I know that if I had been dating Airi for even 3 months I would ask her to marry me. I don't even want sex with her I just want to be able to call her my wife and know she loves me. But she never would, because I am ugly, because I am an angry pathetic incel piece of shit, because I am a low T beta male, and because I am a cruel and petty and self-centered person. I try to be better but I fail over and over. I remember I used to wish that Airi would kill me. I dreamed of her ramming her staff up to the hilt in my belly and leaving me to die like the worthless shit that I am. I also dreamed of sacrificing myself for her in battle, because I am genetic trash and she is perfection in human form. I wish I could kiss her but I would only stain her lips, her dignity, her soul by doing so. Even my girlfriend deserves better, honestly. She deserves a man who doesn't hesitate to move in with her or marry her. My friends deserve someone better who doesn't be an asshole to them. It's a miracle I have so many friends. Airi deserves far more. In some fucked up way I wish I hated her. I wish I had never met Airi. But then I wouldn't have my girlfriend. I don't know how to feel because sometimes I wish the entire thing had never happened and that means i don't really love my girlfriend too? Or just Airi? Or what? I don't know what to think anymore and it doesn't really matter. If my girlfriend breaks up with me I'll have no reason to even have a job anymore, and then I"ll probably quit and live with my parents til they kick me out, then in my car, then when I run out of money I'll end it. I will never get to be with Airi. For her I would have done anything thoughtlessly, I would have bought a house I could barely afford, worked hours and hours, I would have married her, lived in a cabin in the forest with her, given her everything.