I suggest you play your own game as if you know nothing and are having to piece things together. Read everything slowly and note changes you need to make so it is legible/understandable for people who are not in your brain, this doesn't mean changing the writing style or the jokes, but changing slight formating, otherwise things seem like they come out of left field, or jump from passive/passed voice to present/future and it is confusing.
I won't comment on the models chosen. The notebook faces, some are okay, others like halia and susan are squished or stretched.
Still unsure on the sleep apnea making the player be in school. Sleep walking sure. Apnea nope.
Julia makes them : (I understand what you are saying, but since the player didn't reference she does it a lot/normally then maybe change it to "makes it")
introducing me a show : introducing me to a show
from our tv show : from the tv show (our makes it sound like you star in it)
Your voice, but you look different : Your voice is similar, but
what is known of your situation : (reads a bit weird, and the MC should probably respond and ask what situation.)
The Watcher's : Watchers
demon race : (Are they demons or aliens? The icon shows a little green man.)
...player. The : (unsure if a different word instead of player was supposed to show here, being zero mention of games so far only a contest, thus no player)
The fade between poses in the game is a bit weird.
(Removal of girls memories, but Giles says nothing about his Mom or other female family, I only bring this up because I don't think Halia is in school with the MC, but she is mentioned.)
I wouldn't go that far... : (What wouldn't he go that far with?)
So how do I win? : (Giles doesn't actually explain what winning is here, just methods to get there.
if you choose : if you so choose/if you choose so/if you choose to do so
1. You build your : 1. Build up your
reach a girl's mind : (and do what?, needs more explanation, also why mention restoration of memories?)
Her tread : (This whole part sounds like she is walking on normal ground and somehow the MC can hear and smell her before she climbs in.)
The show's rather : The show is rather
(Another small point is they didn't remove the meories from Julia/Halia, but they should mention they changed them. Since Julia seems to think they are new attendants to the school too.)
I told mom : (whose mom, MC or Julia's?)
by the school greeting : by the arrival of the school (otherwise it is saying she is the greeting committee)
Abby Lews(Britney : (missing a space)
Lyra saying what? about locker number : (shouldn't this be Abby/Britney?)
Britney about parking spot?
Being allowed to audit classes seesm like info that should have been given by giles.
pick up my books for first class : pick up the books for my first class
on sold footing : solid
I've bumped into her : (mention MC drops his stuff, so when she picks it up it makes sense ahead of the action.)
the incrowd : in crowd
In photography Lincy asks if her own name is Sharon Brown? (she may be trying to hide her name, but why the question mark?)
During art/free period choice Lincy is in both.
Britney locker quest has Lyra talk as Lincy
The aubrey time, might want to make it more explicit that it is aubrey being julia being halia.
Then the next part becomes just weird.
The BJ animation in class not having text but still image does.
I probably missed a bunch of other things you will want to go over yourself with a fine toothed comb.
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Thanks Zenithtb, fixed but leaving this here to show I screwed up.
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