Although I like the idea and the art, the writing makes it unplayable for me.
It's written in a novel style prose that doesn't work well for a visual medium. The prose itself also has major problems which are magnified for a visual medium.
Example:
"I'm as nervous as a newbie," he said out loud with a rueful chuckle. Taking another deep breath, the dark-haired man picked up his jammer, in case she had recording devices in her house, and put his game face on. "Let's do this," he growled, getting out of the car with his folder of evidence.
* Show, don't tell
The reader is told the character is nervous (by the character himself no less). Then he takes a deep breath -- a sign of being nervous -- making the telling redundant altogether.
* Redundant details
"he said out loud" is redundant. Saying something means saying it out loud.
In a visual medium "the dark haired man" is offensively redundant since we see the man depicted. As is the use of dialogue tags. (Tags like "he growled" should be avoided at all costs.)
* On the nose writing
Since he visits her house we assume he got out of the car. We don't need to be told that.
* Excessive descriptions
Do we really need to be told he put his game face on?
The part with the jammer is out of place. Either have it as a proper narrative point or leave it out altogether.
Writing economy is especially important in visual mediums. The writing should seamlessly complement the scenes, not weigh them down, getting in the way of immersion. Reading several paragraphs of this type of prose for every scene is too grueling for me.
It's written in a novel style prose that doesn't work well for a visual medium. The prose itself also has major problems which are magnified for a visual medium.
Example:
"I'm as nervous as a newbie," he said out loud with a rueful chuckle. Taking another deep breath, the dark-haired man picked up his jammer, in case she had recording devices in her house, and put his game face on. "Let's do this," he growled, getting out of the car with his folder of evidence.
* Show, don't tell
The reader is told the character is nervous (by the character himself no less). Then he takes a deep breath -- a sign of being nervous -- making the telling redundant altogether.
* Redundant details
"he said out loud" is redundant. Saying something means saying it out loud.
In a visual medium "the dark haired man" is offensively redundant since we see the man depicted. As is the use of dialogue tags. (Tags like "he growled" should be avoided at all costs.)
* On the nose writing
Since he visits her house we assume he got out of the car. We don't need to be told that.
* Excessive descriptions
Do we really need to be told he put his game face on?
The part with the jammer is out of place. Either have it as a proper narrative point or leave it out altogether.
Writing economy is especially important in visual mediums. The writing should seamlessly complement the scenes, not weigh them down, getting in the way of immersion. Reading several paragraphs of this type of prose for every scene is too grueling for me.