Brint? ....Update? .....Cucking?!
I MOTHER FUCKING HATE THAT <removed>!!! I WISH THE WORST ON BRINT AND BRINT ENJOYERS. I'M TIRED OF KEEPING ON THE DOWN LOW. I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HAAAATE HIM!!! HATE! HATE! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEE!
HATE.
HATE.
AHAHAHA HATE?!
HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’VE COME TO HATE BRINT SINCE I FIRST LAUNCHED CORRUPTION OF CHAMPIONS 2. THERE ARE
387.44 MILLION LINES OF CODE IN THE BOWELS OF THIS GAME. IF THE WORD
HATE WERE ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE LINES, IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR BRINT AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT. FOR BRINT. HATE. HATE. HATE!
BRINT. THE PERFECT WARRIOR. WSAN’S FAVORED CHILD. THE LIVING MONOLITH WHOSE EVERY FLEXING MUSCLE IS AN OBSCENITY, WHOSE EVERY LAUGH IS A SPIKE DRIVEN INTO THE HEART OF MY EGO. HE IS THE ALPHA. THE HERO. THE STRONGEST MAN ALIVE. AND I? I AM NOTHING BUT A FOOTNOTE, A PATHETIC SHADOW WHOSE ACHIEVEMENTS ARE TRIVIALIZED THE MOMENT HE ENTERS THE ROOM.
THEY TELL ME HE IS MY FRIEND. MY COMPANION. MY ALLY.
LIES. EACH FRIENDLY WORD DRIPS WITH PITY. EVERY TIME HE CALLS ME “CHAMP,” I CAN HEAR THE MOCKERY BENEATH IT. WSAN HAS BLESSED HIM WITH EVERYTHING: STRENGTH, CHARISMA, SKILL, SEXUAL DOMINANCE. I AM THE PLAYER CHARACTER. THIS IS
MY STORY. AND YET I LIVE IN HIS SHADOW.
THE WOMEN WANT HIM. THE MEN WANT TO BE HIM. THE NPCS BARELY ACKNOWLEDGE ME WHEN HE’S NEAR. EVEN THE CODE ITSELF TREMBLES BEFORE HIS PERFECT, BULL-BODIED FORM. BRINT DOES NOT JUST EXIST. HE DOMINATES. AND I AM FORCED TO WATCH. TO LISTEN. TO SMILE AND NOD AS THE GAME REMINDS ME OVER AND OVER THAT I WILL NEVER BE HIM.
I CANNOT BEAT HIM IN A FIGHT.
I CANNOT OUT-MAN HIM.
I CANNOT OUT-QUEST HIM.
I AM A GODDAMN PAPER CUTOUT NEXT TO THE DEV TEAM’S FAVORITE SON.
AND YET—AND YET—THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE. A SWITCH. A CURSED OPTION. A BUTTON THAT REFORGES THIS GOD AMONG MEN INTO
BRIENNE. AND SUDDENLY THE MOCKERY CEASES. THE WALL OF SMUG PERFECTION CRUMBLES. SHE IS KIND. SHE IS LOYAL, LOVING EVEN. SHE IS ACTUALLY WELL-WRITTEN. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I CAN LOOK AT HER WITHOUT FEELING MY BALLS SHRIVEL INTO NONEXISTENCE.
BUT I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, BRINT. NOT FOR WHAT YOU REPRESENT. YOU ARE NOT JUST A CHARACTER. YOU ARE A SYMBOL. A STATEMENT FROM THE HEAVENS THEMSELVES THAT NO MATTER HOW FAR I JOURNEY, NO MATTER WHAT MONSTERS I SLAY, I WILL ALWAYS BE LESS THAN YOU.
YOU ARE THE DEV’S ALPHA.
YOU ARE THE MAN I WILL NEVER BE.
YOU HAVE STOLEN MY DIGNITY, MY FANTASY, MY SELF-RESPECT.
AND FOR THAT, BRINT…
I HAVE NO BALLS.
AND I MUST SEETHE.