Thank you for taking your time and explaining your thoughts in detail.
I am glad that you did not get me wrong or are hurt but that you "confront" my criticism (in a good way). Honest conversations are the best.
Currently, I am trying to play through the game again in order to see if I can see your explaination in the game as you were so nice trying to see my point.
But as a pre-summary, I think it comes down a lot to the different paces that you and I put inti/expect from the game.
I agree also that i need to improve the face expressions, its true that sometimes i didn't work on them as much as i should.
Just to be clear: I would suggest just to tone them down a little. It is not that you are capturing no emotions, but in my opinion, you are capturing too much/too loud/too fastly changing sometimes. I know it is a bad comparrisson, but just to get the direction: It sometimes reminds me (far) of Louis de Funès, if you know what I mean. I don't want to offend you - he is just an example for the direction, not the scale of overexpression (and I loved his movies).
[From the future: As I went through the game again, maybe I am the most unhappy with Mark's expression. Maybe you don't consider him an A-character, so you gave him less love than the others. For example the cake scene: I like the change in facial expression and body language of everybody in the cake scene, the "agressive" look of Maraya when the girls are leaving is perfect! But Mark looks like he is on a happy trip - give him a little love, too
. Also in the bed scene with Evelyn when he says "I won't calm down!".
About the Unbelievable behaviors i disagree, but maybe that's cause as i creator i know much more about the characters and maybe some times i haven't express them well in the story.
Unbelievable behavior scene 1: It's about how they feel. They don't feel like her kids. That's why they act like this when Maraya enters the room like a mother. When she leaves and they stay with mark (who is not trying to be the "father") the are more ok.
Ok, if you really wanted to let the viewer be astonished by this behavior and leave them a little in the dark about the relationship of Maraya and the girls - if you wanted to use this scene as a teaser, then I agree with you and it is logical. But I don't remeber you adressing this problem even anywhere in the following scenes. So it is at least a very lonely and very early teaser of this "problem" that might arise.
I don't know if my suggestion would be against your style or strategy, but for the stupid reader (as I am), I would suggest to add at least some more bred crums in the Cake-scene. As of know, we red that Maraya sees the girls as her children and loves them. But she enters with "It is 5 years from the first time we met" - she is not explicitly saying anything about thinking of them als children - you could say the same to co-workers. Then, Victoria says "We are not your children" and Evelyn says "Cringe" - thats it. Just some bad suggestions: Maybe let Maraya say "It is 5 years before we joined as a familiy" or "... since I became your mother"" or "... you became my daughters!" Then it would be more clear and would not slow down at all.
Thinking of it since I now understand why they are upset: I even find it realistic that at least some of them find her thinking of being their mother strange. I thought so myself when I read your game description, but I didi not think a lot of it
. So I am corrected: It is a good and realistic scene, I would just add the crum mentioned above.
The connection between this and the next scene (her talking with Evelyn about an interview) is maybe a little unconnected: She is rejected as mother, but she does say a word (expect maybe a "wait") about this, but speaks business to Evelyn (cancel the interview). But I am careful now
. If you want to portray her as a little "strange" or schizophrenic, it is all good. If not, you should give them a line about this before talking about the interview. At least I was lost in this transition - I thought she would want to talk about the cake and now there is some kind of interview and she is not angry, but talks calmly (even if self confident).
I am also careful with criticising a fashion company leader in getting into the NUCLEAR energy industry and even illegally doing so. Sounds far fetched, but maybe Maraya is a criminal genious.
Unbelievable behavior scene 2: Logically that you say is right. But while she is outraged she express her self with a more aggressive way. She express that she don't want her here. She want to vanish, to disappear. That's why she say something that don't make total sense, people do that, specially when are enraged.
I played it again and still don't like this line
. Maybe it has something to do with the spelling mistakes I read earlier... you I do not consider this voluntary making her say something incorrectly. But I found another explaination in my mind for this: Maybe she is saying this to her husband "Go home now!" - like: "Drive us home!"
So not a big deal anymore
.
(By the way, there appears an errorin the scene young Evelyn lies on the flor afterwards:
File "game/script.rpy", line 2292, in script
scene SC28SH15 with dissolve (2.0)
TypeError: 'Dissolve' object is not callable )
Unbelievable Carlos behavior: what do you mean that "He could have done this before."? It's their first meeting. She is hot and he is a criminal boss with her alone. He thinks that she will accept what he will do.
Ah, ok, you did not tell us that this is their first meeting. Because she knows his bodyguard(?) Jack very(!) well, I thought she also knew the boss.
But you are right: She actually mentions her name to him - they did not know each other. But I wonder... if she feels the need to even say her name, how can the boss arrange for someone who will pay that much money for her? During my first play-through, I even thought for a short time that the boss was the secret client and there was not mysterious other client. He just wanted to see if she was selling herself for any amount and then be her "pimp". Could make sense, but nothing in the game supports this theory, does it?
But even if not: She is willing to do this only for a lot of money (far from reasonable) but he expects her to do it for free? And he is not even raping her while she is awake, he wants to rape her passed out? Even risking "damaging the goods"? Maybe too much for me. If he would try it afterwards or at least not try to suffocate her... . Even the enourmous sum makes it clear that she is not consideres a "poor whore" that will probably go along with everything you throw in her way.
About the his power, have you ever hit your balls? imagine 5 hits from a stilleto with all her power. Then while he is in pain she finish him. Okay, maybe she is a little bit overpowered in that scene, but personally i don't think that's unbelievable, but it's weak. Overall i should have write better that scene.
I would expect him to be shielded after the first kick by closing his legs. But he lays on the floor, looking and talking to her, not even with a lot of pain. Even one arm of him should be enough to hold her away.
If you wanted to exchange a little believability for the strong desire to include the fetish of ball-busting, it is ok. But if you just wanted a believable scene, maybe he should have slipped from the first kick and knocked his head on the table losing his conciousness.
About the cigarette: She is nervous, that's why she smoke, but i stylized to much that image, just because i liked it. I give you totally that. But her "friend" comes in to see what happened, he don't know yet.
You really made a georgeous picture with her. Very sexy, powerful, wow. I get why you wanted it to be in the game. Maybe it would be a perfect gallery picture or even a game title.
About Jack pointing the gun at him: Ok, so this is about our different speeds... I would have expected at least a "Boss?" or/and him entering with a surprised face. Or an explaination what he did hear. But him directly pointing the gun at her with his finger on the trigger...
About the speed: That's my personal preference. I was bored by games that plotwise nothing happened for an entire season. I have seen many games that characters talk and talk and talk then sex scene and then they talk again. I don't like that [...] I try to give all the needed information and with the minimum words so we can go to action and see the characters to act. [...] You have played the 60-70% of my first episode and you can feel their personalities already (most of them), regardless if you find them interesting.
Yes, ok, so it really is a little about me being Youtube and you being TikTok (no offense). But I get where you are coming from and with the little additions/explainations I think I can really enjoy your game. you are fast-forward, but you do have a good story for it. The opposite to the games you mentioned, there are games that do offer (almost) not text in between the sex scenes. They are stupid-fast-forward, while you seem to be intelligent-fast-forward
.
Maybe someone will say that i am looking for to much on a fap game. But that's my vision about the script, to create a story that have a quality to stand alone, regardless if it's a sex game.
If you actually can deliver as you "promised" though the first scenes, I think you will have exactly that, a quite stand alone, fast-paced, interesting sex game
.
Why you found all these negatives: I create 1 episode in about 1 and a half month. [...] Ιn a few words in order to create 1 episode i believe that i need more effort from the average VN, cause i have fast pace.
Wow, this is really impressive - especially with your very good visual quality!
Just maybe: If you would have taken not one and a half, but one and three quaters of a month, this game would be not only good but "perfect"
.
Maybe i sound a bit arrogant, as if I'm saying that others are doing it badly and I'm here to show how it's done. I'm actually just saying what I didn't like about several games and trying to make it different in mine.
[...]
Since this is my first game i will make a lot of mistakes and these type of critiques help me to understand them, even when i disagree i am thinking of them.
No, you are not arrogant, you are absolutely right and I am thankful that you give me that insight. I am also thankful that you take my words not as an offens but even thinking them over.
And you can be proud of your work. I really want to see how it is going on!
You are also absolutely right with some of the other games: They would make a complete seasong with every scene of your first episode - even if they would have entered a sensless sex scene in every one of them
.
Sorry for my English and btw the story slows down a little bit on the second episode.
I think your english here is very good and even better than mine. It is just about the few lines inside the game that should have been eliminated by now - at least by your proof-reader.
So, to sum it up: It really helped re-playing the game with just a little more information. And I am really glad that you do not give too much of information because I hate spoilers. Maybe my first impression was not that good because all the minor downsides addes up: Some broken sentences and misspelled words, just a few mimics that were off, a very fast pace, a little too few information (for me).
You are really doing great and I am glad that you are putting so much thought in your game! Kepp up the good work.
