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VN Ren'Py Abandoned Unforgettable Spring [Teaser] [kodaa1337]

1.00 star(s) 1 Vote

AnyName'llDo

Active Member
Feb 12, 2018
581
625
Very little here yet. The MC has a 12-year-old's haircut.
And please tell me, how do you like this teaser story? This is the first time I've written a story, I know it's not the best, but I'm really trying to make the best of it. I can take the criticism, so feel free to write. :D
I played the teaser. I don't feel like there's enough story here yet to be that critical, but you've not really hooked your readers with the writing. Most of us will give you one or two more tries I expect to see if the story goes anywhere. So, why's he there? A little tension is needed. Why didn't they just stick together before? They're clearly both already into each other. Was there a reason they couldn't show their feelings for one another before? Add some drama. When she shows up, don't have the daughter drawn to him like he's Brad Pitt, or if she is, have him resist. Even if they will ultimately start banging. Fix the main character's hair. You'll be on your way.
 

kodaa1337

Active Member
Game Developer
Dec 24, 2020
616
13,426
Very little here yet. The MC has a 12-year-old's haircut.

I played the teaser. I don't feel like there's enough story here yet to be that critical, but you've not really hooked your readers with the writing. Most of us will give you one or two more tries I expect to see if the story goes anywhere. So, why's he there? A little tension is needed. Why didn't they just stick together before? They're clearly both already into each other. Was there a reason they couldn't show their feelings for one another before? Add some drama. When she shows up, don't have the daughter drawn to him like he's Brad Pitt, or if she is, have him resist. Even if they will ultimately start banging. Fix the main character's hair. You'll be on your way.
Hi, thanks for writing this down, this is just a teaser that I made and put out in this form because I wanted to see if anyone cares, what you say is valid, and the story will be better written in the next update. As for the hair, I fixed it so it didn't look like that in the next update.
 

joryh

Well-Known Member
Nov 8, 2021
1,111
2,195
I was just thinking upon seeing the mc "Looks like a douche youtuber"
I just left it at douche. Course, I don't give a shit about the logans, so I never think about them. They own no space in my head, rent free or paid.
 

Dessolos

Devoted Member
Jul 25, 2017
11,752
15,140
I'll have to give this a try as long as the other LI but June are avoidable when it comes to lewd scenes ill like this one. The summary looks like the kind of story I can get behind.
 

allura404

Active Member
Nov 7, 2019
959
1,298
A game that I discovered recently while it was in development and released today. I loved the mother model when I first saw it and she looks really hot. I can't wait to see more of her. I wish you good luck dev
 
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kodaa1337

Active Member
Game Developer
Dec 24, 2020
616
13,426
I'll have to give this a try as long as the other LI but June are avoidable when it comes to lewd scenes ill like this one. The summary looks like the kind of story I can get behind.
Everything is will be avoidable.
 
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d0n1br@

Newbie
Jan 30, 2023
44
217
20 renders? Not bad not bad. And why not 10 or 5? To indicate Patreon and support on it, they would be also enough. By the way, but there are already 484 POSTS published on it. :KEK::KEK: I see such a wonder for the first time...at the time of the first release. I'd rather have 20 posts there and 484 renders in the game...not the other way around.
 
Feb 20, 2024
279
1,157
Most of the planned tags are:Footjob,Male Domination,Female Domination,Threesome,Titfuck
NO NTR will be in my game.
As long as you make femdom and maledom avoidable, you're fine. A lot of people don't like them and skipping is not enough for those things when shit happens anyway, so it doesn't matter if it happens without skipping. Avoidable is the only accepted thing in a few fetishes.
 
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Old Man Al

Well-Known Member
Jan 18, 2022
1,010
6,965
It's really a teaser, so not much going on, takes less than 5 minutes to get to the end.

Poses are a bit off sometimes, the faces look kind of lifeless (mouths are always closed for example). The model of June is a nice change, I don't think I have seen her before though.

The english is pretty off. Nothing so serious that you don't understand what's going on, but unpleasant to read. One time the MC is refered as SHE, so I hope this is just an error and not an genderfluid MC.

I cannot really say more about it yet. Get a proofreader, put some life in those pictures, and good luck, dev.
 
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1.00 star(s) 1 Vote