Pretty much just going to copy and paste what I wrote to Bamboni1 in the DM he sent just to give further insight on what I'm going through..
>on the topic of bipolar disorder and how I feel and act day-by-day
Well, to put it simply, it culminates different feelings into one mess, so it takes factors from major depressive disorder, psychosis, mania, and enhances all of it by ten fold. Technically, it means I'm sad all the time, it just takes a certain amount of depression or hopelessness or trauma, for it to actually start to effect how I think and feel.
Plus, having ADD, meaning if I have a terrible thought, or thoughts of negative ulterior motives that aren't even true, they stay in my head for hours on end, I'm am not capable of just thinking of something else like *that* and moving. Instead, it manifests and rots away at my emotions, either making me sad, upset, or angry for no real reason.
It's gotten to the point where my medication have become a part of my life now and the are used to numb the pain and emotions so I can at least have a little bit of control, but most of the time, I either need to overstimulate my mind and body so make it fade away easier, or I simply just need to cry it all out.
So in even simpler terms...It sucks to be alive and feel this shit sometimes, but I'm too desperate to feel true happiness again, and for it to actually mean something.
I'm not trying to have this be an "all about me" or "woe is me" kind of situation, but it just connects to how sometimes, I just can't feel anything or want to do anything, but thank you all for understanding and the reassurance with your personal experiences, it means a lot guys, I'll try a little harder for y'all.