The green grime I mentioned before still lets you walk onto walls
View attachment 4824664
View attachment 4824665
View attachment 4824667
Intro is still too heavy on combat while combat is at its most boring. But the infinite looting was fixed
The "enought" typo was missed, but the capitalization was fixed.
View attachment 4824678
When the old man walks off after the four month time skip, the text does not play until he is off the screen. That's a long walk. Harven should turn around and do his "......." while the old man is still walking away so it's not such a long delay.
Elira when you are talking to the smith. "And I start to believe that maybe we can do this really rebuild everything, piece by piece." Needs a comma between this and rebuild. "maybe we can do this, really rebuild everything, piece by piece."
There are other comma errors here and there, but... eh.
In the journal in the house "Devouring life before life devours us. lira doesn't know." Elira
The game still glosses over too much character development for my liking. You do a bunch of poorly designed combat encounters and then four months skip and everyone loves you, you're journaling about how you're a changed man, there's still that prideful demon inside you, and you have to keep your guard up to protect everyone. The journal also has an AI feel to it, which is strange what with all the missing commas and the lira error. This date scene with Kaelara also feels very AI. Again odd because it has errors I don't think AI would do.
", exposing her swollen clit. his touch, seeking more friction." His touch is the start of a new sentence, "his" should be capitalized. The comma after touch is entirely needless. It's also just weird flow. I wouldn't say seeking more friction here, it's an unpleasant wording and he doesn't even amp up the friction as it immediately leads to "slow, teasing circles around the bud" so no. There's a figurative sense of friction but that doesn't work here either. Seeking more friction is also repetitive, as the sentence after it
says it again. At least in the second instance it does make a lot more sense.
There's a lot of "He does X, detailing. He does Y, detailing. He does Z, detailing. Could help to using some more simple single-clause phrases in here, and other notes about the event besides the actions taken. Maybe another complex sentence but not the same structure as the usual.
It just becomes a bit of a drag to read sentences built the same way over and over. It changes up a bit after the animation starts, but then it still has that lingering AI touch of "absolutely everything must have additional qualifiers. Every time. Always add a dependent clause."
It looks like the scene repeated the same text of "Just then, a rustling sound comes from nearby." about the teen watching, but it may have just been a brief rendering hiccup. Does happen sometimes, I won't repeat the scene just to check.
The tone and pacing of the Kaelara relationship does just especially feel off to me.
The obscene sound of flesh slapping against flesh is repeated (chose to invite the teen to join)
I think it just repeated "spent cock slipping from her thoroughly used pussy" too.
A little hard since I didn't expect repetition like that and there's no button to pull up text logs. RPGmaker does have that feature possible, you should add it. Aside from helping with checking repeated lines, it also would let people check something they accidentally skipped, or something they didn't pay attention to.
Okay, it all
felt like AI, but this is 100% definitely AI now. We're in a grassy area by a fence next to the tower and Kaelara says "I could feel him shaking the whole bed"
View attachment 4824798
She's still there.
Elira giftgiving.
"You didn't just give me a gift you reminded me" comma between gift and you. Random heart appeared on screen away from us when I kissed her, in addition to the heart that appears above her. More AI smut text that AI is not good at.
"Slowly giving her every chance to stop him—he tugs at the fastenings" wow an em-dash. Not strictly wrong, but not well fit for this. A comma is better. An em-dash is better for asides, interruptions, or a tone of suddenness. This is none of that, it's not an aside or interruption, it's directly part of the first clause, and it's not sudden, it literally says "slowly." Also needs a comma after slowly. Notably, though, if these two commas were both em-dashes, it'd actually work fine. One em-dash is wrong, but two just makes it a run-of-the-mill parenthetical "—giving her every change to stop him—"
"Her hands rise to his chest, fingers curling into the fabric of his tunic not to push him away, but to anchor herself as she leans into him." This is actually a case where a single lone em-dash worked, between tunic and not. It gives a since of interjecting to clarify this isn't to push but to anchor and that works. Though, a comma also works. One of those is needed, so pick whichever you like.
Sex already? Okay, sure, greenie is a hoe, but virtually no buildup for Elira? I go find some necklace and we fuck on the spot. The mood's not right at all. I can accept the slutty goblin, but to both completely skip over getting to know Elira for months and then also jump straight into sex with a single good gesture... It just falls flat. The player doesn't even go down on her or anything, just strips her and then flashbanged by the fucking animation at full speed. Then she turns over and is slamming her hips down like a horny slut. This animation does not have the tone of a nervous virgin giving into his advances because of trust and love, it's just right into it.
Her love value was 5 before this.
It looked like it repeated the entire text box of "His thrusts become harder, more urgent." etc
"I'm cuming. I'm cuming so hard." I think that just said cuming instead of cumming.
I can ignore how in this very early version, the text clearly talks about the bed but the sprites didn't walk over to the bed first, that's detailing and polish that comes later. But the overall pacing and how soon you get to this is poor.
" [Player] groans, his hips jerking" odd extra space before the start of the text.
"Keep peeing on my cock as I come inside you." is really such a phrase. I'm fine with her peeing, I can dig it, but the writing is weird. Also if you're usually writing cum and cumming, you shouldn't put "come" in there. It makes an inconsistent writing style. Kind of like if you were flipflopping between spellings of armor/armour, realize/realise, etc.
"his seed spurting forth, mingling with the stream of piss" But I thought he was cumming inside?
"The room is filled with the musky scent of sex and the acrid odor of urine." Okay, pee is all well and good, but
the acrid odor? Come on, that's a description you give a filthy hobo shack not the post-sex bliss of your own room. Gosh, it doesn't smell of pee, it's an acrid odor. How terribly unpleasant. At least you didn't call it
stench.
Player: "I never knew peeing during sex could feel so good." Makes it sound like
he pissed.
Elira: "I know, right? It's like... it's like a whole new level of intimacy." My girl you were a virgin. "peeing is a whole new level" you just experienced penetration for the first time in your life, what a weird detail to talk about. Why is this conversation happening. The pissing herself during the climax of the scene doesn't need a "Well
that just happened" we can just ignore it and focus on the intimacy of having sex for the first time. It's a pretty big moment for a lot of people. Or, I don't know, maybe she could be more bashful about it. Did she just always have a piss kink she was waiting to reveal? We this was she was thinking about leading up to the sex?
"(giggling) And the look on your face when you felt my pee gushing all over your cock... priceless!" WHAT IS THIS TONE.
Priceless. Such an untraditional, quirky girl. So quirky! Only the most goofy and fun-loving young girl is going to give her virginity to someone so important to her and then be like "hehe you were so surprised when I peed on you! the look on your face! haha"
I expect this kind of pillowtalk either after sex has become a much more typical experience or with a character that doesn't put any emotional weight into their virginity at all. The kind that just gets giddy to try something new or is so abundantly nervous that she makes jokes during the entire experience to (poorly) diffuse her own tension. But the tone at the start, while too soon, was at least trying a more emotional atmosphere. This is just weird.
Moving onto the forest
"If your guild is so great, why don't you go clear out the real threats? The ones you can't just 'take care of' with a sword?" huh what. They're a merc guild, why would you expect them to take care of problems that aren't met with a sword?
"Exactly, You've been clearing small fries, while the real monsters are out there, waiting." Lowercase the You've. Also, this still sounds like something you can take care of with a sword.
The player really comes of uncharming. And this conversation feels like spinning wheels through mud. Does my character even have any idea what else this guild could be doing? He's vagueposting! "Why don't you clear real threats?" "We can and are." "Oh yeah, why don't you take on the real threats instead of hiding." "We're not hiding and we beat a lot of stuff." "You think that's impressive?" Is my character autistic? God he's such a loser. Why did my choices lead to me being so intensely unlikable? I'm a paragon. The choice was "Nah, I'm good, and so are they" declining the guild offer. The other choice is "Join your little guild?" And sure, yeah, "little guild" sounds condescending, I'm not surprised I say something prickish but that was a lot and it was so charmless.
I expect these west-Avalon people to be a crazy cult right from the start. Everyone standing up immediately welcoming us as we enter and talking so calmly. But the exposition is clumsy. Would be better to explain less and imply more.
Elira all "That guy's a pervert, I don't like this place, we should go" like come on, that's not the quirky whacky girl I know.
"[Player]nodded," missing space between the player's name and nodded.
There is too much text going into the inner thoughts of and how this place is weird. Would be better to minimize that. Most text should be interaction with NPCs and party members, not what the player-character is thinking. Let the person playing organically conclude "yeah this is weird" instead of telling them "yeah you think this is weird"
"[Player]'s turned away slightly" erroneous 's
Harry telling me his aunt touches him and my character replies "That's... wrong, No one should make you feel like that," Lowercase the No. I'm such a weird inconsiderate and dimwitted cunt sometimes that I'm surprised I'd react "That's... wrong". I'd expect something more neutral like "Yeah that's not normal, these people strange" and it'd feel plenty at-home to also say "Get over it. What are you, gay?" after that weirdly aggressive ashen guild incident.
I get so many choices that are be nice or be a prick, maybe add that as an option there.
"Stronger than me, and he doesn't take kin" cuts off through the bounds of the text box.
Tomas doesn't turn around to face me when talking.
"That's what keeps us strong" missing a period
Teenage boy Rico
"Aelthar waited until the boy stopped" who. Who the hell is Aelthar? The default name is "None"
"You're good, How long" lowercase the How.
"We need to figure out what this family thing is before we become a part of it" or we could just walk away. I think better would be if Elira wants to just leave and not linger at all, uncomfortable, but the player character wants to learn more, which she disagrees with and his reasoning can be some vaguery that does not put Elira at ease, as he isn't telling real truth which is that he wants to investigate what his sister, Sophinia, is doing with these people. Harry being not so uncomfortable and seemingly just fine with being molested while clearly not actually understanding it would add to the vibes. A place that you know is really off, but no one there minds, and Elira just wants to get away from them because as fucked as that might be, they're surviving and they're happy and the world is too much a wreck to meddle in peoples' beliefs. I like the very minor conflict that would add. Showing that th eplayer is still holding back secrets about who he is and his companions follow him but don't totally agree since the he doesn't give great reasons.
Kaelara "Don't tell me to calm down That old man with the girl?" Period after down. Kaelara doesn't need a change. A good counter-balance to a potentially reticent Elira. Bash some heads, queen.
"He just stared at the food, t
hen at the people..." Newlined in the wrong place. Also way too many "..." in this entire script. Everyone snoozes in the middle of talking, like come on, wake up, Sara. "Our bond... our family." Really hammers home a kind of super low-energy droning behavior I guess. More like zombies than fanatics.
"[Player] exchanged alook with Elira and Kaelara" a look
"Mom, What abour me?" lowercase the What
"let's wait a little longer until your sister is a bit older" Sara that girl is more than old enough for this cult's vibes. I sense weak leadership. I sense cowardice.
"The meat teastes... weird, but it's delicious" oh on top of all the incest it's also cannibalism? Is that what we're doing?
"Alright, Let's do it." Lowercase let's
Finding Lion and his little sister I guess. "Guess it's fine, then We've been" missing period after then. Oh he wants Elira. Sure, I'll borrow his sister and swing a bit.
"I'm... interested in her. Just this one time. It doesn't have to mean anything." Weird, I feel like it'd be more persuasive to tell Elira to play along because they need to stay trusted a bit longer. Also repetition of the text boxes. Elira should be against it but be convinced with as much as "you can just use your hands, maybe your mouth, he shouldn't last long, and I'm here, don't worry." While she stays very uncomfortable but compliant.
" Lion sensing the unease in the air, seemed to feed off it" missing a comma after Lion and there seems to be an extra space before Lion. Also it's pretty rote structure I'd think "Lion seemed to feed off the unease in the air," would be better.
Mistook Lion and Rico, though this was going to be the sister too young for marriage. Oh well.
"hungry gaze" everything is so hungry in this game. Hungry walls, hungry grip, hungry gaze, hungry kiss.
"Your dick feels so good, mister" missing period. Unless you meant to say "mister Big Bro" which would be silly
"She leaned in closer,
her breath hot against his ear as she whispered" Why the new line there? Looks odd how much empty space the first line has. Also add a comma after whispered since it is a dialog tag.
Even though in this save, Elira is a virgin, I do just look over and see her getting fucked with 0 fanfare. Even if I
did fuck her, I'd think she'd try harder to get him off as impersonally as she can, avoiding intercourse if possible. She was clearly not interested. And even if I was a corrupt bastard pushing her to go all the way, she should be putting it off throughout the ordeal, hoping Lion wouldn't want to go that far.
"Lion, a cruel smile playing on his lips, He positioned her" The capitalization is wrong, but the sentence is poorly structured in general. Should be more like "A cruel smile curled along his lips as Lion positioned her"
I think Elira suddenly went from naked to having her dress on.
Another angle change, this time with a white dot on the screen signalling the start of the loop.
"his fingers dug into her" capitailze His.
"As Elira rode lion with abandon," capitalize Lion
"Tight, So fucking tight." Either change the comma to a period or lowercase so.
"he grunted, his fingers digging" Capitalize He.
"Good thing I used this purification charm to erase his cum from inside me" like what a weird contrivance. Also the text says "I erased his cum from inside me, No trace. No risk." Change the comma to a period.
Elira of course does not acknowledge that she lost her virginity.
"Come on, Let's finish" lowercase let's
Declining the sex. "booooooring, ut hey, at least" but hey
"Well, You two should go" lowercase you.
"And it wasn't just animal meat. Bones, too small to belong to any beast," Mice? Squirrels? Frogs? What am I even supposed to make of that statement? I can't even imagine what those bones look like to be too small to be an animal. I feel like the game is alluding to human children or babies, but human bones are bigger than a lot of other animals'. Rabbit bones would be smaller than a child's. Lots of people hunt rabbits. There's also bird bones.
The doll soaked in blood and semen amuses me.
"Inside the barrel... was meat." I really don't need narration throwing "..." at me like this. With how much the script overuses it in general, I have to ask what the purpose is here. Dramatic tension? We're in a room caked so densely in blood that it blocks pathing on the floor in some places. Meat and stench is everywhere. Neither character here is shocked that there's meat in this bucket. It's almost as if an AI wrote it.
Also what they ate earlier can't be human meat because it tasted weird and bad. Humans have a very tasty red meat that is like beef in the leaner muscle and pork in the fattier bits. Though I suppose given the context, the meat would have to be very heavily stewed to be easy to chew and the might be shit cooks that end up with dry-tasting flavorless meat you need lots of spices to compensate for. It'd make some sense.
"Kaelara's eyes widened in shock. Aelthar said nothing." WHo fUck is Aelthar. (I know)
I can forgive or end them all. Obviously I'm a cunt, I'm forgiving them so I can make use of this. Though I won't trust them, since it could be a ruse by Sophiana just to fuck with me, but I'm arrogant enough to think I can spot anything dangerous and put an end to it. And if it's not a ruse... All the better for me.
"You've fallen into darkness, but that doesn't mean you have to stay there. No more eating humans. No more inbreeding, twisted prayers, or worship through pain." You FOOL what are you doing. They're already indoctrinated into it by Sophiana, this is too stark of a change and if it goes against the goddess they worshiped so far, it calls into question that goddess. And if that goddess was false, why would they trust the player, who they only think of as a god because of Sophiana? Only to trick him. The only way to work with these fanatics is to moderate their insanity, not forbid it. No human meat, and no arranged marriage, under the guise that a god in flesh should be enough to draw in followers and they don't need force. When really the purpose of the moderation is because you disagree with them doing it.
Elira and Kaelara should both strongly oppose letting them persist like this.
Another time skip already?
Harry: "You save gave us a life again."
"He looked up at Aelthar with a pleading expression." The default name isn't even Aelthar, it was "None".
"New Party Member Joined: Haary Hamilton"
You say there's a timeskip, but the person playing the game only just got out of a basement filled with blood and gore and a cum-soaked children's toy. It's too abrupt that Sara is so wistful and sentimental. "it's hard to believe what I used to be. What we used to be. Monsters that hunted humans....." and so on. Pacing is so whack.
I also expected the Mr. None to play along with the god thing but brush it aside to his companions as just the cult's delusions they can exploit to turn things around. He just didn't strike me as that open about things.
Woah. Irene just ceased to be entirely. Talked to her and then she's gone. Other people didn't vanish after talking, so I didn't expect that.
"a new shortbow might be good for him, Light, easy to handle...." Probably meant the comma after him to be a period.
So amusing how the player-character is shocked and appalled at the incest and now here I am like "Do you think about rubbing my cock, Harry? You like it? Fuck you're really asking for it with that cute ass."
I have no idea how old this softboy is. The younger, the funnier this is. "Bet you'd like getting used as a cocksleeve" like damn man, you're aggressive. Why does Mr. Aelthar None act so forward so suddenly with the grooming victim.
"the dirty, implications heavy words" remove implications. For one, it grammatically doesn't fit, but also I just told this "kid"(as people call him) that he'd enjoy being a cocksleeve and he's asking for it with that ass of his. This is not
implicit, this is overtly
explicit and direct.
It's all again like the first two companions. The relationship is really badly paced and the characterization just isn't good.
"young man's ass" I guess "kid" is not literal, or you told chatGPT he's a young and effeminate man so that it wouldn't complain at you about it and then forgot to edit the man back to boy after copying it.
Also calling his ass globes? Damn boy, why you so caked up. I expected a soft but modestly small ass. Which would be a good difference from the girls. A nice butt, but not a big butt. Most the women I'm sure will be stacked, I want variety.
"His fingers dug in harder, Short nails biting" lowercase short. Why do you have this recurring habit of capitalizing after a comma?
"You're just asking for a real man to come along and claim you, to show you wha ta boy like you is made for." God I love how fucked up that is. His aunt touching him inappropriately and the cult forcing him to marry her, the boy is a victim of grooming and molestation and you're out here saying he's not a real man and sex is what a boy like him is made for. It's so fucked up to say that. It's hilarious.
"No ones ever touched me like this before..." untrue, slut, your whore aunt did since she knew you were made for this
"He licked into every corner, tasting the lingering sweetness of the treat Harry had eaten earlier, now mingling with the sharp, masculine flavormouth." What a weird sentence. Flavormouth isn't a thing though.
"I could feel you getting hard, little one..." You call him a younger man, but I don't think man is right, I think it's gotta be boy.
"I've never been kissed like that before." What did Irene even do?
"his half-hard cock twitching in his
You must be registered to see the links
." pants
Damn he do have a fat dumpy and childbearing hips. Which is a real shame. This pear-shaped body just ain't right on a boy. He must be inbred already. Maybe Irene was his aunt and mother. That'd explain a lot of things.
This post is very long and I'm tired now. I'll stop playing, maybe wait for the next update.
As a whole, I think there's too much text. Which might seem crazy, since the text is what I care about the most, but so much is AI-style slop with repetition, excessive extra detailing, and padding, without actually adding characterization or plot where it is needed. You could cut the wordcount in half and lose nothing. And that's bizarre because so much stuff is
missing. There's little development in the characters going on, the plot with the cult was really short to the point that a timeskip feels unearned. It grants this sense of blazing through the timeline of things without much happening. This cult is right on the avalon camp doorstep. We didn't travel way out into the woods for this. We had a 4 month timeskip, walked outside, and immediately got another 1 month timeskip. Abrupt.
And the cult is fine now? They just abandoned Sophiana? We gloss over, like, everything that could be interesting. I feel like we skipped a story arc here. And it was about Sophiana, this could have been really plot-relevant. But nothing important happened. We find crazy cultists, redeem them, take their boytoy for ourselves, and that's it. And all so frictionless.
What does Sophiana even want?
It could have been a more dramatic thing. Like as Sophiana has been watching the past several months of Mr. Aelthar None building a following and getting the town fixed up, she does the same thing with these cultists. And rather than the town being all idyllic and hunkydory, the cult has established themselves well enough to start hunting for humans from the town. Some forager in town goes missing. Maybe someone goes out looking for them. They go missing. What the fuck happened? The player and his companions go out searching and they eventually find the cult not quite so on-the-doorstep, but further into the woods. They don't yet know the cult took the villagers, but something is clearly way off because they're fixated on this concept of family. Elira doesn't like it, and Kaelara wants to bash them, but one of the cultists mention Sophiana. Your companions don't know the importance of that name, but you do. So under some guise that "They could have something to do with the disappearance of [forager] and [other person], we need to just play along and investigate," he convinces the girls to bare with it. Broad strokes, same thing happens, but now it's more of a natural evolution of the story and also puts a weight behind Sophiana. Because now it's basically Aelthar's fault. Sophiana manipulated these people as a ploy, a fun run-around to just prove how much better she is at controlling people than Aelthar is, and those villagers are dead because Aelthar is secretly the brother of the goddess. That's some dramatic touch and you don't need to exposit much about it at all. This can be a lot of subtext, not explicitly explained.
And that also gives more justification for sparing the cultists. Something Elira and Kaelara should still be very off-put by and disagree with, but Aelthar as a paragon knows it's his fault this happened and they were manipulated by his sister, it's his responsibility to steer them right, while a bastard Aelthar knows they're still useful, and his sister is arrogant enough to abandon them and leave them to him, then he'll exploit that.
And it can be a ruse too. But no timeskip. The player actually taking some time to connect with these people and when Sophiana wants to turn around and backstab him, there are cultists that put a stop to the ruse. The Cult arc finally climaxing with Aelthar firmly established as able ot take charge beat back Sophiana's influence. Sara should still listen to Sophiana and be the keystone to the backstab, and have to be inprisoned or killed as a result. You didn't take everyone's hearts, just enough that Sara couldn't get away with turning the tables.
And then there
could be a dramatically tense scene where the player is admitting to the girls that Sara's claims were true. Sophiana did speak to her and in fact he is—or was—a god. The truth of the matter sinks in with the girls. They understand that that means his presence in their town may be explicitly the reason the cult killed those two people. He made himself off to be Avalon's savior while secretly drawing the eye of something much worse. But he isn't damning them. The girls won't blame him because without him the townsfolk would be huddled in a cellar waiting to starve. They know if Aelthar rolled over and just perished, the world would be just as bad or worse, and Sophiana could turn out to revel in cruelty completely unchecked. The girls stand with him.
Chapter end, all tightly wrapped up.
And the relationship pacing of Elira needs a much heavier rewrite, but so much of how to do it depends on what you as the writer (if you are one) wants out of her character. All the smut needs work.
Mechanically, the game is so very very far from good gameplay, but I'm less concerned about that, myself. I think plotting out the story and events is more important and then adjust the stats, number of enemies, equipment, and so on later.
