OK, I can immediately tell that I have quite a few issues with this. And before anyone tells me that "it's just fantasy" - I know. It's just that things like these break my own sense of immersion.
1. The MC, receiving a message on his first day, from a girl, who is also his crush. That's just a bit
too convenient. Personally, I would've stretched the story a bit, maybe meet some other people, then make him meet her at a party or at a munch. Then make them realize they're both into the same shit, talk it out, and only later start going out.
2. Telling anyone you've met online your real name and address is a HUGE no-no.
Especially if you've met an hour earlier and your dick is currently doing your thinking for you. Anyone
expecting you to share your details should immediately raise a shitton of red flags.
3. Basically, the whole thing goes from zero to twenty
way too fast. Now, it's fine when you are having a fantasy for the sake of a quick wank, but when you are trying to write a story, that's not good. Chastity itself requires a
lot of trust. Not to mention, dick shrinking is a completely separate kink, you could be into chastity, but not into dick shrinking for example. Her just imposing that on him, with no talk about limits and no real knowledge of what he is or isn't into... No. Just no, mate.
4. On another note, we don't really know her. One thing I noticed with really good stories on this site, it's that they allow me to actually
know the virtual fap material. Like, I can tell you that Rae from AHITR is a dorky, pun-loving slut who also loves teasing others, but is still mindful of their limits. I know that Kindra from Artemis cares about her parents and worries about her own impact on the world. Alex from Eternum has family issues, while Luna loves morbid jokes. More than that, I know that, not because the narration
told me this, but because I've seen how they act. I'm not even gonna talk about The Last Sovereign, because that's a league of its own.
The only thing I know about Aiko - prior to entering a
committed relationship with her, despite supposedly
knowing her for years, is that "she makes MC's peepee hard". And we're talking about a story which concentrates on one, particular character, not on multiple characters like the other titles I've mentioned. My advice is: build the character up. Show MC's and FMC's day-to-day interactions, don't
tell me that the MC has a crush on her,
show me through his conversation with her and through his actions towards her.
Show me how nervous he gets every time she gets close to him. How he has this internal conflict because despite wanting to be with her, he knows that his kinks would freak her out. Show me
her little quirks. I don't know, she likes to take photos of weird-looking rocks or something. Make a
character for cryin' out loud. Build chemistry
before you get to the sexy times. It's gonna be slow in the beginning, but it's an investment that will return a thousand times more, I guarantee.
Also, one thing to consider is making branching paths depending on the kinks. I know that that's kind of what sexual domination is all about, but you shouldn't force people into kinks. I mean, you can, it's your story of course, but you are going to lose audience this way. Instead, you could make the player make a choice between two different kinks, with an option to choose both, for example. Real power exchange doesn't really happen without consulting these types of things anyway - let's say the Domme's heavily into golden showers, but they make me puke for example. Or that my main turn-on is pain, but she prefers TnD. You will never enter a relationship like that because you can't give the other person what they want. Sure, there are compromises to be had, but the foundation has to be more than just "I am into femdom". Saying that is like saying "I like movies". Well, what kind of movies? Which decade, which genre, which director?
Now, we all know why we're here, so obviously you are going to enter the relationship with the FMC. But because of that, she can't really have a solid set of turn-ons, and definitely not if they include the entire Wiki page for paraphilia. The reason is mostly because she... Well, she kind of exists
through her audience. She is a projection of what the audience wants. So while two-three most common solids are good, the rest should be kind of optional IMO. It also helps to build character, just narrowing her down to only a couple fetishes. I mean, there are very few people who just throw the entire FetLife's kinks' list into their profile, and usually that's a sign of trouble rather than anything else. Though now that I think about it, that was only one scene, so I guess take this as a precaution more than anything?
But yeah, it's a little long, but that's my take on this. Also, keep in mind that there are not a lot of titles that really explore the aftercare side of femdom. Most of the shit I see is the Domme just beating and berating the shit out of the MC, but there's very little out there that makes her feel like she actually
cares about him. Aftercare is important, man.
Good luck with your game
