My feelings about Succubi Campers (the quest)
Today, after completing Silent Hill 2, I realized what the protagonist of Monster Girl Dreams meant during the events of the Succubi Campers event meant. He is not a naive dumbass who is a slave of pleasure, thinking of too cheaply of his life, or is too trusting of people (wait, maybe he
is?) as the lines may have misled some – including me. Rather, this reveals the true depth of his character: that he was already at peace with himself, willingly embraced his own vulnerabilty and mortality. Moreso, he must have held onto hope to the very end and placed trust that the Heather and Jennifer will learn from carelessness, and most importantly, that Catherine will be able to lead a life atoning to make use of the life she has taken and maybe be able to forgive herself. Both of those culminate in him accepting his possible untimely death, perhaps even thankful it may have ended quickly and in pleasure, as well as immediately forgiving Catherine – it’s just that the delivery of his thoughts was scuffed and ended up sounding insensitive or even being cruel towards those who love him – but I think they understood what he meant and why Catherine ended up feeling empowered. If this is intended by the author, then this must be one of the deepest events in the game and proves that the protagonist is deserving of being the Hero.
Then again, it doesn’t make sense for the same person to
potentially choose to act cruelly towards Perpetua or Jora, but I guess the point is the hero is sort of a blank slate for the player to interpret in any way. I think it’s intriguing how the reasoning and meaning behind the protagonist’s behavior can change depending on how you interpret his character.
I first played MGD 10 months ago, and after playing that event I have been continually obsessed with it until this day. The tragedy that occurred can permanently destroy both the victim, whether they survive or not, and the assailant. If the view of Catherine staring straight through your soul fucked you up, then I don’t know what it means to experience it in person, and the fact that this happens in intimate scenarios only make this even more macabre. It’s hard to face Catherine when that face has been imprinted in my mind.
But what ended up frustrating me the most wasn’t the tragedy, but rather how the characters seemingly behaved so insensitively during and after the events, especially at the end of the event: the protagonist received a half-assed apology letter from them as well as a measly 1000 Ero from Vivian. To me, those items seemed like they treated what happened as a joke. Unless they somehow believe that those items are even remotely comparable to what he went through? Do they not know how bad that destroys the mental? But now, I have thought of an explanation: the protagonist seemed fine, and they didn’t want to delve on it too much either, so they didn’t believe further actions are necessary and decided to pretend it didn’t happen, and so I don’t think that was hush money, either. But the compensation ended up feeling so cheap and half-assed to the point of being insulting to me. Even though I don’t think they did that intentionally, I’d rather they didn’t do that at all.
It ended up sort of traumatizing me, so much so that I did not dare to replay the event to this very moment. My recent revelation has cleared up some of it and made me see the protagonist in a much better light. Yet what feels disturbing to me remains: despite the event messing me up, the player, up, the characters, apart from Catherine, were seemingly
unmoved by what had happened. Afterwards, I felt like my understanding of the world kind of broke: whether this behavior is considered acceptable by its inhabitants, whether the mentioned harsh punishment of trespassers is just when Catherine deserves forgiveness, how serious I should take heavy topics in the game. For the longest time I have been wondering whether I or the characters were in the wrong, but by now I guess the answer is neither.
This would have been the paragraph where I tried to explain the purpose of the event but I’m refraining for the time being. I came up with a logical explanation for all of it, so it will just be my subjective experience from now on. As a player, I ended up feeling depressed and unsatisfactory due to the dissociation between how the characters feel and how I feel, leading to a feeling that a closure was missing; I don’t think we got to know how the other characters feel towards the event and what it meant to them, and I really wish we could, maybe in the future when more content are added.
On the other hand, as a person I was left feeling helpless, paranoid, weak, alienated, resentful, jealous… you name it. It made every moment I spent playing the game feels like a hell where I’m trapped it inside of (which is true for the PC because of the debt), save for several locations where things are ‘simpler’ like Jora’s quest or the Sliem Vllage(?). Yet, I’m not a character, I’m a person in the real world. No one in the game is going to help me face my feelings or give me answers, I have to find them on my own or somewhere else. Regardless, I kept on playing, half because I just wanted to play the game, half because I was looking for answers I should have known couldn’t have been there. And to no one’s surprise, the ensuing events proceed to further torment and prey on my horrors as I continue to suffer from dissociation while I ruminate on the purpose of the PC progressing through these trials (which I know the PC don’t suffer from because he isn’t me), culminating in the Dark Perpetua boss battle, where, again, I am alienated, no one is coming to help even when I lose, and the country falls if I do, but when I do I was reward with a ‘surprising welcome’ and literally nothing else – though that what the boss battle intended. Though I came to resent Lucidia, I managed to deal with my emotions, attempted to understand their point of view and the workings of this place in general, those emotions have faded overtime, and even though they still lingers, since then I have grown as a person and have been in a much better headspace and be much more capable of accepting reality, including learning to stand up for myself.
Because Silent Hill 2 had encouraged me to face all of my feelings, I inadvertently ended up understanding what the PC could have meant in that event and attempted to final sort out my understanding of the event. But it also caused my unresolved emotions towards this event to rise again and once I am left feeling choked by those same emotions, like all the willpower that I had gradually got drained out. And it’s because that dissociation still remains. In the past I intended to resolve this in the future when I have a bit more free time, maybe even write some fanfiction… But now I feel like I’m so close yet so far, I wonder if I will ever be free from this event. The thought makes me feel so tired.
So please, it would be if someone could help me in some way, maybe tell me how you felt too, what you believe to be the closure, if there are any? Yeah, this kind of a cry for help.
This is the first time I have aired out so much of my feelings to anyone, and even though I didn’t intend for the text to be this long; if anyone had read this top to bottom, I am truly grateful.