VN Ren'Py Pecker PI [v0.4] [MrPocketRocket]

[LinkBox88]

Writing is quite good! It would be nice to have a bit more lewd content at this stage. The few scenes that exist are kind of rushed and feel a bit detached so the hot-meter never reaches very high.

If I could make one note. For it having a film noire/PI theme, it never really feels like the stakes are very high. Even when our MC get into fights, conflicts and the like the mood just stays kinda lighthearted and comedic. You would expect a bit more of a sense of tension in this kind of story. Making those darker elements a bit more serious would give us a break from the comedy that would help us appreciate that comedy more.

 

[MrPocketRocket]

Writing is quite good! It would be nice to have a bit more lewd content at this stage. The few scenes that exist are kind of rushed and feel a bit detached so the hot-meter never reaches very high.

If I could make one note. For it having a film noire/PI theme, it never really feels like the stakes are very high. Even when our MC get into fights, conflicts and the like the mood just stays kinda lighthearted and comedic. You would expect a bit more of a sense of tension in this kind of story. Making those darker elements a bit more serious would give us a break from the comedy that would help us appreciate that comedy more.

Next chapter is planned to have more lewd scenes. I have to go back and work on all the animation (most are not what I would call quality animations and I'm still figuring it out), so I will extend the scenes already there and continue in that fashion (this was something that I had thought about, so I agree).

I can see your point with giving the lighthearted scenes a counter point. There will be scenes (that are not flashbacks) that have higher stakes, but they aren't planned until closer to chapters 9 & 10. However, I don't think it's a bad idea to have a bit of balance, and it will be easier to achieve the deeper into the case we get.

Thank you!

ps Fun fact, I was making traditional animation when I was 9, but can't seem to quite get it right in DAZ many years later.

 

[MaxRichard]

Next chapter is planned to have more lewd scenes. I have to go back and work on all the animation (most are not what I would call quality animations and I'm still figuring it out), so I will extend the scenes already there and continue in that fashion (this was something that I had thought about, so I agree).

I can see your point with giving the lighthearted scenes a counter point. There will be scenes (that are not flashbacks) that have higher stakes, but they aren't planned until closer to chapters 9 & 10. However, I don't think it's a bad idea to have a bit of balance, and it will be easier to achieve the deeper into the case we get.

Thank you!

ps Fun fact, I was making traditional animation when I was 9, but can't seem to quite get it right in DAZ many years later.

It's awesome to see a dev engaged here, just wanted to throw that out there. Thanks for participating

I do agree with LinkBox88's comment. Part of me wonders what the story would look like if by this point Gabrielle had been murdered, Mike had been beaten up by some criminals, MC had gotten shot, etc. I think "noir" sort of implies more crying, more blood and fewer smiles all around. But it's your AVN, so you're the boss.

Incidentally I think this is why the jazz club scene is my favorite so far. There's an extra layer of "mood" there that is not as present in the rest of the story and other settings.

Looking forward to see how the story unfolds and stakes get higher. Thanks for the great title!

 

[MrPocketRocket]

It's awesome to see a dev engaged here, just wanted to throw that out there. Thanks for participating

I do agree with LinkBox88's comment. Part of me wonders what the story would look like if by this point Gabrielle had been murdered, Mike had been beaten up by some criminals, MC had gotten shot, etc. I think "noir" sort of implies more crying, more blood and fewer smiles all around. But it's your AVN, so you're the boss.

Incidentally I think this is why the jazz club scene is my favorite so far. There's an extra layer of "mood" there that is not as present in the rest of the story and other settings.

Looking forward to see how the story unfolds and stakes get higher. Thanks for the great title!

Well, I think now that we have shaken some of the initial comments that were not particularly productive, I love to engage with those who genuinely like the project. I will always listen to good ideas/comments (and most are things that I have considered or had a sense that I should fix) ...I may disagree in some regards and I think that's just par for the course. Obviously it is not a true noir, it was never my intention to make it that as it would be a whole lot darker both in story and in look. I like the slightly goofy world that I'm creating...it's my natural inclination

I'm not going to divulge any story points, but you came awfully close with one or two of your suggestions. Will I ever kill Gabrielle? Not a chance! But next chapter will at least introduce guns (they won't be fired yet), which will make some of the interactions more tense and harder to get out of for the MC...who happens to be a terrible shot despite having been to war (the irony!.

I appreciate your positivity!

 

[Bruce F. Lee]

Well, I think now that we have shaken some of the initial comments that were not particularly productive, I love to engage with those who genuinely like the project. I will always listen to good ideas/comments (and most are things that I have considered or had a sense that I should fix) ...I may disagree in some regards and I think that's just par for the course. Obviously it is not a true noir, it was never my intention to make it that as it would be a whole lot darker both in story and in look. I like the slightly goofy world that I'm creating...it's my natural inclination

I'm not going to divulge any story points, but you came awfully close with one or two of your suggestions. Will I ever kill Gabrielle? Not a chance! But next chapter will at least introduce guns (they won't be fired yet), which will make some of the interactions more tense and harder to get out of for the MC...who happens to be a terrible shot despite having been to war (the irony!.

I appreciate your positivity!

Regarding the genre, I just left a positive review where I call it a mashup. I think it's a clever approach that allows you to avoid some of the hardboiled noir cliches and take advantage of the varying qualities of different time periods. The writing and storyline are both very strong. The MC may not have faced a significant threat yet, but given who he is messing with, it seems certain to be coming soon.

I love your use of facial expressions! One of my biggest pet peeves with visual novels is when developers fail to take advantage of the medium. Don't tell me what a love interest is thinking; show me. Nothing makes me delete a VN faster than walls of explanatory text.

I have one suggestion for improvement that you've already acknowledged, which is the quality of the lewd scenes so far (or fappability). I think the animation quality is part of it, but I don't think it's the only part. Lewd scenes are an area where some descriptive text can help set and maintain the mood. The buildup to the scene and it's length are also important factors. The scene can be a quickie, but the scene shouldn't be too quick. You can slow down the time during the initial moments to build some tension--linger on an initial look, the reaction to it, etc.--before going all in.

Those are just my two cents. Overall I enjoyed it immensely and I'm definitely looking forward to more.

 

[MrPocketRocket]

Regarding the genre, I just left a positive review where I call it a mashup. I think it's a clever approach that allows you to avoid some of the hardboiled noir cliches and take advantage of the varying qualities of different time periods. The writing and storyline are both very strong. The MC may not have faced a significant threat yet, but given who he is messing with, it seems certain to be coming soon.

I love your use of facial expressions! One of my biggest pet peeves with visual novels is when developers fail to take advantage of the medium. Don't tell me what a love interest is thinking; show me. Nothing makes me delete a VN faster than walls of explanatory text.

I have one suggestion for improvement that you've already acknowledged, which is the quality of the lewd scenes so far (or fappability). I think the animation quality is part of it, but I don't think it's the only part. Lewd scenes are an area where some descriptive text can help set and maintain the mood. The buildup to the scene and it's length are also important factors. The scene can be a quickie, but the scene shouldn't be too quick. You can slow down the time during the initial moments to build some tension--linger on an initial look, the reaction to it, etc.--before going all in.

Those are just my two cents. Overall I enjoyed it immensely and I'm definitely looking forward to more.

Thank you for the positive review first of all. It matters. As far as the mashup, it is as you mentioned, intentional. To be true to the time frame, I would have to use derogatory language for every character that isn't a white male and that doesn't feel like a universe in which I like to operate (being a white male myself). Plus the LIs would be frightfully homogenous by race and character.

I agree with the lewd scenes entirely. I need to stretch them out (no pun intended, or maybe?). There will also be more of it as we go (obviously, but with the real romantic LIs it needs to take some time. The main LIs will be there for however many episodes I decide to make Pecker PI, so a little slow burn is good, I think. Next episode will have some pretty serious relationship build with Gabrielle, and a lead in to scenes with Danielle along with a couple of scenes with Det. Turis & Josephine.

I'm happy you enjoyed it!