Ahhh, have learnt something new. I wasn´t aware of this, but you are right, never heard this way of writing before. I apologize for marking it as an error.
- Thread starter i107760
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" I don't see my sister, so I scream, "Julia, I'm home!" "
Feel like this should be 'yelled' or similar. Why would he scream in this situation? Its a very aggresive way to get attention.
Feel like this should be 'yelled' or similar. Why would he scream in this situation? Its a very aggresive way to get attention.
The thought was that it's a big house, but yeah, "yell" or "shout" might be better. I'll think about changing it for the next release. Intention was not for it to be aggressive, just loud.
"But still, I'd you to ask her out. "
This also needs fixing.
And the coach doesn't talk like how an actual person talks at all imo.
Same with the brother sometimes, like when he says ''I need to end the darkness in my heart, right now, without delay'', or something to that effect. Way too poetic for the inner monologue of a random modern dude.
Oh I finished it. and when you do, there's no option to go back to the start to see other paths. That also needs fixing.
Seemingly there is no rape so this should be tagged as no sexual content, not rape, as the most it appears to go for is a masturbation session.
In general your tags just seem to be entirely wrong and need fixing. Pretty sure you shouldn't include tags for things you plan to add but haven't yet
This also needs fixing.
And the coach doesn't talk like how an actual person talks at all imo.
Same with the brother sometimes, like when he says ''I need to end the darkness in my heart, right now, without delay'', or something to that effect. Way too poetic for the inner monologue of a random modern dude.
Oh I finished it. and when you do, there's no option to go back to the start to see other paths. That also needs fixing.
Seemingly there is no rape so this should be tagged as no sexual content, not rape, as the most it appears to go for is a masturbation session.
In general your tags just seem to be entirely wrong and need fixing. Pretty sure you shouldn't include tags for things you plan to add but haven't yet
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Yeah, dialogue is definitely my weak point. I hope I get better at it as I write more. I'll come back to that after I release the next update. Thanks for the feedback.
There is a rape scene in the game, but I'm considering removing it for the next release since it's badly written and I don't like rape in the first place. Still thinking it over, if I end up removing it, I'll remove the tags as well. Not sure how tagging rules work, for content that is not part of the main story, but is part of the game. Vaginal Sex, Creampie, Rape all come from that one scene.
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- Feb 2, 2018
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"I wake up. //I raped my $sister. I raped her. I raped her. I raped her.// The realization of what I did sinks in."
Oh, so there is. Seems way too OOC for the MC. Could have some other guy do it, but I don't think many people come to an incest game for non-incestuous sex. If you don't like rape, it doesn't fit the characters and you aren't happy with the writing, I see no reason to keep it in.
If you want to add a sex scene NOW without having to write your way up to it, you could do what Sculpture did with its BJ scene, and have a scenario set in the future to give a taste of the chars future relationship
Game is actually set in the US. Just took an image featuring a cute girl drawn by a Japanese artist and adapted it to use as a cover, hence the cover has Japanese characters on the suit. But I'm going to use "yell", think it reads the best.
Reception has been positive enough, so I'll remove it and just keep writing the story at my pace. Thanks for all the feedback.
Nothing wrong with small breasts, sunken chests I can pass on though. At least B cups, or an A cup if they are young and developing is fine. Life is like that. au natural
- Aug 8, 2017
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If you remove the rape scene and there is no more rape scene in the next update make sure to remove the rape tag.
You own this thread so you should be able to remove it, if not let me know in a PM and I will remove it.
Is it? Then why do the characters talk about, very specifically, being a professional swimmer in Tokyo.
Who in America dreams of being a professional swimmer specifically in a completely different country?
The 2020 Olympics will be held in Tokyo, and it's her dream to swim in them. Story is set around April 2017, hence the US Olympic Trials will be in three years, she needs to place first in them to secure a spot on the Olympic team, which will be going to Tokyo.
Terminology like "LSC" and "Eastern Zone" is also US-specific, I didn't want to name any specific clubs she is swimming under (because they probably wouldn't appreciate it, given the content of my game ^^), but in our case she's swimming under the "Long Island Aquatic Club", under "Metropolitan Swimming", they live in a NYC suburb (in my head, at least). Tried to give some hints to it by mentioning the "Eastern Zone", which means the NY area. The stuff about coaches abusing female swimmers is a reference to the USA Swimming abuse scandals that have been going on.
I was hoping the way my story was written and my word choices would convey them living in the US, but I guess I failed. Will think about how to make it clearer, although I don't believe the setting is all that important.
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That makes sense, thanks
It probably does give that message to actual Americans who use those terms, but to me, who isn't from America, ''Tokyo'', the captial of a country that makes a lot of porn, is a lot more recognizeable than any of that
It probably does give that message to actual Americans who use those terms, but to me, who isn't from America, ''Tokyo'', the captial of a country that makes a lot of porn, is a lot more recognizeable than any of that
Not American myself, but am a swim fan, so I knew how their system worked roughly, and did quite a bit of extra research for the game when I started writing it. I'll think about finding a way to make it more clear to readers, didn't really think about mentioning Tokyo/Japan would cause people to believe it's set there, but can see that it does if you forget the Olympics will take place there in 2020.
- Aug 8, 2017
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Ah,well I didn't know anything about the Olympics because I don't really pay attention to sports. That area of topic doesn't interest me, since I'm one of those people who don't have any interest in sports whatsoever. So I guess I learned something today. You could add info about the Olympics if you wanted to, but overall, I don't think it's really too important to the story overall. However, i can see it might be interesting for those looking for tidbits of info.
Yeah, for the story it's not so important. It's just background details I'm keeping in mind for myself as I write the story, I feel it helps me deliver a more convincing story, when I research things like this and get a clear picture in my head of the character's situation.
I've finished writing three scenes now, but will let the poll run a little longer. I still need to edit them, but I'm pretty happy with them now (I basically rewrote them entirely, since I hated my first draft). If the second option wins in the end, I'll try to upload an update soon. I've also decided to remove the rape scene. I might write a non-con scene in the future, but it will be a different and better written one.
- May 29, 2020
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Writing is good I give you that but there are tons of erotic literature as in actual books or in e-books that does the job so much better.Heck I could even have a good time in one of those fictional sex story sites and the best part is all of them are complete.Full.You read it from start to finish.Without cg's or meaningful interactions it's just an erotic literature released like a game in piece by piece.I just don't see the point following it's development.Doesn't require much effort to make it just right tho.Some small drawings here and there,maybe a basic depiction of actions and scenes in between the paragraphs,not so detailed background cg's,a couple of background tunes etc.Small details you know just to make it more immersive.Anyhow.That's just my opinion.It's up to you.I'm sure there are many ppl would like this just the way it is.