- Dec 19, 2019
- 2,474
- 11,320
- Thread starter Huninn
- Start date
- Jun 21, 2018
- 6,410
- 4,504
- Oct 26, 2017
- 5,552
- 16,651
Ami reminds me of this ray of sunshine. 
I'm liking the game so far.
Looks like 5 of your klan got bitten, too.
- Jan 8, 2018
- 170
- 349
- Sep 1, 2024
- 12
- 55
- Sep 1, 2024
- 12
- 55
Thanks for the feedback! Should be fixed now
- Sep 1, 2024
- 12
- 55
Nice find! Although I have no idea who that is
I can totally see her playing Ami!I'm glad to hear that people are enjoying the game!
- Sep 1, 2024
- 12
- 55
Thanks for checking out my game and for the feedback! I'm aware that the story jumps from one scene to the next in quick succession. It's something I've really thought about. Sometimes, less is more?
I plan to revise the early parts of the story as I continue working on future updates. Hope to see you again!
- Oct 1, 2019
- 2,738
- 3,150
Well, I am glad that the Universal Walkthrough Mods worked with this, as that what had me giving this a shot.
Really enjoyed this, thank you so very much for this, and looking forward for more!!!
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Really enjoyed this, thank you so very much for this, and looking forward for more!!!
- Oct 15, 2018
- 426
- 899
I'm going to give you some serious critique here so please try your best not to be offended. I took the 10
minutes to write this because I want to help you make this better not because I have nothing better to do.
There is way too much exposition about her friends and teachers etc. It's boring and sarcasm isn't funny.
Remember: show, don't tell. Rather than telling us that this person is this way or that way, have the two
have a conversation where (e.g.) Brenda shows that she likes her style and doesn't care what anyone else thinks.
Also, far far less about Kevin please. There's no need to go on and on about an utterly one-dimensional
stereotype character. "He's a window licking loner bully" would suffice.
I like the basic idea of a lonely tough girl who gives into her libido (as opposed to being blackmailed or some shit)
but you're trying to jam the whole setting into one incredibly long monologue and 99% of people are going
to give up on it 5 minutes in.
If you're going to stick with the diary thing, maybe her teacher instead of reacting with surprise that Amy was
vulgar in her diary (what was she expecting?) she could offer some insight like: "a diary can't judge you, you're
judging you." or "maybe if you were kinder to your friend you could learn to be kinder to yourself too"
Minor point: I took the "lets spice things up" choice to be about whether I wanted BDSM scenes or not, but
it seems that it goes around hiding all kinds of sexy pics later on. I realize you're writing this in the voice
of a teenage girl but be clearer anyway.
Copyedit: "emphasis on the somewhat" in a dialog that doesn't have the word somewhat.
minutes to write this because I want to help you make this better not because I have nothing better to do.
There is way too much exposition about her friends and teachers etc. It's boring and sarcasm isn't funny.
Remember: show, don't tell. Rather than telling us that this person is this way or that way, have the two
have a conversation where (e.g.) Brenda shows that she likes her style and doesn't care what anyone else thinks.
Also, far far less about Kevin please. There's no need to go on and on about an utterly one-dimensional
stereotype character. "He's a window licking loner bully" would suffice.
I like the basic idea of a lonely tough girl who gives into her libido (as opposed to being blackmailed or some shit)
but you're trying to jam the whole setting into one incredibly long monologue and 99% of people are going
to give up on it 5 minutes in.
If you're going to stick with the diary thing, maybe her teacher instead of reacting with surprise that Amy was
vulgar in her diary (what was she expecting?) she could offer some insight like: "a diary can't judge you, you're
judging you." or "maybe if you were kinder to your friend you could learn to be kinder to yourself too"
Minor point: I took the "lets spice things up" choice to be about whether I wanted BDSM scenes or not, but
it seems that it goes around hiding all kinds of sexy pics later on. I realize you're writing this in the voice
of a teenage girl but be clearer anyway.
Copyedit: "emphasis on the somewhat" in a dialog that doesn't have the word somewhat.
- Apr 7, 2020
- 2,359
- 4,132
- Sep 1, 2024
- 12
- 55
I truly appreciate your insightful feedback, frogbert!
I definitely agree that I spent too much effort on fleshing out the exposition. It does slow down the pacing early on, and I was internally debating whether to leave it out completely and embrace the "show, don't tell" approach you mentioned (only inserting exposition when necessary). I'll consider how to revise that particular part for v0.2.
My intention with Kevin is to develop his character more as the story progresses and give him his own story arc. I hope people aren't fed up with him already! He's supposed to give off an "ick" vibe initially, but I'm hoping players will come around once they get to know him better.
You're right about the "emphasis on the somewhat." I'll fix that for v0.2. Thank you!
One drawback of creating a game like this is that you can't just ask your friends to play through it and give you unbiased feedback
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