-Great visuals. To show us how Nia jumps over the wall is not only a great way to get more dynamic into everything and to flex your visual work further, it’s also a non-forced panty shot, very well done!
-I like the club selection; the screens look far nicer than just some bottoms with their name on it. As well as that each club has a few different scenes.
-That lil’ flash of horror with Ami during the after-blowjob conversation was a nice touch.
-The color coding of the event list in the menu is a great idea.
-That we get a costume choice for the invite over lewd events is awesome.
-Ami’s and Saori’s talk after their fight it’s so good to see them talk and be honest to each other. In so much media the people just aren’t really talking to each other. I think it was a great choice to not let it fester between them for cheap drama.
-Good amount of content already.
Don’t describe everything that happens, which we actually can see. During the first dialogue with Saori you describe how her face returns to her usual smile, which we can see. Or with Nia. “Nia ignores Ami’s questionable comment, and turns to me”, the later part is not needed, we can see it. Nothing serious in itself, but too much of it can be draining for the reader. And if someone is described as blushing, show, don’t tell.
So we got that childhood friend that straight up said her job is to watch out for us. A goth chick that instantly flirts with us. Nia just hugs us from behind and asks us a big favour. Kasu who the MC get to blush during the first conversation. Second conversation with Saori and we basically get the conformation that she is in love with us if the meeting with her didn’t already tell us so. At least, Yuna is not instantly into the MC. Second time seeing Sakura and she has her hands already all over the MC. First private meeting with Yuna and she already told us that her sister in fact is into the MC. (Yuna is a tuna girl. Get it? Yuna – Tuna? I see myself out.) That is far too much at once! It takes a lot of tension out of the story/game, when half the cast is already in love with the MC. Even Sakura tells us that Kirei is into the MC. Too much, too soon. Sakura as well. I already feel less and less about these things.
Most people don’t use the name of the person they are talking to during conversation if there is no need to clarify to whom they speak to. For example, in Saoris bedroom during the movie, the MC gives her a compliment and her response “Oh – thanks, Arvin”. No one would use his name in that situation because it’s clear that she speaks to him. That makes the dialogue feel artificial and you are doing that quite often. No need to go back to fix it but try to pay attention to it. I think that can help to improve dialogue quite a bit,
First visit at Saori:
Who took the picture of the two kissing?
A bit after the pictures there is a spelling mistake. “Sometimes I get so carried away thinking about the fast that […]” I’m pretty sure you mean fact instead.
Maybe Natuski should not wear ear rings and her usual make up in the pool. I’m not sure, but I don’t think that goes well together.
Visiting Rin at the library. She says books can’t hurt you. She clearly never had a book about higher level physics in hand.
I’m beeing honest. I do not care for the Iris plotline at all. I do not want the MC to be the freaking choosen one. Nothing against the writing. I’m just over this doom and gloom “you are the choosen one!” reveal.
Bugs:
-My gallery is already mostly unlocked, even trough I just got into the free roam part.
-The first art club event repeats itself for me, after the event Sakuras first kiss. Not sure if it did that before already.
Inconsistencies:
-Saori tells us in the beginning that she iis happy that the weather is like this again. Implying that it was worse. During our first free roam meeting with Nia, the MC mentions how static the weather is.
-First time seeing Saki on day one. She mentions beer and Saori says that we in she and MC are not old enough to drink. During the first visit to the bar, the MC tells us that he is indeed old enough to drink.
-First Monday, Natsuki says she doesn’t want to be a plank and more developed like Saori, but they do have like the same bust size and slightly larger hips? Certainly she is not a plank.
-First time in the manga club, Rin tells the MC how she and Takane have their heads in the clouds half the time and he acts like he isn’t somewhere else all the time too. Not really an inconcistency I guess, but I still wanted to mention it here.
And as others mentioned already, I can’t see why all the girls are into the MC yet and I really hope it’s more then is connection to the world of what that was.
Good luck with your game. Im looking forward to more!
