As testament to Savin's laziness submissions of "trusted" writers like Tobs don't get proofread. In other words even Savin ain't going to drown in that word salad.
Others Corruption of Champions II [v0.7.32] [Savin/Salamander Studios]
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Tobs can't perceive a woman having a career and a family.
Very solid first draft, needs a bit of a spellcheck go over because I spotted a few errors but the premise and tone are good.
Add in a few feminization or outright tg options later down the line and this will be a great route
- Nov 2, 2017
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Tobs can't perceive a woman
- Nov 27, 2017
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Tobs can't perceive
Tobs can't
Tobs
I think y'all mean Tobs can't observe...
Yeah I'll let myself out.
Yeah I'll let myself out.
He can't observe his writing to let himself know that he needs to understand his word to tell you how much he spites everyone for Kinu's father and daughter's relationship.
sooo i cant get the normal app to work but i did get it to work by running it like it said to do for mac PCs soooo whatever
- Nov 27, 2017
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Fair enough. Depending on style/type of writing, formatting can differ. And, of course, everyone has their own style that they find easy to follow. Personally, I use double line-breaks and a play script style of formatting for dialogue. If you want an example, I've spoilered a small excerpt from some of my latest writing for Masters of Raana. (Not a sex scene, but the formatting is the same)
The double line breaks help to break up the text and make it more easily digestible, so readers aren't intimidated by a wall of text. Dialogue is more of a personal preference. The way you do it is closer to how a book does it, with a line break and indent each time there's a new speaker, but also allowing for narration to follow dialogue without a line break. That's fine, but like I mentioned earlier, indenting the entire paragraph the way you did makes it more condensed and harder for the average reader to digest.
You do make use of double line breaks in your text, but not consistently and not to separate narration from dialogue, which makes for really big walls of text. You also don't use quotation marks all the time, which makes it really hard to tell where dialogue stops and narration begins since, like already mentioned, you allow dialogue to flow into narration without a line break.
I'm by no means an expert, feel free to disregard everything I've said, but hopefully some of that helps!
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So I decided to steel my resolve and dive into the word diarrhea that is anything Tobs touches and talked to the cat-paladin in Cait's whore temple...gotta admit some of the stuff he said was more than just pretentious word salad, in particularl these two:
I gotta say, that's an angle I'd be more than willing to explore, I think the "small hero in big catastrophe" could work, it takes a huge conflict and boils it down to a personal level allowing for more emotional narratives , IMO this is the "no power fantasy" Savin speaks of but done right (kind of like the Mandalorian in a sense, you're just some guy surviving in the shadows of a huge conflict, yet your struggles feel so real and relatable you can't help but get involved.)
MY ONLY ISSUE WITH THEM TAKING THIS ANGLE THO is how it flip-flops our character's narrative, we're like the Schrodinger Hero being both the most important and directly involved mortal with this threat and an above-average nobody who's just fumbling around and working with way bigger heroes left and right, if we were presented as a nobody from the get-go/a scout from these so-called great armies then that sort of "no power fantasy/smal soldier in big war" narrative style COULD HAVE WORKED, but oh well.
I gotta say, that's an angle I'd be more than willing to explore, I think the "small hero in big catastrophe" could work, it takes a huge conflict and boils it down to a personal level allowing for more emotional narratives , IMO this is the "no power fantasy" Savin speaks of but done right (kind of like the Mandalorian in a sense, you're just some guy surviving in the shadows of a huge conflict, yet your struggles feel so real and relatable you can't help but get involved.)
MY ONLY ISSUE WITH THEM TAKING THIS ANGLE THO is how it flip-flops our character's narrative, we're like the Schrodinger Hero being both the most important and directly involved mortal with this threat and an above-average nobody who's just fumbling around and working with way bigger heroes left and right, if we were presented as a nobody from the get-go/a scout from these so-called great armies then that sort of "no power fantasy/smal soldier in big war" narrative style COULD HAVE WORKED, but oh well.
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- Aug 8, 2020
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Porca miseria, even with that small text sample its obviously TOBS-ed. Im missing the point of first sentence in the end of a second one. How he consistently manages to pulls it up is beyond me.
Tobs is some kind of failed psychological weapon project that managed to crawl from secret government underground facility straight up to the world of porn games, Im telling ya!!!!111111111111
I never hid it was TOBS' writting lol, just saying the IDEA of a "small hero doing their part in a world-changing event" could work/be a FUN spin on the otherwise almost nagging-sounding "No PoWeR fAnTaSy" dogma we've heard over and over and over.
BTW what would had been Tobs' original purpose as a failed psychological weapon? now I'm curious about what a "Good" Tobs could had been lol.
- Nov 24, 2020
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Okay who the fuck wants to play a porn game where it takes you several reads to actually understand wtf the character is talking about? It doesn't even have to be related to porn - I would be confused by this even when playing games that require high brain usage. This makes me wonder if I am dumb or not. If I give myself the benefit, then I can say that this is not easy nor smooth to read. Any kind of character for whom it would be appropriate to speak like this would be on my "don't talk to them" list. I am going to attempt to simply this text.
I don't think it's great - I don't fully know the context of this scene nor the characters, but I hope it's at least easier and smoother to read and doesn't distract you from the actual story by making you decipher every sentence.
I honestly really like your take on it, not only because it's EASIER to understand (you're not alone on that sentiment) but also because it feels more PERSONAL, like the character speaking to you is really trying to appeal to you as a reader.
Tobs just happens to be too pretentious as a writter and thinks that longer paragraphs=better (so expect ANY content coming from him to force you to SCROLL to read in this game, and scroll alot, it's really funny how almost EVERYTHING he writes makes that scroll bar pop up, is certainly popping up more often than my boner I can tell ya that!)
- Aug 8, 2020
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There are multiple reasons for this. According to various sources its a stream of new goods from a new world, (one of the many) consequences of black death, overall urbanization, etc.
I mean, sure precious metals and other things from the new world was a big factor, but not overwhelmingly huge to outshine other factors.
- Aug 8, 2020
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We in writing competition now? Oke...
"Do not forget that we all in this together."
She turned away from you and looked into the distance.
"It will take the hosts months to get here. And by the time 'cavalry' arrives"- her face turned sour -"it will be far too late for too many people."
Her face slowly turns to weary expression. She just stand there for a several moments, before asking everybody and nobody at the same time.
"Are people saved by our actions be insignificant compared to the entire populace of the region?"
You open your mouth and close it. You not sure what to say. Or rather what answer is correct.
She looked back at you, filled with a calm determination.
"I am sure there are forces that will dwarf us, but it doesn't make us irrelevant or unneeded. If we act fast, we can get to the smaller details that will be missed in the scuffle."