- Sep 2, 2018
- 578
- 797
- 152
Wow. Fucking wow, this game works hard to deserve 1 star!
The main menu's font choice, just... Look, just because I hate reading you don't have to make it hard to read! What's that last option? Concoct Loucose? I clicked on it without typing any IP on the box that's below it and the game froze. Man, you can build an entire church off the faith this dev puts in his players not to fuck up
Ok, so Cooooect Loooose freezes the game, let's see what's up in the Void.
I can cancel vibrations and override options of my... Lovense? OOOOOHHHH, you can use a Lovense thingy with this game!!! Silly me! I guess because I couldn't connect anything, those buttons also do nothing, but who knows, perhaps by randomly clicking stop vibrations, I am messing up a random camgirl's show or even a loving couple's hardcore BDSM play. In the middle we have Choose Model, which shows an empty frame with another button saying "No Model Selected". Well, uh, I was expecting the "choose model" to let me choose a model? Maybe they are hiding because they are shy? Maybe my overriding of options scared them away? I may never know, cults often kick me out before the first session is over.
Alright, what about the Character Story? Maybe it will offer something for my monkey brain to evaluate?
Intriguing. Snark aside, I suspect I have to unlock these things, but the fact that this placeholder text shows up at the top-left of the frame is not a good sign.
Welp, since I cannot check game settings, or even quit from the main menu, let us begin a new game!
WHAAAAAAAAAAT?? Lady, you'll have to speak up! I can't hear you when your speech bubble is too small!! Well, look at that, ESC brings a nice pause menu with, *gasp*, a Settings button!
Wow, now that's what I call efficient usage of available screen space. What? It IS efficient, look how much stuff could still fit there!
Ok, let's close this window with ESC and- Whoa, there, cowboy. Why was I expecting ESC to close the frame and get me back to the pause menu? Because that's obviously not how cults work, no, they will keep the settings frame over your screen and CLOSE the pause menu, letting you roam free with 90% of your vision obstructed! My illiterate monkey brain cannot comprehend the cultist train of thought.
Fine, moving forward, I find out that I am Max, a private detective. The game initially tried to make me believe I had to click on the text to advance, but no, I have been started into the cult and thus pressed ESC. As expected, the text window remained while allowing me full movement once more! I feel enlightened already!!
I advance to greet the lady that was saying something to me, only to be greeted with a fireball to the face. Ouch! After attempting to quell her fiery interest in my hard meat by pushing her to the water, decided to head towards the gate, where her twin sisters also attempted to make a bbq of my face. They succeeded, for my cultist initiation did not teach me how to open gates.
What they did not expect, however, was my ability to IGNORE DEATH BY PRESSING ESC ONCE MORE!!!! Unfortunately for me, I can't do much besides jumping. I can save the game, though! But not load, which is a bummer. So, I press B to restart... And nothing happens. Huh. Q works, but also Right Mouse button? Aha, it must be because Q is a short for Queuelt, while the mouse clicks, which has C and L, while "right" has T and mouse has "U", spelling CLTU- no, wait, CULT!! See, that's why *I* am Max, the private investigator!!
My fortuitous escapades find further fervor as my fingers fidget with an fierce flail of forward projection! Time to fight back against the fireball femmes! OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCKFUCKFUCK, SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO BEHEAD YOU, FUCKFUCKFUCK!!
I flee the crime scene faster than my own ejaculation I move onwards at a leisure pace as nothing suspicious has happened so far and come across a small pond with this waiting for me.
I am this close to noping the fuck out of this castle. All I need to do is fall on the water, which, to paraphrase some famous elder god, has neither collision nor physics, thus leading me to the sweet, sweet release of death by bottomless pit.
As another death takes me, I ignore it and press forward, reaching the entrance to some other place. Noticing that death has slowed the movement of my muscles, I check the settings to try and unstiffen them, increasing the mouse sensitivity. To my surprise, my cultish powers have completely overpowered my ability to close the frame. Yes, dear reader, the cult has sabotaged the "Back" button, as it no longer works, in order to ensure that I follow the cult's callous choices! Thus, nearly blinded, I find myself back at the "graveyard", as if this had been nothing but a fever dream.
For my display of faith in the cult, I am rewarded with the Zpeed of Zolomong, known for his Zig-Zagging up-left and up-right. Infused with this tremendous power, I find a jail within the graveyard where a busty, naked nun awaits me. However, I am once again foiled by the fickle necessities of reality, as a key is needed to part the bars before the nun can kneel and pray before her savior. Phasing through several tombstones and their charred, risen occupants that demand I stay a while for some hot coffee, I find and snag a key, but all those charred zombies that I ignored telephoned their neighbors and started picketing so I would sit down for hot coffee with them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't panic, because I did, which led to me fumbling with the keyring and its lone ring, finding myself unable to open up the cage of the faithful.
Yes, miss statue, that is my sentiment throughout as well.
The main menu's font choice, just... Look, just because I hate reading you don't have to make it hard to read! What's that last option? Concoct Loucose? I clicked on it without typing any IP on the box that's below it and the game froze. Man, you can build an entire church off the faith this dev puts in his players not to fuck up
Ok, so Cooooect Loooose freezes the game, let's see what's up in the Void.
I can cancel vibrations and override options of my... Lovense? OOOOOHHHH, you can use a Lovense thingy with this game!!! Silly me! I guess because I couldn't connect anything, those buttons also do nothing, but who knows, perhaps by randomly clicking stop vibrations, I am messing up a random camgirl's show or even a loving couple's hardcore BDSM play. In the middle we have Choose Model, which shows an empty frame with another button saying "No Model Selected". Well, uh, I was expecting the "choose model" to let me choose a model? Maybe they are hiding because they are shy? Maybe my overriding of options scared them away? I may never know, cults often kick me out before the first session is over.
Alright, what about the Character Story? Maybe it will offer something for my monkey brain to evaluate?
Intriguing. Snark aside, I suspect I have to unlock these things, but the fact that this placeholder text shows up at the top-left of the frame is not a good sign.
Welp, since I cannot check game settings, or even quit from the main menu, let us begin a new game!
WHAAAAAAAAAAT?? Lady, you'll have to speak up! I can't hear you when your speech bubble is too small!! Well, look at that, ESC brings a nice pause menu with, *gasp*, a Settings button!
Wow, now that's what I call efficient usage of available screen space. What? It IS efficient, look how much stuff could still fit there!
Ok, let's close this window with ESC and- Whoa, there, cowboy. Why was I expecting ESC to close the frame and get me back to the pause menu? Because that's obviously not how cults work, no, they will keep the settings frame over your screen and CLOSE the pause menu, letting you roam free with 90% of your vision obstructed! My illiterate monkey brain cannot comprehend the cultist train of thought.
Fine, moving forward, I find out that I am Max, a private detective. The game initially tried to make me believe I had to click on the text to advance, but no, I have been started into the cult and thus pressed ESC. As expected, the text window remained while allowing me full movement once more! I feel enlightened already!!
I advance to greet the lady that was saying something to me, only to be greeted with a fireball to the face. Ouch! After attempting to quell her fiery interest in my hard meat by pushing her to the water, decided to head towards the gate, where her twin sisters also attempted to make a bbq of my face. They succeeded, for my cultist initiation did not teach me how to open gates.
What they did not expect, however, was my ability to IGNORE DEATH BY PRESSING ESC ONCE MORE!!!! Unfortunately for me, I can't do much besides jumping. I can save the game, though! But not load, which is a bummer. So, I press B to restart... And nothing happens. Huh. Q works, but also Right Mouse button? Aha, it must be because Q is a short for Queuelt, while the mouse clicks, which has C and L, while "right" has T and mouse has "U", spelling CLTU- no, wait, CULT!! See, that's why *I* am Max, the private investigator!!
My fortuitous escapades find further fervor as my fingers fidget with an fierce flail of forward projection! Time to fight back against the fireball femmes! OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCKFUCKFUCK, SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO BEHEAD YOU, FUCKFUCKFUCK!!
I am this close to noping the fuck out of this castle. All I need to do is fall on the water, which, to paraphrase some famous elder god, has neither collision nor physics, thus leading me to the sweet, sweet release of death by bottomless pit.
As another death takes me, I ignore it and press forward, reaching the entrance to some other place. Noticing that death has slowed the movement of my muscles, I check the settings to try and unstiffen them, increasing the mouse sensitivity. To my surprise, my cultish powers have completely overpowered my ability to close the frame. Yes, dear reader, the cult has sabotaged the "Back" button, as it no longer works, in order to ensure that I follow the cult's callous choices! Thus, nearly blinded, I find myself back at the "graveyard", as if this had been nothing but a fever dream.
For my display of faith in the cult, I am rewarded with the Zpeed of Zolomong, known for his Zig-Zagging up-left and up-right. Infused with this tremendous power, I find a jail within the graveyard where a busty, naked nun awaits me. However, I am once again foiled by the fickle necessities of reality, as a key is needed to part the bars before the nun can kneel and pray before her savior. Phasing through several tombstones and their charred, risen occupants that demand I stay a while for some hot coffee, I find and snag a key, but all those charred zombies that I ignored telephoned their neighbors and started picketing so I would sit down for hot coffee with them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't panic, because I did, which led to me fumbling with the keyring and its lone ring, finding myself unable to open up the cage of the faithful.
Yes, miss statue, that is my sentiment throughout as well.
