The story needs better flow, give the titans a bit more interest in PC's world, but have it be interrupted if you don't want to dive into the details, also have them discover that he is from a different world in a more reasonable fashion. Then, there is the ridiculous amount of hostility provided by the titans, have the Titans ease up on the PC after learning his not a bad guy, they are heroes after all not thugs. Finally, ease up on the tension after the interrogation. Jumping from that intense introduction straight to a cell just doesn't flow well into introducing Jinx.
Other than that, I'd say it needs a lot of help with grammar.