You don't look like a demon," when my corruption is at 100 and I've got wings and horns. My character is supposed to be evil, yet barely anyone even bothers to notice. Kinda sucks out the magic, you know? Even if it locks the character forever, because there needs to be more corruption-specific content, IMO.

 

[Duarchy]

Hey, as long as you're taking suggestions, could you modify her intro scene to take corruption into account? She's all, "You don't look like a demon," when my corruption is at 100 and I've got wings and horns. My character is supposed to be evil, yet barely anyone even bothers to notice. Kinda sucks out the magic, you know? Even if it locks the character forever, because there needs to be more corruption-specific content, IMO.

Sir, it's very rude to assume someone's corruption. They could just be a demon presenting angel.

 

[MrCrazy123]

Where is glacial path to find the kobold? I've never fully explored the game since most of it isn't to my taste, but I'm real curious about the kobold. North of the forest and through the next area? Is there more stuff to the south somehow?

 

[Warphorror]

Where is glacial path to find the kobold? I've never fully explored the game since most of it isn't to my taste, but I'm real curious about the kobold. North of the forest and through the next area? Is there more stuff to the south somehow?

North of Winter City require that you advance in the main game quest line.

 

[Fleep]

Hey, as long as you're taking suggestions, could you modify her intro scene to take corruption into account? She's all, "You don't look like a demon," when my corruption is at 100 and I've got wings and horns. My character is supposed to be evil, yet barely anyone even bothers to notice. Kinda sucks out the magic, you know? Even if it locks the character forever, because there needs to be more corruption-specific content, IMO.

I get what you mean (in the new approach she doesn't mention the demon thing anymore, anyway), but once I've polished her combat I was planning on making her fight you if your corruption is that high. Still, as I've said, the combat addition will probably take long.

 

[MilkyMartha]

is this normal ?

 

[destroyerofassholes]

Etheryn is "half-sexed", something that happens to about a 10th of the boreal elf population according to the lore. Her chastity device is also enchanted by strong magic (she's tried alchemy I think to reduce her cock or get rid of it in order to force the cockcage off but that didn't work because of the enchantment). So I would assume that they would handwave any questions about why she can't get a pussy with the same reasoning.

And really the entire Kitsune Den and every Kitsune is there to remind the player that they are an outsider and will never be accepted as one of the Kitsune. The Observer isn't very subtle and nearly all of his Kitsune character's say at one point or another that we're an outsider, completing this or that quest won't help us fit in, we're bumbling around like a foreigner, etc etc etc. As for Takahiro himself, I actually don't mind his sex scenes but all the popup events where we watch him fuck everyone while the game beats us over the head with the fact that him and that one chick are meant for each other are super annoying. But again, that's Tobs, who rarely cares what the player possibly wants to do and is just trying to tell his own story.

Edit: I stand corrected, those Takahiro scenes are actually written by Bubblelord. Rip.

Takahiro is Bubblelord's? The most self-insert character ever is that dude's?

Takahiro is a bumbling fuck who somehow seems to get all the pussy all the time and we are expected to be a good guy and listen to him shit on us for some reason.

It's just so badly designed. Every second with Takahiro is torture. You just watch someone's weeb self-insert fuck some weeb assholes nobody cares about. Inject that cringe straight into my veins.

 

[destroyerofassholes]

Hi! Writer himself here.

I can't talk about other writers, but in my case I'm pretty open to any idea on critique about my character. Before submitting any contet I upload the google document to the "Event submission" forum in fenoxo.com for anyone to check and make any suggestion, that includes your own if you want to. In fact, I've taken notice of how some of you guys don't like her introduction and I'm wroking on the *teleporting* thing, seeing if we can make some changes in that aspect (which may take long, since it will first be reviewed and all). So if there's any other suggestion I would be happy to hear about it. Honestly.

Setting that aside you also need to keep in mind that each character is different and so are their dynamics (The "Taur lady" you mention has a gentler personality, is less corrupted and, as you said, her own appearance being dominant allows for a different dynamic). That also applies to the kinks they "treat". Evelyn is a gentle domme, displaying superiority with her high class manners while Lyla content is all about humiliation.

That said, Wsan is one of the best writers this game has (my favorite at least) while english is not my mother tongue and I'm writting for free as a hobby, so yeah my content is not as good as his.

Edit: I believe you mentioned you changed her introductions which was my main problem with her. All of what I said here might be moot now, as I haven't checked her as of late. Good on you for improving your work.

 

[destroyerofassholes]

It's pretty hard to say this without sounding like a douchenozzle... but without doubt... The fact you're willing to accept criticisms already makes you one of the best writers in the team.

And also, don't worry about not being a native english speaker... uh... writer. The really terrible ones are native, afaik!

Somehow it's always the native speakers who confuse their/there you're/your its/it's and such.

 

[destroyerofassholes]

I mean, they do use honorifics and such for you. And to be fair, he can not exatly force them to like you (and they already like you so I do not see a problem here), he can only impose on them to show you respect by changing your look and giving you a title. Because there is a difference.

I think people are just tired of the haha you stupid barbarian act of the kitsune when they, quite frankly, ain't shit. Tobs thinks his kitsune are some really deep amazing criticism of imperial japan. The fuck you foreigner act is supposed to be his presentation of what japan shogunates thought of foreigners(barbarians).

Look, Rome had good reason to think of everyone else as morons. They had tech and culture beyond others. They had advanced law, aqueducts, roads and sewage systems while Gaels were eating shit. I can understand a setting where a culture like Rome thinks of themselves highly and act haughty. If the Kitsune actually had tech or skills or power beyond other people and races in the game, maybe it'd make sense.

But Tobs' kitsune are actual honest to Keros morons. His representation falls flat because it feels less like a thought experiment and more of a "hey lol lmao nobody is accepting my novel can i put it here???"

And frankly I don't think a porn game is a good medium to talk about colonialism and foreigner distaste and shit. Or how Tobs thinks that putting japanese words in italic increases the iq of his writing by 500.

At the end of the day, talking about xenophobia issues of an ethnicity you don't belong to or understand in a porn game is fucking dumb. And only Tobs would have the arrogance to try to do it. In the end, it just serves to annoy the player. It'd be better if the kitsune were more of a threat or had something on us...but the MC at level 3 can pretty much go through the entire den alone. If they're that weak it just makes it worse lol.

 

[M0nte]

I think people are just tired of the haha you stupid barbarian act of the kitsune when they, quite frankly, ain't shit. Tobs thinks his kitsune are some really deep amazing criticism of imperial japan. The fuck you foreigner act is supposed to be his presentation of what japan shogunates thought of foreigners(barbarians).

Look, Rome had good reason to think of everyone else as morons. They had tech and culture beyond others. They had advanced law, aqueducts, roads and sewage systems while Gaels were eating shit. I can understand a setting where a culture like Rome thinks of themselves highly and act haughty.

But Tobs' kitsune are actual honest to Keros morons. His representation falls flat because it feels less like a thought experiment and more of a "hey lol lmao nobody is accepting my novel can i put it here???"

And frankly I don't think a porn game is a good medium to talk about colonialism and foreigner distaste and shit. Or how Tobs thinks that putting japanese words in italic increases the iq of his writing by 500.

At the end of the day, talking about xenophobia issues of an ethnicity you don't belong to or understand in a porn game is fucking dumb. And only Tobs would have the arrogance to try to do it. In the end, it just serves to annoy the player. Maybe it'd make more sense if the kitsune were more of a threat or had something on us...but the MC at level 3 can pretty much go through the entire den alone. If they're that weak it just makes it worse lol.

I mean, I agree with you on Japanese words used in English text is over the top. But since I watch anime with a lot of its broken English, I am somewhat fine with it.

And I am not sure if people here are just sensitive but are Kitsune really that bad? That barbarian thing is usually only used in sexual foreplay which I like (I can not even remember instances where that word was used). And outsider is not really that derogatory considering you are first one to be welcomed there. And even then, being an outsider is not always presented as a con in his writing. This can be best seen in your interaction with kinu where you being someone that is not a (born) kitsune allows you to see things from different perspective.

For Takahiro, yeah he is weird. Most people probably will not like him because he is a drunk guy, even when drunk he is always in control during sex scenes . He also does Kinu thing where you can witness his daily life, but at least you can disable those. And with all that, Bubbles expects you to care enough for him for you to get him together with that girl that only has five lines of dialogue in entire game.But a lot of people like me, still like him since he is fun to talk to, his sex scenes are fun and he is one few pretty looking boys in this game so give me a fucking break man. I do not have many options to play out my gay fantasies in this game to begin with. Even if, once fucking again, he only gives it, never fucking takes it! The fuck people, the fuck!?!

... yeah, I do not see what is there to be angry at in this game.

 

[EdgeOfShadow]

is this normal ?

Nope, at least i've never seen UI fuck up like this on PC.

 

[WhiteCafination]

And I am not sure if people here are just sensitive but are Kitsune really that bad? That barbarian thing is usually only used in sexual foreplay which I like (I can not even remember instances where that word was used). And outsider is not really that derogatory considering you are first one to be welcomed there. And even then, being an outsider is not always presented as a con in his writing. This can be best seen in your interaction with kinu where you being someone that is not a (born) kitsune allows you to see things from different perspective.

I wouldnt exactly say the Kitsunes are bad, but it's always the same xenophobia in these Japan analogues that just plain gets boring, even if the whole Sakoku mess was a large part of their history. I think a new take would've been cool, even if it might stray away from the influence of Edo Japan

 

[atomicp]

And I am not sure if people here are just sensitive but are Kitsune really that bad?

Dunno, man / sir / dude / gurl / lady... IMO, they're bad.

Badly written as an offensive (and outdated) caricature of sensitive issues, seen thru a lens that tries to justify their asshole-ish behaviour.

It's that jarring, because the ones who aren't bad are either not-racist fucks or a copycat of a better character.

 

[Duarchy]

At the end of the day, talking about xenophobia issues of an ethnicity you don't belong to or understand in a porn game is fucking dumb.

Amen.

 

[M0nte]

Dunno, man / sir / dude / gurl / lady... IMO, they're bad.

Badly written as an offensive (and outdated) caricature of sensitive issues, seen thru a lens that tries to justify their asshole-ish behaviour.

It's that jarring, because the ones who aren't bad are either not-racist fucks or a copycat of a better character.

I mean, can I ask you a question, how much are they racist (kitsunes as characters themselves)? Are they high and mighty? To some extent, yes. Maybe to a little extent, but frankly, I do not see it as such a big character flaw to get all uppity about it. Again, most of there remarks (do not bring Nakano up here, I said most) are of playful kind. And that is how most of fictional "Characters of great blod line that streaches several millennia" act. Frankly, I do not see it as such a big character flaw to get all uppity about it. Like, maybe it is me never being at the end of (major) racist/xenophobic remarks, but that does not seem that bad. Now you can argue, that them using that term to begin it, how ever small it may sound, makes them worst people and you being expected to like them is to big pill to swallow. This is where I will agree with you that "IMO" is really only way I can justify that to you. To me, there action such as welcoming you inside of there house (after you have beaten there ass, as it should be), giving you means to trade with them and access to there holy grounds seems to speak more about them than there use of term such us "you person that is not from here". At least to me.

I wouldnt exactly say the Kitsunes are bad, but it's always the same xenophobia in these Japan analogues that just plain gets boring, even if the whole Sakoku mess was a large part of their history. I think a new take would've been cool, even if it might stray away from the influence of Edo Japan

That is how people usually write there cultures, be they japanese or not. Rome is big and great (when you take out all caviats and actual, you know,problems with it), Athenes is full of smart and cultured people and so on and so on. But yeah, it does get tiering to see it. But as I said, I do not have problem with them or there concept. Now I am not that versed in Japanese culture. I only have some knowledge from anime/manga, books and some documentaries on it. But I do consider it an OK representation of some part of it, even if it just above skin deep. A lot of stuff, such as bathing etiquette, clothing and some parts of culture are so prominent in media. And I do not feel that you need to be that deep into a culture to represent it in your fiction. Now to criticize it, that is another thing. And I do feel there is something new in here, considering that Kitsune that we interact here are as much of an outsider to there own as we are to them. Them being part of a back water colony, as they call it, makes for some interesting conversations and such. While it still gets looped around to having to deal with honor and all that jizz, If it written enough to please me, I honestly can not explain. But honestly, I would like you to be more specific in your problems with it, since a lot of comments here feel vague.

 

[actualrealname]

I wouldnt exactly say the Kitsunes are bad, but it's always the same xenophobia in these Japan analogues that just plain gets boring, even if the whole Sakoku mess was a large part of their history. I think a new take would've been cool, even if it might stray away from the influence of Edo Japan

Ignoring the weirdness about their whole xenophobia only being like 100% justified (because you're an outsider who just beat the shit out of all their leaders and then started fucking nobility) or completely ridiculous because you're the chosen of their god, I just wish literally any other culture was used.

Why does it always have to be japan in these sort of things? Even just having the same generic xenophobia in a way less cliche group would make it feel way more interesting, to me at least. Take inspiration from morrowind or something, add something that actually feels alien instead of just "dude what if we added samurai?"

Do have to agree that a porn game is a weird vessel for the topic as a whole though, like they can be as snotty about it as they like, we all know they're gonna be fuckable eventually.