Okay, I liked what I played so far, but I have some concerns with the writing which really took me out of the story and characters.
1. Sports Science convers a lot more than what is show here, so far the MC is shown performing roles of an Assistant/Training Coach and a glorified Masseuse, but you have a lot more room to make his role important and beneficial to the team.
Solution:- If you have him explain his role in more detail when he's talking to his childhood friend in the beginning, and his expectations of duties to be performed while first talking with Ivy, I think that would address this issue. And we as players can see early on how significant his addition would be for the team, and what type of lewd content or situations his duties may land him in.
2. This is meant to be the best Women's Football team in the country, then it's mentioned as best in the world, but they also didn't do well in the previous competition; I don't know what to believe or think. Either way, why would they hire a fresher straight out of Uni with no job experience? In any big company for a non-entry level position, some level of experience is always expected. We're supposedly talking about the best football team in the world, there's no way in hell they would hire someone without any experience.
Solution:- No decent sports team worth their salt would hire anyone without real on-the-job experience, so maybe some past/previous teams in this Football Club were former champions, but they're on a losing streak now and the current team has yet to achieve significant success. If their team and status as a top contender is on the decline, it's more believable for them to consider hiring a fresher without any experience on the job.
3. Why would they hire a male for a female team, especially since they had problems with male staffers before?.
Solution:- To address this issue, he needs to be overqualified and an easy choice over all other people being considered for the role. He needs to have some merit about him that really sets him apart - having a scholarship or being a valedictorian, or having done something significant to help the team's owner or Ivy (without knowing who each of them was). That way, even though he's a Male and they've had their problems before with men, they would consider him of good character and qualifications enough to take a risk. So far, there's nothing mentioned that would warrant the best female team in the world to hire a male, who has no real job experience.
4. The MC is supposedly overqualified, having a background with athletics and sports, but any average sportsman or athlete who did sports in school would have a similar background. There's only one line mentioning this, when MC talks to Ivy first. You really need to sell us more on MC being well qualified for this job. His personalty is that of a naive, inexperienced, and sheltered young man, so I think it's okay to make him overpowered with his merits and past achievements.
5. I think you need to spend more time showing or telling us how MC actually managed to get accepted in that position in the first place. The way it is now, there's barely any mention of this, and the whole process of him getting into that outlandish position needs to be more fleshed out. Presently, it's over way too quickly. If you addressed points 2 & 3, this wouldn't be an issue.
6. More of a personal preference nitpick, but would you maybe consider reducing the amount of ink on Hana. The way she is now, her tattoos cover up most of her body along with her breasts, and we didn't get to see her backside, but I'm guessing it covers that too. I much prefer a woman without any tattoos, but a few select tattoos in some tasteful places can look quite hot; enough to complement her beauty but not overwhelm or overtake it. Hana right now has most of her body covered in ink, its hiding away her goods and assets. Much of attraction lies in how a person looks, and if I can't see her breasts or ass, or other intimate parts, without them being fully covered in ink, it takes away much of her beauty, at least for me. If she had those same tattoos covering just the sides of her body, leaving her stomach, breasts, ass and inner thigh areas more uncovered, I feel it would be more tasteful. Just something for your consideration.
For me to get involved and invested in a VN, it needs to have
either - a compelling story with good writing, or good models with a whole lot of sexual action; Visuals and render quality are a toss-up which don't carry the same weight for me. If a VN has the first two in some ratio, it's a blessing. But if it has either one of these facets in spades, that also does the job for me. I'm either in it for the story or the smut, so I stand to appreciate both types of VNs. But for me, while this VN has great models, there's not enough smut and the story and writing could be stronger and it needs more fleshing out. And I find it could be improved in the visual fidelity aspect as well.
Things I did like were the models, most of them are unique and original, and all of them are attractive. I love the variety in body-types as well, and I quite like that many of them have a small bush down under. Pubic Hair on a woman is a rarity nowadays, and I find that a bush trimmed above the clitoris can enhance the vagina's overall look. So this is definitely a plus for me.
I hope I was able to properly convey my intentions in providing constrictive criticism, because that is what this is. Personally, I find your work lacking in some areas, and only write this in hopes of seeing it improved and ultimately succeed. I don't want you to be discouraged, these are just some things for you to consider and think about. Best of luck,
daggum_games! Hope you find success in all your endeavours.
