Important general writing advise: Show don’t tell.
Showing us, something is far more interesting than just telling us the information. Of course, you can’t always do this, but when you have done this, you don’t have to tell us that at the same time again. Like during the introduction of the MC. We can see that the girls raise their arm when their name is mentioned. We don’t need the MC to think about it too. That is not only less draining for the reader/player, but also reduces the amount you must write. Which means faster work with fewer chances to make mistakes.
Also, you don’t always have to mention everything. Like that Astrid doesn’t say her name once mentioned. Or when the MC thinks ‘Stop, how am I going to go if I don’t know anything here yet and once, I get out of this class, I could get lost in two walls.’ Not only can you expect that the reader/player still knows what was said for minutes ago, we would still see it once Mia shows us around. And you wouldn’t have made that mistakes with ‘get lost in two walls’, it’s just ‘get lost’.
There is lot of unnecessary text.
Try to avoid using the same adjective twice in a sentence. A mistake I often do too. Example from the game, ‘You have good potential to become a good athlete, [..]’. You could have written, ‘You have quite the potential to become a good athlete’. If I have trouble to think of another word I search online for synonyms. That usually helps.
The writing is a quite rocky. He got told that the principal hopes that the school becomes one of the top schools in Tokyo with the best clubs and during the next scene he is still thinks ‘I don’t know the principal of this school, but something tells me she’s aiming for great results.’ Mia basically told you that like two minutes ago, top.
Four clubs with a capacity of two each? Even in fantasy I can’t imagine a school that would open a club for just two people even if they are forced to open clubs. It also doesn’t seem to make sense regarding the prologue. If the clubs are opened to give the students opportunities to discover themselves and to find their way for their future, it doesn’t make sense to limit the club number to just two people. Especially if they must beat another school to increase that. That could mean that the worst school only has two person clubs which would not help with the greater problem.
The game makes it quite clear that it plays in Japan and I’m pretty sure that Japanese students would introduce them with their full name to a superior.
Some spelling mistakes. During the introduction of the MC, there is a whole word missing. ‘I wish each of you to find true and loyal friends, because school clubs member are kind of your soul mates, right? In the following sentence is also a mistake, [..] help you in difficult moment . There is a s missing. They will hopefully help in more than one difficult moment. A bit weird phrasing here and there.
Wouldn’t be a book club be referred as a literature club instead? Or is it a club about general knowledge? It sounds a bit like it, but who would be interested in such a club?
You don’t have to give us these non-options. If there would be just one choice, just do it and don’t offer is us.
The MC is such a weirdo. Mentioning the scent of your student after a game of ‘who am I’ instead something more normal, like that she is the only one that calls him master is just weird. Not to mention that it’s weird that he hasn’t said something about that already.
Ministry of Control, that is some dystopian nightmare material right here.
Is there actually a ‘Trainer’ function in the game where you raise the stats of the clubs and or girls or is that tag misleading? I haven’t gotten further as the end of day two yet and have not seen a stat overview in the menu.
