OK, I will be honest, I've been sitting for the past three years on a similar idea (and have wasted most of that time trying to figure out how to justify the MC/FMC relationship without it seeming abusive/creepy while keeping the spice), so I feel kinda, sorta, equipped to give some of my own reflections on this?
Keep in mind I am a damned perfectionist, so my methods tend to be rather extreme (making me often unable to finish or even properly start any project), so make with this what you will.
Let's see.
Alright, my general thoughts, after reading up until the end of the introductions in the classroom:
The dialogue feels dry, rushed, and unnatural, like you are trying to get through a chore of writing these characters, just to get done with it. MC comes off as an obsessive creep, and female characters, while dominant, are yet again committing the greatest - IMHO - sin of femdom and D/s smut in general: They fail at being likeable. I mean, sure - with how MC is behaving, that's sort of deserved, but for me, reading this, I don't identify
AS the MC. I identify as a person looking at this trainwreck of a relationship from the sidelines, and waiting until it inevitably derails itself.
Also, the renders are incredibly basic. If I were to compare them to something, it would be awkward family vacation photos, compared to professional artistic photography. I would suggest you play with the angles, close-ups and poses a bit more, instead of just going "Shot of a character just standing there" - "Reverse shot of the second character just standing there."
Oh, and the Mayushii's "Tutturu" sound is kinda jarring as well, I genuinely have no idea why you thought to include that.
Not a great first impression, to be perfectly frank.
That being said, I am by no means saying you should stop - but you
should polish your writing skills, first and foremost.
Sorry if I came off as harsh.
Wish you luck with the project.
EDIT: Also, just thought about it, but consider this: You don't need to have ~6 characters if you don't feel confident enough about writing all of them. It's absolutely fine to write something very simple with 2-3 characters, especially when you don't have much experience behind your belt.
OK, I will be honest, I've been sitting for the past three years on a similar idea (and have wasted most of that time trying to figure out how to justify the MC/FMC relationship without it seeming abusive/creepy while keeping the spice), so I feel kinda, sorta, equipped to give some of my own reflections on this?
Keep in mind I am a damned perfectionist, so my methods tend to be rather extreme (making me often unable to finish or even properly start any project), so make with this what you will.
Let's see.
Alright, my general thoughts, after reading up until the end of the introductions in the classroom:
The dialogue feels dry, rushed, and unnatural, like you are trying to get through a chore of writing these characters, just to get done with it. MC comes off as an obsessive creep, and female characters, while dominant, are yet again committing the greatest - IMHO - sin of femdom and D/s smut in general: They fail at being likeable. I mean, sure - with how MC is behaving, that's sort of deserved, but for me, reading this, I don't identify
AS the MC. I identify as a person looking at this trainwreck of a relationship from the sidelines, and waiting until it inevitably derails itself.
Also, the renders are incredibly basic. If I were to compare them to something, it would be awkward family vacation photos, compared to professional artistic photography. I would suggest you play with the angles, close-ups and poses a bit more, instead of just going "Shot of a character just standing there" - "Reverse shot of the second character just standing there."
Oh, and the Mayushii's "Tutturu" sound is kinda jarring as well, I genuinely have no idea why you thought to include that.
Not a great first impression, to be perfectly frank.
That being said, I am by no means saying you should stop - but you
should polish your writing skills, first and foremost.
Sorry if I came off as harsh.
Wish you luck with the project.
EDIT: Also, just thought about it, but consider this: You don't need to have ~6 characters if you don't feel confident enough about writing all of them. It's absolutely fine to write something very simple with 2-3 characters, especially when you don't have much experience behind your belt.
1. Dialogues and Pacing
You’re absolutely right that some dialogues might feel rushed or lacking in emotion. This is mainly because I was eager to quickly finish the prologue and move on to the parts of the story that excite me most. However, I don’t entirely agree that all the dialogues are emotionless—I did try to ensure there was some depth. That said, I recognize there’s room for improvement, and your feedback is valuable for refining this.
2. MC’s Obsession
I fully understand your concerns about the MC’s behavior seeming obsessive. However, this was an intentional choice. The MC’s fixation on Mine reflects a specific dynamic I wanted to explore, inspired partly by personal experiences. From the start of development, I envisioned the MC as someone who becomes deeply attached to Mine. While this trait might come across as concerning, it’s central to his character arc and the story’s themes. That said, I appreciate your perspective and will consider balancing this portrayal.
3. Supporting Characters and Their Depth
You’ve only encountered Riri so far, which might make the overall cast feel one-dimensional. But characters like Pamela and Catherine have vastly different personalities and motivations. Riri, for instance, harbors deep resentment toward men due to her past, which heavily influences her actions and dialogue. Mine, on the other hand, expresses her feelings through femdom rather than outright hostility—a nuance that hasn’t yet been revealed in the current version. Catherine fits the archetype of a tall, athletic, and confident woman, often seen in femdom stories. I haven’t fully fleshed these traits out in the game yet, but they’re integral to their personalities.
4. Improving Visuals and Expressions
I completely agree with your critique about character expressions and poses. This is an area I’m determined to improve upon. However, as someone whose first language isn’t English, navigating tutorials and learning resources for the studio program I use can be quite challenging. Most of what I know comes from trial and error, and while I can communicate in writing reasonably well, I struggle with live conversations or networking in English. Despite this, I’m committed to improving these aspects of my game. Your feedback motivates me to tackle these weaknesses head-on.
5. Sound Design
The sound during the character introduction scene may indeed feel odd, and I understand your reaction. Initially, there was no sound in this segment, but it felt too empty, so I decided to add something. I’ll revisit this section to make it more cohesive in the next update.
6. School Setting and Story Progression
You’re correct that the school setting might seem unnecessary at first. However, it plays a crucial role in setting up the story’s future developments. While I could’ve started with just MC and Mine, introducing a broader environment allows for more complex interactions later. I believe the story will surprise you as it evolves in version 1.1, especially when Mine’s narrative becomes more prominent.
7. Logical Flaws
You’re absolutely right about the logical issue with the teacher's introduction. I’ll address this in the first update to ensure the flow is more natural.
8. Character Ages
Not all characters are 18; some are 19. However, since anime-style art often attracts scrutiny, I included this information upfront to avoid misunderstandings. My previous game faced criticism for loli-style designs, even though all characters were above 18. This precaution was meant to address that.
9. Dominant/Submissive Labels and Flags
I appreciate your suggestion about letting MC discover the characters’ dominant and submissive traits over time. While I agree this approach could enhance the narrative, I also feel it’s important for players to understand the characters’ dynamics early on, given the game’s intended direction. Regarding the flags, they reflect aspects of the characters' identities often celebrated within the femdom community. While I understand your concerns about political associations, my target audience is likely to appreciate these details rather than be bothered by them. Still, I’ll keep this feedback in mind.
10. Tommy’s Role and the Teacher’s Response
Tommy’s treatment as an unimportant character is deliberate. He’s designed to be a minor, disliked figure who facilitates transitions between scenes. The teacher’s apparent indifference to him reflects this intent rather than being a writing oversight.
11. MC’s Inner Thoughts
While MC’s internal thoughts might seem extreme, they reflect the mindset of someone deeply interested in femdom. These aren’t actions he’d ever voice aloud or act on immediately—they’re private fantasies. For those who enjoy this genre, such thoughts might feel relatable rather than off-putting. That said, I understand the need to pace the story more gradually and will work on this balance in future updates.
0
Final Note
Thank you so much for your detailed critique. It’s clear you’ve given the game thoughtful consideration, and your insights will help me make it better. I’m excited about where the story is headed and hope future updates will address your concerns while also surprising and engaging you.
