- Nov 29, 2020
- 103
- 57
- Thread starter Prvrt Ekko
- Start date
- Mar 29, 2021
- 37
- 35
Ey! What it do meng! Icha boi!
Here are my current thoughts on your game. If my words sounded harsh, then I apologize in advance. That being said, my aim is to provide you with details that you can use to further improve your game.
Naturally, since I'm no pro, you can take my words with a grain of salt.
That being said, let's go!!!
[Menus and technicalities]
+Main Menu has music so that's a plus
+Main Menu does not use the base design! Another plus
[Music]
+Happy to see it has music!
+Happy to see it also has sound effects!
***Good choices of music especially of the gang scenes, always making me jam along.
[Effects]
+Simple transitions
+Cool animations
***Nothing really to harp here
[Plot]
For plotting, I usually cut a whole chapter into scenes and then further cut scenes into three parts:
1. Character wants X
2. But X happens
3. Therefore Character does X
This probably looks a bit stiff for story telling but it certainly is a comfortable method for ME when trying to convey something in a story. (you don't want to create scenes that don't have any purpose after all.)
Aside from that, I also cut the WHOLE story into main plots and sub-plots. This way I can keep track of the important details that might affect the character and the story.
Since the game is long, I decided to take 3 parts (Both sub-plot and Main-plot) and dissected them with explanations!
Main Plots as of now: Mc is your everyday pervert, showing how the people and environment reacted around him and the troubles he got into > Gets smacked and must live his life by hiding his secret identity and the troubles that come with it > Gets kidnapped and learns a bit of his past oh and he's a gangster now.
SCENE ONE
1. Character wants to check out the girl's bathroom
2. But he was forced to bring in ya boi Rick, but sadly he didn't and enjoyed the show.
3. Therefore gets caught and experiences a heart attack. (AKA Karma)
*** So far so good, simple and clear. The scene showed the character's personality, some of the supporting main casts and the setting where he resides. A strict school, some quirky friends, and a horny MC, ya can't really miss it.
Scene TWO
1. Character woke up thinking he got caught.
2. But he actually didn't, they thought he was just being bullied, Thanks Filo! However, the Principal knew the truth and wanted some action from the MC.
3. Therefore he fudged the principal and they became close. The MC finally losses his virginity, gets a vacation of 1 week, and slept at the principal's house.
*** To be honest I got lost on this one. The reason for the MC's excuse was pitch-perfect and funny at the same time, I expected the story to turn into a 'misunderstanding' type of comedy. (IE. MC is getting bullied, let's investigate.)
But that doesn't seem to be the case, the principal knew the truth but it didn't make sense for them to suddenly get into action just because of some candy.
No worries though! I understand the reasoning for the Sex-scene, the girls in the game are hot after all! Who wouldn't want to see some action? Hence it is excusable, that being said, there were some details added into the mix that didn't even matter in the end: Such as the 1-week vacation and Sleeping at the principal's house.
I don't think anything significant happened on the vacation, in fact, the MC himself got bored of it and decided to attend school anyways. As for the MC sleeping at Gina's house, nothing really important was revealed, aside from making Filo worried I think...
It also made me question does Gina already liked the MC? Otherwise, she would've reacted violently once she returns to normal after the love candy effects have subsided.
SCENE THREE
1.Character Decided to watch a based meteor fall from the skies.
2.But he got smacked by SUV sedan-chan, sadly, she failed to send the MC to Mushoko Tensei hence he became a discount Rudius Grayrat.
3.He decided to live a new life with his new look, naturally, while hiding his real identity.
***The build-up for the event was amazing, it encompasses everything into a structure that shows the normal life of the MC and then pushes the story into disarray through an accident, showing what happens after the event. After that, to be honest, I just kept skipping the other scenes and dialogues because I'm more curious as to what happens on the MC and the reaction/actions of his friends.
Anything that is not about the MC and how it affected his friends are skipped. (By the way, Rick becoming a gang leader is cool!)
IN CONCLUSION: The author certainly has a degree of competency in storytelling. Weaving comedic and serious tones together to keep the reader entertained and engaged. Naturally, there are parts that come off a tad too much but it's forgivable and ignorable since I was engaged and entertained most of the time. Great job! And keep going! It will be up to the author whether he'll tone down the crazy moments, and that's fine for me.
Sub-plots:
Filontrophist
1. Character wants to [insert something] to Filo
2. But she's just too damn scary, mysterious and violent.
3. Character is scared to commit to her and must find a way to make peace with her. (I think?)
*** The Tsundere, cool and mysterious so I don't have qualms about her plot, but I'm damn sure waiting for a payout. Since nothing much was revealed about her story, aside from being a stepsister, can't really go on too much about this.
Rick the adoring fan/the Mafioso
1. Rick wants to know the secrets of MC and become a peek god like.
2. MC suddenly disappears, shattering his dreams of becoming a peek god.
3. He becomes a Mafiosa instead, although a Sacrificial Mafioso since he's the one taking the charges.
*** I loved this plot, although it is a bit rushed and the ending was rather abrupt, the MC and Rick could have interacted with each other and made Rick doubt 'What if he's actually him? and on the last scene before he dies, he finally recognizes him, only to be head shotted.' So I can shed manly tears for my boi Rick. That being said, loved the Gangster sub-plot! Great job on this one!
The K-pop group
1. The group wants to be recognized as the top dog group of the town.
2. But they can't do it yet since they are weak and small. Resorting to only petty crimes.
3. hence they Employed, Rick and turned him into Don Mafioso so they can do more crimes without being blamed for it and maybe reach peekvana.
*** I loved this plot as well, the introduction of the Group was cool, although I wasn't a fan of its long monologue about Rick. The wide variety of characters introduced here is cool and I'll be happy to see what the group does or how the group ends.
IN CONCLUSION: I like the sub-plots ASIDE from Gina, Vhaj and how they are fighting for the MC, simply because I'm more interested on the other ones. The author is definitely creative with his choices, to the point that he's probably doing a tad too much sub-plotting but hey if they are entertaining then why not?
[Characters] (I usually list the one's here that I, personally and regardless of the plot, found important or interesting!)
Filo: Tsundere, This is my first impression of her and she's probably a bit too hateful. I saw the dev's remark of Filo, being the MC's gauge of growth and that's fine if that's your intent. But if you'd like to hear my thoughts, I think she's too hateful and doesn't show ANY mellowness to the MC. (Even if he got into an accident - she just kept cursing him into not dying, maybe a simple statement of 'Don't leave me, you've promised that you'll stay with me right?' while the MC is slowly losing consciousness would make her look good in my eyes.)
Too much spice! Needs some fluff! Basically, show some reasons why she's behaving that rough to the MC. We've been into 3 chapters and nothing was shown about her or what made her like that, hence people are naturally upset at her. (But I'm sure she'll get her arc!)
Ash: Waifu material. I love her character and how she shows a balance of hate and love to the MC. She's basically Filo but better. She likes the MC but not too much that it is unreasonable, she can be mean to him but mellow when required, and she probably knows that Rudius is Rudy due to his behaviors. I'll definitely watch out for her Character arc and why she's attached to the MC.
Rick: The friend we didn't want but we deserved. This is definitely the Dev's representation of humor: over the top, crazy, weird, and unpredictable. Liked him all around and how he changed into a shit and pissing boy, into a Mafioso. His arc is definitely a bit rushed but that's fine. Rest in peace brother, I'll be sure to turn you into ash and leave you in the sacred place you've always desired...... the girl's bathroom.
Orisse: Typical strict girl with weakness to sexual stuff. Not really sure why she banged the MC but hey! That's fine! Kidding aside, all I know is that she seems to be under the command of someone or something?
Wendy: Orisse's Imouto, typical Ojousama type: Bratty and easy to read. She likes MC, wants to compete with her sister for attention, and that's what I know for now.
Allyssa: The respected bishoujo introvert, seems like she has something going on with her family. Her over-the-top Laughter is very similar to Yukiko of Persona 4. Not much to think yet aside from she looks cool, hot, and interesting.
The twins: [Mood Normal - Fuck! Kyahahahaha!!] [Mood Stressed - !ahahahahayK !kcuF] , definitely stuck out to me and there seems to be more about them. I mean they killed their mom bro. Will definitely be on the watch out for them.
Carlos and Q: Hot and Edgy dudes, Cool design and introduction. Not much is known of them aside from Q having a political father and Carlos being reliant on Q.
IN CONCLUSION: A colorful and wide variety of characters, Kudos to the dev for also giving them different looks and personalities! That being said, a word of warning to the dev, make sure that the characters have a role in the story, whether it be a simple bystander, an enemy of the MC, or an ally. Having a character that's just there for the sake of being there is very noticeable. (which is Ironic!)
*********
All in all, I hope this helped! Looking forward to what you'll do!
Here are my current thoughts on your game. If my words sounded harsh, then I apologize in advance. That being said, my aim is to provide you with details that you can use to further improve your game.
Naturally, since I'm no pro, you can take my words with a grain of salt.
That being said, let's go!!!
[Menus and technicalities]
+Main Menu has music so that's a plus
+Main Menu does not use the base design! Another plus
[Music]
+Happy to see it has music!
+Happy to see it also has sound effects!
***Good choices of music especially of the gang scenes, always making me jam along.
[Effects]
+Simple transitions
+Cool animations
***Nothing really to harp here
[Plot]
For plotting, I usually cut a whole chapter into scenes and then further cut scenes into three parts:
1. Character wants X
2. But X happens
3. Therefore Character does X
This probably looks a bit stiff for story telling but it certainly is a comfortable method for ME when trying to convey something in a story. (you don't want to create scenes that don't have any purpose after all.)
Aside from that, I also cut the WHOLE story into main plots and sub-plots. This way I can keep track of the important details that might affect the character and the story.
Since the game is long, I decided to take 3 parts (Both sub-plot and Main-plot) and dissected them with explanations!
Main Plots as of now: Mc is your everyday pervert, showing how the people and environment reacted around him and the troubles he got into > Gets smacked and must live his life by hiding his secret identity and the troubles that come with it > Gets kidnapped and learns a bit of his past oh and he's a gangster now.
SCENE ONE
1. Character wants to check out the girl's bathroom
2. But he was forced to bring in ya boi Rick, but sadly he didn't and enjoyed the show.
3. Therefore gets caught and experiences a heart attack. (AKA Karma)
*** So far so good, simple and clear. The scene showed the character's personality, some of the supporting main casts and the setting where he resides. A strict school, some quirky friends, and a horny MC, ya can't really miss it.
Scene TWO
1. Character woke up thinking he got caught.
2. But he actually didn't, they thought he was just being bullied, Thanks Filo! However, the Principal knew the truth and wanted some action from the MC.
3. Therefore he fudged the principal and they became close. The MC finally losses his virginity, gets a vacation of 1 week, and slept at the principal's house.
*** To be honest I got lost on this one. The reason for the MC's excuse was pitch-perfect and funny at the same time, I expected the story to turn into a 'misunderstanding' type of comedy. (IE. MC is getting bullied, let's investigate.)
But that doesn't seem to be the case, the principal knew the truth but it didn't make sense for them to suddenly get into action just because of some candy.
No worries though! I understand the reasoning for the Sex-scene, the girls in the game are hot after all! Who wouldn't want to see some action? Hence it is excusable, that being said, there were some details added into the mix that didn't even matter in the end: Such as the 1-week vacation and Sleeping at the principal's house.
I don't think anything significant happened on the vacation, in fact, the MC himself got bored of it and decided to attend school anyways. As for the MC sleeping at Gina's house, nothing really important was revealed, aside from making Filo worried I think...
It also made me question does Gina already liked the MC? Otherwise, she would've reacted violently once she returns to normal after the love candy effects have subsided.
SCENE THREE
1.Character Decided to watch a based meteor fall from the skies.
2.But he got smacked by SUV sedan-chan, sadly, she failed to send the MC to Mushoko Tensei hence he became a discount Rudius Grayrat.
3.He decided to live a new life with his new look, naturally, while hiding his real identity.
***The build-up for the event was amazing, it encompasses everything into a structure that shows the normal life of the MC and then pushes the story into disarray through an accident, showing what happens after the event. After that, to be honest, I just kept skipping the other scenes and dialogues because I'm more curious as to what happens on the MC and the reaction/actions of his friends.
Anything that is not about the MC and how it affected his friends are skipped. (By the way, Rick becoming a gang leader is cool!)
IN CONCLUSION: The author certainly has a degree of competency in storytelling. Weaving comedic and serious tones together to keep the reader entertained and engaged. Naturally, there are parts that come off a tad too much but it's forgivable and ignorable since I was engaged and entertained most of the time. Great job! And keep going! It will be up to the author whether he'll tone down the crazy moments, and that's fine for me.
Sub-plots:
Filontrophist
1. Character wants to [insert something] to Filo
2. But she's just too damn scary, mysterious and violent.
3. Character is scared to commit to her and must find a way to make peace with her. (I think?)
*** The Tsundere, cool and mysterious so I don't have qualms about her plot, but I'm damn sure waiting for a payout. Since nothing much was revealed about her story, aside from being a stepsister, can't really go on too much about this.
Rick the adoring fan/the Mafioso
1. Rick wants to know the secrets of MC and become a peek god like.
2. MC suddenly disappears, shattering his dreams of becoming a peek god.
3. He becomes a Mafiosa instead, although a Sacrificial Mafioso since he's the one taking the charges.
*** I loved this plot, although it is a bit rushed and the ending was rather abrupt, the MC and Rick could have interacted with each other and made Rick doubt 'What if he's actually him? and on the last scene before he dies, he finally recognizes him, only to be head shotted.' So I can shed manly tears for my boi Rick. That being said, loved the Gangster sub-plot! Great job on this one!
The K-pop group
1. The group wants to be recognized as the top dog group of the town.
2. But they can't do it yet since they are weak and small. Resorting to only petty crimes.
3. hence they Employed, Rick and turned him into Don Mafioso so they can do more crimes without being blamed for it and maybe reach peekvana.
*** I loved this plot as well, the introduction of the Group was cool, although I wasn't a fan of its long monologue about Rick. The wide variety of characters introduced here is cool and I'll be happy to see what the group does or how the group ends.
IN CONCLUSION: I like the sub-plots ASIDE from Gina, Vhaj and how they are fighting for the MC, simply because I'm more interested on the other ones. The author is definitely creative with his choices, to the point that he's probably doing a tad too much sub-plotting but hey if they are entertaining then why not?
[Characters] (I usually list the one's here that I, personally and regardless of the plot, found important or interesting!)
Filo: Tsundere, This is my first impression of her and she's probably a bit too hateful. I saw the dev's remark of Filo, being the MC's gauge of growth and that's fine if that's your intent. But if you'd like to hear my thoughts, I think she's too hateful and doesn't show ANY mellowness to the MC. (Even if he got into an accident - she just kept cursing him into not dying, maybe a simple statement of 'Don't leave me, you've promised that you'll stay with me right?' while the MC is slowly losing consciousness would make her look good in my eyes.)
Too much spice! Needs some fluff! Basically, show some reasons why she's behaving that rough to the MC. We've been into 3 chapters and nothing was shown about her or what made her like that, hence people are naturally upset at her. (But I'm sure she'll get her arc!)
Ash: Waifu material. I love her character and how she shows a balance of hate and love to the MC. She's basically Filo but better. She likes the MC but not too much that it is unreasonable, she can be mean to him but mellow when required, and she probably knows that Rudius is Rudy due to his behaviors. I'll definitely watch out for her Character arc and why she's attached to the MC.
Rick: The friend we didn't want but we deserved. This is definitely the Dev's representation of humor: over the top, crazy, weird, and unpredictable. Liked him all around and how he changed into a shit and pissing boy, into a Mafioso. His arc is definitely a bit rushed but that's fine. Rest in peace brother, I'll be sure to turn you into ash and leave you in the sacred place you've always desired...... the girl's bathroom.
Orisse: Typical strict girl with weakness to sexual stuff. Not really sure why she banged the MC but hey! That's fine! Kidding aside, all I know is that she seems to be under the command of someone or something?
Wendy: Orisse's Imouto, typical Ojousama type: Bratty and easy to read. She likes MC, wants to compete with her sister for attention, and that's what I know for now.
Allyssa: The respected bishoujo introvert, seems like she has something going on with her family. Her over-the-top Laughter is very similar to Yukiko of Persona 4. Not much to think yet aside from she looks cool, hot, and interesting.
The twins: [Mood Normal - Fuck! Kyahahahaha!!] [Mood Stressed - !ahahahahayK !kcuF] , definitely stuck out to me and there seems to be more about them. I mean they killed their mom bro. Will definitely be on the watch out for them.
Carlos and Q: Hot and Edgy dudes, Cool design and introduction. Not much is known of them aside from Q having a political father and Carlos being reliant on Q.
IN CONCLUSION: A colorful and wide variety of characters, Kudos to the dev for also giving them different looks and personalities! That being said, a word of warning to the dev, make sure that the characters have a role in the story, whether it be a simple bystander, an enemy of the MC, or an ally. Having a character that's just there for the sake of being there is very noticeable. (which is Ironic!)
*********
All in all, I hope this helped! Looking forward to what you'll do!
- Jul 18, 2020
- 2,072
- 8,612
You forgot to mention those bruises all over MC's body. She physically abused him and dev tried to show it as a joke just because it's a boy who got abused. I wonder how the scenario would have been if it was filo who got abused.
She's the only character I've ignored in a Harem game. I even choose the slutty once but this time I had to ignore her. Even in this update when MC approached her she fucking slapped him. If MC can kick those fighters' asses I'm sure he can beat the hell out of white pissed bitch with his eyes closed. He's still a beta punchbag around her.
- Jul 8, 2022
- 72
- 430
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- Feb 26, 2021
- 1,275
- 2,749
- Aug 4, 2017
- 1,391
- 916
So, when can we change MC's name?
...
Also -10 points for saying yuna is your favorite girl.... It would have been -100 if your girls were bitch like yuna.
...
Oh... You have your version of yuna named filo... Just as promised this game gets -100 from me
...
Also -10 points for saying yuna is your favorite girl.... It would have been -100 if your girls were bitch like yuna.
...
Oh... You have your version of yuna named filo... Just as promised this game gets -100 from me
Last edited:
- Sep 29, 2017
- 855
- 1,401
How many times can you use the word* "kyahaha" and not slowly, painfully bludgeon yourself to death with your own mouse?
asking for a friend
asking for a friend
- Sep 7, 2021
- 70
- 391
- Sep 7, 2021
- 70
- 391
- Sep 7, 2021
- 70
- 391
- Sep 7, 2021
- 70
- 391
- Sep 7, 2021
- 70
- 391
Thanks for this informative comment! I'm sure you're pretty good at novels. You ain't just read and watch but you observe! Thank you for your insight and I promise to make it good! Lots of characters mean wider world-building, aight. Everything will be clear in its on perfect time! I appreciate your thoughts about my story and I'm humbly asking for you to rate my story! Thank you!
- Sep 7, 2021
- 70
- 391
- Sep 7, 2021
- 70
- 391
I think you should play the game first to understand everything hidden there. And we're still on the early pages, so every question you have there will be answered in the perfect time.